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09/14/2005: "GOD: Blair on 45"
It’s September. To me that means the kickoff of the Philly Fringe
Festival. To my parents it’s the month in which they celebrate (celebrant)
their anniversary. Dave Blood’s birthday falls smack in the middle of the
September. But for dozens drooling, hookworm-infested, Tabasco
sauce-wielding Momiacs, September means it’s time for them to move their
lips as they attempt the Herculean task of reading their way through
Blair’s August (but hardly august) E-Letter.
Sound that trumpet, Angel of the Pit, and let the madness commence:
August 2005 E-Letter
Dear Subscriber,
The day is finally here! [It’s the Second Coming! Wait, if it’s the
Rapture, then why haven’t I been sucked up, like a human Slurpee, to
Heaven. Take a look at this mole; does it look like the Mark of the Beast
to you?] The updated, refreshed website is ready to announce. [Oh,
that day. Bummer]
We’ve been working on this for over a year and I’m thrilled with the results.
Much of the content is the same, only with a fresh new look. (Thank you,
Brandy
Byrd!)
“Thank you, Brandy Byrd!” That pretty much sums up why I bother
reading Blair’s Coozeletters. Where else are you going to find a sentence
like “Thank you, Brandy Byrd!”? Sure, Norman Mailer is a pretty good
writer, but you could read The Naked and the Dead from cover-to-cover and
you won’t find a single reference to Brandy Byrd
Hopefully, the navigation is also much easier and more intuitive
[Blair, why not just have your readers pray to Jesus for guidance
around your web site. That’s what both of mine do.]. I think you will
especially appreciate that all of the archived journal entries are now
titled so you can go back and find past entries more easily [Thank fuck
for that. I couldn’t count the number of times I spent half the night
trying to track down entries like “Shame: PlayStation II for Christians”
and “This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You: Branding as a Form of
Discipline”]. There are also drop-down menus on the top of every
page, links on the bottom, and a little “Home” icon in the corner so you
should be able to bounce around the site without getting lost. [Helpful
Hint: Should all else fail, just scream “In the name of Jesus Christ, I
command you to return to index.html.”]
On the right-hand side of the home page we’ve added direct links to some
of the more frequented sections visited on the site. So, for those of you
who join me each Monday for “Coffee Talk” you can log on and hop directly
to the “This Week’s Journal Entry.” The same is true for “My Calendar”
and “Visit the Store” sections. You’ll find similar links on the
right-hand side of every section to facilitate easier navigation.
I truly hope that I’m not alone in my deeply held belief that if your
readers are too goddamn stupid to navigate their way around a web site,
then your “Links” section should include the URL’s for companies that
specialize in protective headgear, bibs, and adult diapers.
There are also lots of new additions to the site. For starters, I’ve
sprinkled brand-new pictures throughout and all over the pages. I’ve also
added new photos to the various “Photo Galleries.” One of the new
features of the journal entries is the ability to place the pictures right
beside the corresponding text rather than have to open up a separate
window. You can still click on the images to enlarge them but it is fun
having pictures and text on the same page.
Well, that paragraph certainly laid to rest all of those rumors about
the Religious Right being a bunch of backward dipshits who don’t
understand technology. Shit Luther, now that the Fundies have the power to
enlarge pictures maybe we Liberals should throw in the towel.
You’ll discover a few new things in the “Ministry” section [Like mp3’s
of “When Everyday Was Halloween” and “Jesus Built My Hotrod”?]. In
addition to a cool new calendar displaying my upcoming speaking
engagements, you will also find a “Parent’s Page” with a collection of
typical, topical parenting questions and attempted answers. I will
continue to add to this section as [soon as I get a new crayon] I
write more columns for “Today’s Christian Woman” magazine.
”Attempted” answers? WTPFTBV*??? Has Blair started typing “in tongues”?
Q: My five-year-old often talks back to me. What form of discipline do
you, as a former child actress without a college education, recommend? A:
Well, I feel…Yyyaaaeehhh g-g-g-g mooooo foinsnap!
