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11/27/2005: "Who Shit a Christmas Tree?"
Sweet bronco-busting Buddha spreading Karma on the tits of the Gilmore
Girls! I take a little break from blogging and when I return I'm 40
lbs lighter but the world, with the possible exception of Dover, PA, has
gotten a whole lot dumber. It's like running out to the corner store to
pick up some cigarettes for the kids and coming home to find out that
Penn & Teller's Bullshit has been replaced with Carrot Top
Misplaces His Keys While Molesting a Blind Child With a Fork. Shit
Luther, in just a matter of a few months, Kansas replaced science with
divination, the former chairmaniac of PBS, Kenneth A. Konz (whose middle
initial should, by all rights, be K.) was thwarted in his attempt to rid
the airwaves of the pinko agitprop like Accordion Dreams and
Router Workshop when he was caught replacing Sesame Street
with Captain Rick Santorum's Patriotic Puppet Parade, and now we
all find out that Bush planned to bomb Al-Jazeera . To be fair, the White
House is claiming that Bush was only joking and apparently forgot that the
US has, in the past, accidentally bombed Al-Jazeera offices in Iraq and
Afghanistan. Translation: Bush is back on the sauce.
But if you're looking for proof that stupidity is spreading faster than
avian flu in a Chinese KFC (Kung Po Fried Chicken), you couldn't find a
better example than the latest obsession that's taken hold of American's
Logically-Challenged community: The War On Christmas.
Now, when I hear the word "Christmas" I immediately think of two things:
the first is the scene in John Water's feel-good family-friendly underwater
spectacular Female Trouble wherein Devine, as Dawn Davenport, who's
been traumatized by not receiving a pair of cha-cha heels for Christmas
begins stamping on all of the presents under the tree while screaming "I
hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas!" The second
thought which jumps into my head is an old joke: Two guys get on an
elevator. Neither of them is Gay so, at first, there's no punch line. A
few years later the first guy, who has recently been promoted to executive
vice-president of the Glade® Corporation, gets on the same elevator with
an old cleaning woman who, as soon as the elevator doors shut, farts. The
two ride together for a few more floors before the old woman gets off
(Oh Hell, let's make this a full-on Liberal screed and assume that the
old broad is force to continue working due to recent cuts in Medicaid).
Now the guy, who's been holding his breath for most of the ride, suddenly
realizes that he's got twenty-three more floors to ride up (remember, this
guy is an executive vice-president and shit only flows downhill, so his
office is near the top of the building) in an elevator which smells like
The Golden Girl's outhouse on stewed prunes night. Then the guy says to
himself, "Hey, now would be the perfect opportunity to check out Glade®'s
new pine-scented air freshener." So he reaches into his briefcase, produces
a can of pine-scented air freshener and proceeds to saturate the atmosphere
of the elevator with the wholesome scent of the forest. As soon as he
returns the can to his briefcase the elevator comes to a stop at the
fifteenth floor and the same guy who got on the elevator with him a few
years back gets on. Now, in the intervening years between when they first
shared the elevator and their reunion, the second guy has been going
through a pretty bad time. There was an "incident" involving some Little
Leaguers, a can of Turtle Wax, and a broom closet. Long-story-short: the
charges were dropped, but guy number two's (which is ironic because the
newspapers nicknamed him "the 'Number Two' Guy") wife still left him and
he started hitting the bottle pretty hard. In fact, he's completely drunk
as he stumbles into the elevator muttering some nonsense about bombing
Al-Jazeera. Guy number one, executive vice-president, tries to ignore him,
but guy number two keeps sniffing the air and grunting. Finally, guy
number two tugs on guy number one's shirtsleeve and slurs "Hey! Hey buddy,
who shit a Christmas tree?
If that's what goes through what's left of my brain when I hear the word
"Christmas", what d you think the average Fundie thinks of when they hear
the word "Christmas" being hollered across the trailer park? Do they think
of missal toe and jolly fat men going "Ho, ho ho"? Do their John Deere cap
adorned heads fill with visions of stockings hung by the chimney with care?
No, the first thought that slowly works its way across the average
Babbitt's thick skull upon hearing the word "Christmas" is "Gawdamn
Lib-ee-rals and the gawdamn ACLJEW wanna outlaw Christmas!" That's
right, the Fundies have their scratchy undergarments all in a knot over
what they have been told to believe is Secular America's (people who don't
own any Darryl Worley 8-tracks) "War On Christmas".
