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06/05/2005: "What Would Pantera Do?"
Last week two very different, but equally dubious, rumors floated across
my desk. The fist was from a friend of mine who had heard, through which
grapevine I have no idea, that, should Michael Jackson be convicted of
child molestation, he'll either spend very little time (or no time at all)
in jail: and not for the reason you might think.
My friend had heard that, if convicted, The King of Popping young boys'
butt cherries, is prepared to make a deal with State: that deal being a
reduced sentence in exchange for some information about a very, very famous
Director who also enjoys buggering the Teletubby set. You will believe an
allegation can fly.
The problem with this rumor (other than it cruelly drags a man's name
through the mud) is it implies that there's a chance of Michael Jackson
going to jail: and I don't think any of us believe that. If there's one
lesson to be learned from the trials of Robert Blake and OJ, it's that
White celebrities never do any time.
The second rumor which dropped into my lap like a drunken Jeff Gannon was
that George Bush is planning, on his last day in office, to pardon Charles
Grainer and the rest of that wacky, lovable Abu Ghraib Gang.
At first glance, this rumor seems just as implausible as the Jackson one.
After all, it's highly unlikely that Bush, who couldn't be bothered to
plan for a post-war Iraq, is actually capable of thinking three years
down-the-road.
Then again, let's imagine (despite what the media has told us) that the
Abu Ghraib Kids weren't just a "few bad apples" who stank up our militaries
otherwise pristine barrel. After all, how would a bunch of semi-literate
hicks know which tortures would be particularly horrendous to Muslims? It's
pretty unlikely that a group of people who were incapable of comprehending
the side of a cereal box would've spent their nights perusing the Koran for
tips. What if this camouflage-covered cast of Hee Haw where acting on the
orders of Higher-ups? And what if these of Higher-ups where, in turn,
acting on orders from very high up: orders which sought to "redefine"
torture. Wouldn't it, then, be in the Administration's best interest to
offer Grainer, the alleged "ring leader", some sort of deal: A few years
in a military prison and culminating in a full pardon in exchange for his
guilty plea and continued silence, for example?
The scenario becomes a tad more plausible when you consider that, a few
weeks ago, Grainer sabotaged the trial of Lindsey England. Perhaps he knew
that, if convicted, England would only do three years, max.
Of course, I'm just thinking out loud and have no proof of any of this. So,
if you're a RATYHTL reader who resides in a predominately Muslim country,
this isn't the sort of thing that you'd want to use as the grounds for your
next riot, OK? The last thing I need is a bunch of morons who execute women
for showing their ankles sighting me as source material.
While we're on the subject of rioting crowds of Muslims, I'd like to say I
was shocked that Newsweek wimped out on the Koran-in-the-toilet story, but
I saw that parade turn the corner on to Sixth Avenue days in advance. I
know they'd cave-in like a wicker chair under Ben Schumin, just like I knew
the story was, in fact, true. Hell, I'd read it months before - in Harper's.
Then again, who hasn't put a copy of the Koran in the toilet? Or
dunked a crucifix in urine? I know I have. Why, just the other day, I was
lining my yellow pussycat's litter box with a copy of the Talmud when I
noticed the story of one Yehoshua ben Pantera, the illegitimate son
of a Greek soldier (Pantera being the Latin form of the Greek word
Pantheras: Panther) serving in the Roman army and a woman named
Miriam (Mary).
You know, I think I once read something by Celsus (written around 178 CE)
about a Jewish woman named Miriam becoming pregnant by 'Pantheras,' a
Roman soldier; divorcing her husband, and bearing the child, Yehoshua, in
secret.
Of course, the Yehoshua (Joshua) whom Celus and the authors of the Talmud
were writing about was known to the Greeks as Iesous (Ihsouj), to the
Romans as Iesus, and, later, to the English speaking world as Jesus.
WTPFMYV? If there's evidence that Jesus was the bastard offspring of a
Greek spear carrier than why don't more people know about? OK, let's say
that you're a Jew living in Europe sometime between 500 and 1978 CE;
can you think of a reason to expunge any question of Jesus' heritage from
that copy of the Talmud you're working on? Inquisitions? Pogroms? Nazis?