For all you Cyber Prayer Warriors I’ve added a call for your help. If you
are one of those people who have a special ministry of prayer and feel
like the Lord has put me and MomTime Ministries on your heart for
intercessory prayer [Sound-it-out, Prayer Warriors], please fill
out the appropriate form in the “Ministry” area. I’ll be eternally grateful.
Gentle reader, it would be very, very wrong of you to fill out that
form. The last thing that Blair and the other crustaceans at MomTime
Ministries need is a bunch of wise-asses swamping them with prayer
requests for “James Bond-style” wooden legs, new Ninja friends, and risqué
lithographs.
There are even new additions in the “Shopping” section. You will notice
that the “Creative Correction – The Bible Study” member book and leader’s
kit is now available. And “Speaking Mom-ese” is on its way to my house
even as I type [With my index fingers and prehensile tail]. (I’ll
send out separate E-letters next month about these two new products.) But
if you simply can’t wait to read them, or you really want one of my new
autographed photos, or maybe you just want to buy something to see how the
new check-out system works, then surf on over to the updated “Shopping”
section.
Note to self: Get your hands on an assload of Blair’s autographed
photos, just in case the Milkmen reunite. You can toss ‘em out at the end
of Serrated Edge
One of my favorite new additions to the website is the “My Scrapbooks”
section. I’ve begun by uploading a handful [hoofful]of my personal
scrapbook pages. I have already scanned hundreds more pages and I plan to
upload them very often. We are actually still working on this part of the
website so you will notice even easier navigation in the next few weeks as
we bunch the scrapbook pages into virtual “Albums” by year and title.
Having viewed this section, I can only say that Blair has managed to put
the "crap" back in scrap.
To be honest with you, we didn’t get everything updated, fixed and added
that we wanted to, so you will notice more changes in the future. (For
instance, I just realized last night that I don’t have the mp3’s from my
album “All Because Of You” on the site anywhere.) We will also be adding
all of the information for the new “MomTime Getaways” very soon!
Holy shit! Holy shit! Hooooooooooly shit! Mp3’s of Blair stretching her
vocal chords! My entire life has just been a lead-up to this point! And
what sort of mind-blowing musical kookdom can we expect from the pen of
Blair? Here’s a little “free taste” form Blair’s magnum opus “All Because
Of You”: The lyrics to the song “Good Girl”
She's in her freshman year
But she still wears a little girl's dress
She's turning sweet sixteen
But her daddy still calls her Little Princess
"Dear daughter don't run with the crowd
You know that makeup's not allowed"
The girls all ask her "why so straight?"
The boys aren't asking for a date.
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
She is a see-saw seeing if it matters
She is a game of Chutes and Ladders
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
She's on the outside begging for admission
She needs a love without condition
She's got her ear to the phone
And her toe in a "Seventeen" mag
She's got her nails on hold
And her nylons in a cellophane Gladbag
Her parents look the other way
She doesn't hear a word they say
She's stepping out she's almost there
I think she's running out of air
She had the pedal to the floor
She was late to the Hollywood Bowl
"It was my daddy's car"
She explains to the Highway Patrol
And now her fast-lane buddies hitch a ride
While she's waiting for the cop
She could have seen right through them
If she'd taken those wrap-a-round shades off
Back to square one-you're all alone
Your folks are ready to disown
The good-time girls their not around
You're going dizzy with the sound
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
She is a see-saw seeing if it matters
She is a game of Chutes and Ladders
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
Be a good girl (why be a good girl)
She needs the one who wrote the definition
Of a love without condition
Be a good girl.
I just couldn’t wait any longer to share the new site with you. I sure
hope you like it. If you do, be sure and send an email to Mike, the
webmaster. (He has added a new link at the bottom of every page in case
you have technical issues that need to be addressed – or simply praise you
want to pass along for all of his team’s hard work.)
Dear Mike the webmaster; as you can see from the attached copy of the
lyrics to “Good Girl”, Blair has clearly gone insane and is a danger to
herself and those around her. Run, run from the house, Mike the webmaster,
and don’t look back.
To check out the new site click here” or simply www.lisawhelchel.com
Blessings and enjoy,
Lisa
*What the Please Fuck Tootie’s Black Vagina