Before we go any further, yes, yes I know that this is just another "wedge
issue" cooked up by the less-then-one-percent of Americans who own
ninety-five percent of the country's wealth in order to trick the slower
members of the population into supporting economic policies that benefit
only the wealth. In other words, Travis is told that if Adam and Steve are
allowed to tie-the-knot then Travis' "traditional" marriage to Raylene
will become meaningless. Now, Travis and Raylene have certainly had their
share of difficulties (what with Raylene's ecstatic visions, Travis'
inability to drive sober, and the twins being diagnosed with eleven
separate learning disabilities), but Travis just can stand the idea that
he may've filled out all that extra paper work which allowed him to marry
his cousin for nothing. So Travis goes out and votes for the first
politician who promises to stem the tide of Homo matrimony. And what does
Travis get for his efforts? Does he get a Constitutional Amendment
banning Butt Pirate nuptial? Of course not. What he does get are the
other policies endorsed by the candidate Travis voted for. You
know; the economic policies: like the end of Overtime Pay, the
looting of Pension Funds, and the elimination of the Estate Tax. Before
Travis knows it, he's putting in extra hours cleaning the toilets at the
chemical plant so that Paris Hilton can have a new Jaguar. Dumb fucker.
That goes for Paris Hilton too. Oh course, since the Democrats, during the
Clinton years, adopted the same economic policies as the Republicans,
anyone who voted for John Kerry thinking that he'd put an end to poverty
is also a dumb fucker: but a dumb fucker whose heart is in the right place.
So I should know better than to take the bait on this one. After all, it's
just a bunch of pathetic wingnuts flapping their jaws about an issue which
exists solely in their damaged minds. It would be like getting all worked
up because Concerned Crones for America have called a press conference and
demanded Martial Law be declared because some six-year-old said "poop" in
Sunday school. I'd just be overreacting to someone else's overreaction.
But, then again, isn't it our duty to stomp out ignorance and stupidity
wherever and whenever they rear their ugly heads in the same way that we
all banned together to stop the "The Two Coreys" from continuing to make
movies. Maybe if someone, back in Germany during the early '30's would've
said "No. As a matter of fact, the Jews do not, as you erroneously insist,
control the banks. Neither do they want to impregnate your hideous
daughter nor use her blood in some strange Hebrew ceremony. Now kindly
shut the fuck up" there'd be a few more faces around the Seder table. And
is there rally anything more ignorant or stupid than this whole War On
Christmas bullshit?
I understand that some of you have been so busy keeping up with the
real war that you may be a little sketchy on the details of The War
On Christmas, so I'll do my best to fill you in. Nobody's sure just who
fired the first shot in the War on Christmas but one thing is certain,
they weren't on our side. Apparently the Fundies started getting
all weepy when they noticed (after something like forty years) that many
stores employees and service workers were wishing them "Happy Holidays"
instead of a "Merry Christmas." That's right; these backwoods proto-
hominids would go on three-day crying jags just because the cashier at
Winn Dixie lacked the psychic ability to know which customers celebrated
Christmas as opposed to those "other" Holidays [Here's a simple guide:
If a customer is eating a Christian baby, whish them a happy Chanukah.
If they're eyeballing a White woman and acting all uppity, it's "Have a
wonderful Kwanzaa."]. You see, the Fundies were basically all in a lather
(which, considering their bathing habits, may have been the first time)
of the phrase "Happy Holidays" which they considered to be a sign of the
creeping multiculturalism which is either destroying America or making it
a far more interesting place to live, depending on whether you're wearing
an adult diaper and screaming at a lamppost or not. Of course, no bizarre
movement can officially be considered crazy until Ann Coulter supports it:
"Saying 'Merry Christmas' is like saying 'Fuck you!' I've said it to
everyone. You know, cab drivers, passing people on the street, whatever"
- Ann Coulter
Memo to Ms. Coulter (who, in her latest column claimed that Saddam Hussein
worked with Osama bin Laden and attempted to obtain yellow cake uranium
from Niger because she says he did and that should be good enough
for the rest of us.): No matter what you say,be it "happy birthday",
"cross on the green: never between" or "why are you staring at my penis",
it still comes out sounding like "Fuck you."
While it's fun to imagine what It's A Wonderful Life would've been
like had the producers opted to go with "Fuck you" over "Merry Christmas",
the above just goes to show the depth of the hatred that Fundies feel
toward the words "Happy Holidays". Why, one Fundie found themselves in
such a tizzy that they were forced to do the unthinkable and write an
angry e-mail to Wal-Mart complaining about the substitution of "Happy
Holidays" for "Merry Christmas". Here's the replay they received:
Walmart is a world wide organization and must remain conscious of this.
The majority of the world still has different practices other than
"christmas" which is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberian
shamanism. The colors associated with "christmas" red and white are
actually a representation of the aminita mascera mushroom. Santa is also
borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the
Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal.
It is a wide wide world.