Shit Luther, as far back as 1631, the Jewish Assembly of Elders in Poland
begged their brethren, "We enjoin you under the threat of the great ban to
publish in no new edition of the Mishnah or the Gemara anything that refers
to Jesus of Nazareth... If you will not diligently heed this letter, but
run counter thereto and continue to publish our books in the same manner as
heretofore, you might bring over us and yourselves still greater sufferings
than in previous times."
Well, that explains why so few people have heard the good news about Jesus
Christ's Greek dad. Many who have heard this story, by the way, dismiss it
outright. They claim that the name "Pantera" was a pun on the Greek word
for virgin (parthenos) [It should also be noted that among many first
century Greeks and Romans the word "panther" was often used as a metaphor
for "horny']. Now if they'd just be kind enough to explain why
nowhere in the Gospel of Mark is there any mention of Jesus' father.
Of course, I'm just thinking out loud…again.
Replies: 26 Comments
on Sunday, June 5th, dogfaceboy said
hmmm, now you mention it, jesus DOES look quite a lot like dimebag darrell.
on Sunday, June 5th, billzebub said
So if Jesus actually had a human father... then the assumption was when we "assume" something magical happened?
on Sunday, June 5th, SirAtededge said
So you're telling me Lucretia Borgia is the only real virgin mother?
I just don't feel right saying Hail Lucretia and I don't think the guy on the diocesan channel who says the Rosary at half-hour clips would either. And it hardly seems appropriate for penance unless maybe you poisoned someone.
And what was the deal with Downtown Julie Brown and the bananas?
on Monday, June 6th, S said
WHAT!!!! JESUS' MOTHER WASNT A VIRGIN!!!! What sort of crap will you be telling us next??? That j edgar hoover was a crossdresser and bologne smoker? or that priests are taking advantage of Alter boys? Rodney I think you have crossed the line.. i am all for free speech and stuff but damn... such lies and inuendo... I tell you... what is our society coming too....
on Monday, June 6th, Doc said
What's next? Somebody gonna dig up old market receipts that show Barbra Bush bought booze and smokes while she was pregnent...
on Monday, June 6th, Nigel Tailwind said
What does the H in Jesus H Christ stand for? There is no mention of it in John Luke Matthew or Ringo.
on Monday, June 6th, crapmonkey said
tinkywinky, dipsy, lala, poe...
teletubbies
telletubbies
say hello.
on Thursday, June 9th, ScreamingMan said
CE=AD?
BCE=BC?
Now how am I going to play 4000 AD?
on Thursday, June 9th, ScreamingMan said
H stands for Harry, as in Harry Potter
on Thursday, June 9th, briannirvana said
rodney knows what the h stands for
he explained it in a previous thoughtless.
but i forget what he said.
on Friday, June 10th, Rodney said
Yes, I did.
http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/archives/00000112.htm
3rd paragraph
on Friday, June 10th, briannirvana said
cool.
what's next?
on Saturday, June 11th, briannirvana said
remember courtney love approving a nirvana breakfast cereal.
classic.
i miss the daily thoughtless. i never commented enough but i loved it.
anybody here seen my old friend john.
can you tell me where he's gone.
he freed lot of people but the good they die young, i just looked around and he's gone.
on Wednesday, June 15th, briannirvana said
waiting,
like the salivating dog,
i am.
on Monday, June 20th, briannirvana said
take your time, if these plans work(nyquil), i might be able to stop time with a thought.
on Wednesday, June 22nd, mykel armory said
you are rong aggen rodney. yuo oar to say that this is put gods words in the urine. sick. you are so sick yher are an antecrist person in site. theis site is sick. you are sick you are so suck. how can it be. that in this the unitd staes ot amekia that you are to say atha you are in this.
on Wednesday, June 22nd, mykel amroy said
oh no oh no you are rong in youre jesus was a mary not vigrin. of she not vigin are sick. you talk of who is vigin and who is not vigrin and you are come to talk of she does in bed. taseles very much on you. rodney. now youare on rong sohot more. do you see. cand you know. you are talk o f woman in ways sed. ando you are ronty.
on Wednesday, June 22nd, eric said
please update god dammit.
on Thursday, June 23rd, Oneword said
Mykel Armory? How the fuck are you going to make a statment thats suppose to make an impact, if I cant even read what the fuck you just said. Maybe you would be more convicing, and people would stop making fun of you if you made some fucking sense............................But I am brainwashed to believe, that Jesus was the son of God and not a man, so why didnt the Bible mention it?, because the bible clearly states, that it was not a physical intercourse.But still your point does make sense to me if your looking at it from your point of view, unlike somone like me who has been brainwashed by the church, compared to somone like you who has been brainwashed by a school taxt book, Though I am more likley to believe a book that was writen 5,000 years ago, than one that was developed over the past hundred years. Im not writting this to piss any body off,I just like people to tell me how stupid I am for believing that the bible is true, or is it not really that stupid at all.Most of the time when people critasize christianity, they are not really critasizing it but there own view of it.So my view of christianity already seems alot differnt than yours. and I highly respect that because you are not me, and Im just a victim.
on Thursday, June 23rd, Grundy Sherwood said
Oneword,
Far be it from me to stick up for mykel, but your post made about as much sense as his.
Personally, I would be far more likely to believe a book on medicine written within the last hundred years than one written 5,000 years ago, so why would it be any different with the bible and... well, whatever other book you are talking about (you failed to tell us what book has got you so fired up that you were willing to brave the satanic demon of computer technology to rant about it to people who don't give a fuck). But I ask myself, should I really expect coherence from someone who thinks the bible was written 5,000 years ago, a scant 1,000 years after the world was created, and only 980 years (give or take) after Adam and Eve's kids were knocking boots with each other (talkin' bout that old time incest)?
And, yes, it really is that stupid to believe the bible is true. And if you think I'm not critasizing [sic] you, just my view of you, you are wrong. I am most definitely criticizing you.
Shut up, stupid American.
on Saturday, June 25th, briannirvanaisnotmykle said
he has a brother named Michael, hes in a band,
but anyway read this or youre a dickhead:
http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/athens/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=146
on Saturday, June 25th, briannirvana said
mykle are you drew barrymore?
if so sent me some dirty panties, please!
love brian
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on Thursday, July 7th, Oneword said
Sherwood, I simply mentioned just a hare of what my beliefs are, you call me stupid american, when I have lots of scientific evidence to back my self up.I believe in science, and it gos hand in hand with the most accurate history book ever made, instead of science trying to prove history, this book was being written at the time history was being made. of course the bible wasnt written only 5000 years ago, it is a record of history. apple=apple, computer=computer, But Evolution Still equals theory and so does the Bible, How are you gonna prove a theory right without circular reasoning. A always comes back to A
on Friday, July 8th, Oneword said
Stupid American is a very "primative" thing to say.
on Friday, July 8th, Grundy Sherwood said
Show me one shred of scientific evidence that backs up creationism, and I will take back what I said. There is no scientific evidence for creationism, and therefore it is NOT a theory. In fact, biblical creationism is not even a
hypothesis since it has actually been disproven. On the other hand, there is an overwhelming amount of evidence supporting evolution. The only reason it is still a theory is because it has not been isolated to a reproduceable system with precisely-identified causes. This does not mean that it is not a reliable and observable fact. Gravity is also still just a theory. I suggest you learn more about scientific method before you try to argue against evolution based on its status as a theory. I ask you, how are you going to prove what is said in the bible without circular reasoning.
The bible A) was not begun 5000 years ago, B) was not written at the time the events it portrays were supposedly happening (there was no one around to record the creation story or Noah's story; not even the new testament was written during the time of Jeebus), and C) is not accurate. It is a book of mythology, not a record of history. Most events that are recorded in the bible either have no corroborating evidence, or are so convoluted from what actually happened that scholars have to guess.
Your arguments are stupid, so I stand by my characterization of you. Stupid American is not a primitive thing to say, but by saying it is, aren't you implying that you, in fact, agree with the theory of evolution?