- Kirby
If any of you should ever need a happy thought to keep you warm at night,
just reflect on the moment when the hillbilly who fired off the email to
Wal-Mart read Kirby's grammatically incorrect (among other things, he
misspelled "Wal-Mart") yet historically accurate rely. "Who the Hell is
'the Visigoth'?" Ahhhhhhh…sweet, irony. Sadly, for our side, Kirby's reply
was forwarded on to the ominously named Catholic League (of Extraordinary
Gentiles) who threatened a boycott of Wal-Mart, forcing the conglomerate
to cough up the following apology:
We at Wal-Mart believe this e-mail between a temporary associate and
one of our valued customers was entirely inappropriate. Its contents in
no way represent the policies, practices or views of our company. This
associate, who was hired less than three weeks ago, is no longer employed
by our company. [You fired Kirby? Goddamn you! Goddamn you all to Hell!]
We sincerely apologize to any person or organization that was offended by
the inappropriate and inflammatory [yet historically accurate] comments
made by this former associate.
Wal-Mart is proud to welcome customers of all faith, and celebrants of
all holidays [Be you White, Black, Red, Brown, or Yellow; you're money is
all green].
With more than 138 million customers coming through our stores every week
and a variety of holidays that they celebrate throughout this season,
"Happy Holidays" is a pleasant greeting that applies to everyone and every
celebration. It's simply our way of wishing our customers a good time with
their family and friends during this time of year.
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
[666 Satanic Ritual Lane
Salem Mass.]
Despite its less-than-satisfactory outcome, the Kirby Incident (as future
historians will, no doubt, refer to it) splendidly point out the ignorance
and stupidly of the War on Christmas camp. Let's deal with the ignorance
first:
Babbitts are completely ignorant as to the history of Xmas. Since former
Wal-Mart "associate" Kirby already alluded to the Pagan origins of
Christmas, there's really no need for me to elaborate, but I will anyway.
From December 17th through the 23rd the ancient Romans celebrated
Saturnalia: a week-long homage to Saturn, the god of joviality and the
sowing of crops. The Saturnalia featured the exchanging of gifts
(especially small dolls for the children), feasting, and the lighting of
candles: all of which (along with Saturn himself, who would re-emerge
as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick) were co-opted by the Christian church: so much
for "Thou shall not steal."
One curious Saturnalia tradition that sadly didn't survive was the choosing
of Saturnalicius Princeps (Master of the Saturnalia). This was usually a
slave who was picked by the Master of each Roman household. The slave in a
"turn-about-is-fair-play" spirit would then trade places with the master,
giving orders, running the household, etc. Wouldn't it be fun to watch Cheney
take orders from Bush instead of the other way around? Then again, maybe not.
The poet Gaius Valerius Catullus (yes, the smooth Pimp-Named-Slickback who
wrote "Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus…") referred to the Saturnalia "the
best of days" (which might help to explain why the best day of the week
was named after Saturn). Are you going to argue with a mala mater like
Catullus? I didn't think so.
One other point of historical interest is that Christmas was not celebrated
in the New England colonies for roughly 200 years. Christ-on-a-croissant,
from 1659 until 1681 it was actually illegal to celebrate Christmas
in Massachusetts. In fact, it wasn't until the middle of the 1800's that
Christmas became an official public holiday in New England. The next time
some dumb fucker goes off about the Pilgrims and their Christian beliefs,
be sure to remind 'em that those beliefs didn't include celebrating
Christmas. Why didn't they? They considered the holiday to be too
"Popish". So, any of you wishing to re-create an "old-fashion New England
Christmas" this year need only burn Ratzinger in effigy and hang a "No
Irish Need Apply" sign in the window.
The stupidity of the War On Christmas is, of course, that's it's a war that
the Fundamentalist Babbitt community can never win. Their ultimate
objective is to see stores replace "Happy Holidays" with "Merry Christmas".
What retailer is going to be dumb enough to alienate twenty percent of
their customers? Face it; the only people who are offended by the words
"Happy Holidays" are crazy people: and crazy people traditionally don't
have a lot of disposable income (and what cash they do have tends to get
spent on mail-order devices to protect them from Venusian Mind-Rays). Hell,
even the hillbillies who are offended by "Happy Holidays" would never
think of shopping somewhere other than Wal-Mart, so a successful boycott
is out of the question. Besides, Jesus demands that you shop for his
birthday. If you haven't purchased at least one Xbox 360 this holiday Christmas season, then you're just not doing your
duty as a Christian.
Still, I say if these dumb fuckers want a War On Christmas, that's just
what we'll give 'em: a good, ol' fashion war on two fronts! On the eastern
front we're going to hit them where they least expect it: we're bringing
back Saturnalia:
Full instructions on how to conduct a Saturnalia celebration can be found here.
The Western front of our War On Christmas will involve a massive
Secular assault. Each year, for the last seven years, the Freedom From
Religion Foundation has placed a sign
outside the Wisconsin State Capitol
building which reads:
"At this season of the Winter Solstice may reason prevail.
There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.
There is only our natural world.
Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves
minds."
Wouldn't hose words look great on stickers placed at eye-level throughout
our major cities? You know what to do; now, fly my monkeys, fly!
