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05/27/2005: "Fruit of the Loon"
Praise the Lard and pass the recriminations; Blair's May E-Letter has
finally arrived! Don't ask me what happened to last month's E-Letter.
Maybe Blair has a crappy, time-consuming job too? Come to think of it,
she does: Motherhood.
Gird yer loins, fellow sinners, 'cuz here we gooooooooo…..
May 2005 E-Letter
The Lord has been saturating me in the book of Philippians lately.[Oh,
you're soakin' in something, alright.] The other day I
saw Paul's letter to the church in Philippi from a different perspective.
[Under the table at the Hummingbird Tavern in Trevose, PA].
Obviously, it was because my focus is on my children, especially the ages
they are, and my passion for them to know Christ in His fullness. [Full
Frontal Jesus?] But, as I read Paul's letter ,["My lips moved"]
I understood that he was writing to his "children" with the same passion for
the same goal that I have for mine .[a series of "unexplained"
cross-shaped burns]. So I "prayed" Philippians for my three kids. I
thought you might want to do the same, [it's like she read my mind]
so I'm jotting down some of my prayer focuses.
Let me encourage you to set aside some time to read the Scriptures and
then pray ! [Pray, you fuckin' heathens, PRAY!!!] them for your
children. (Or for yourself if you don't have children - since you are
God's child. [The DNA testing proves it])
Read Philippians 1:1-11
Thank You, Father that I don't really have to worry because You
are faithful and it is up to You, not me, to complete the good
work You, not me, have begun in my children's hearts.
[Diagram THAT sentence, gang] Overflow their hearts with
Your love and a hunger for knowledge and wisdom and discernment
[And delicious, chewy caramel]. May they love what You
love and hate what You hate. [So, God hates. Who knew?]
Keep them from evil and fill them with Your Holy Spirit [And
delicious, chewy caramel] that bears good [delicious,
chewy] fruit for Your [delicious, chewy] glory.
Read Philippians 1:12-18
When they inevitably suffer tough times, whether by their own
choices or simply the times in which we live, use those
opportunities to draw them closer to You [By asking them if
they want to get into your van and help you look for your lost
puppy] and be a testimony of Your sovereignty. No matter
what happens in their lives, use it for Your glory and to
further the good news of Jesus Christ. [Trail subscription
available]
Read Philippians 1:19-30
Give my children an eternal perspective [and a thick
exoskeleton] so the choices they make will be in light of
their real home in Heaven with You. ["I'll be sending them
for a visit, this weekend] When they are stressed and
pressed because of the challenges of growing up today [i.e.
Having a screwed up ex-child star mom], enable them
to see beyond the magnified mountains of today [Did she copy
this shit from the liner notes to a Pink Floyd album?]
called peers, grades, acceptance, confusion, success, and all
the other very real pressures they face. Remind them that You
have not promised to remove them from suffering but to walk
beside them through it. And to reward them for finishing the
race. [the White race]
Read Philippians 2:1-11
Lord, please help my kids to get along with each other!
[That's more of a prayer for Blair than for her kids; don't
you think?] If they can't serve each other from a heart of
humility and love, then show them how it is really serving You
when they do. [WTPFMYV???] Enable them to look out for one
another's interests and not just think of themselves which
results in a three-way tug-of-war for power. [Um…Blair, not
everybody has THREE kids] Remind them that You laid down
your rights as God for us, even though we didn't deserve it
[Even God has suffered under the PATRIOT Act]. Show
them how to follow You by laying down their rights even if
their sibling is completely wrong and doesn't deserve grace.
[…and should be cast out into the wilderness for forty days
and sixty-nine nights without the jawbone of an ass or a pillar
of salt to be a lamp onto their feet]
Read Philippians 2:12-13
Dear God, give them the desire to obey You whether I'm around
or not. [I vas onlink followink Gott's orders]
It is about their hearts; make their salvation their own, not
just their parent's faith. Help them to make everything from
life decisions to thought choices knowing that You are
watching. It isn't about pleasing mom, dad, friends, or
themselves, but You alone ultimately. [If I wasn't already
an Atheist, that comment would turn me into one.]
Read Philippians 2:14-18
May they serve You with such a heart of gratitude that the world
around them is drawn to You through their sweet attitudes. Lord,
I have tried so hard to impress Your Word upon their hearts
[with my fists]from the time they were small, please take
hold of their hearts [Gross]so that my labor will not be
in vain. I can't make them believe and choose You but I so
desperately want them to know the abundant and eternal life that
comes from You. Implant Your Word and Your will and Your way in
their hearts by Your power. [The way that some wasps implant
their eggs into the bodies of caterpillars…again, gross.]
Read Philippians 2:19-30
Father, would you send godly mentors, role models, influences,
heroes, teachers, friends, and authority figures into their
lives. [send heavenly harbor masters, saintly surgeons,
righteous ringmasters, and Kip Winger. ] I understand
that as my children get older, I will not be the only influence
in their lives; they will become increasingly influenced by
others. Protect them from those who would lead them astray.
Send men and women, girls and boys, [send lawyers, guns, and
money]with character and like-mindedness to encourage,
support and strengthen their walk with You.
[Most of all, Lord, please don't let this prayer fall into the hands of
some sarcastic asshole who'll publicly mock it on his shitty, little website]
If you are interested, I finished chapters three and four in the May 9th
journal entry in the "Coffee Talk" section of my website. [Is that part
of the prayer? I'm confused.]
www.lisawhelchel.com/coffee.html
Great News! [Blair has inoperable cancer] MomTime Get-A-Ways are
back! LifeWay has agreed to produce four MomTime Get-A-Ways for 2006.
[Please, please let those getaways (why does Blair hyphenate "getaway"?)
be to Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan, and the Bermuda Triangle ] There will
be some changes but, knowing LifeWay, they will be great. I don't have any
details yet but I do have the dates so pencil one in for 2006, if you can.
[My pencil is in my front pocket. Would you mind…] I'll keep you
posted as I learn more about the particulars and how/when to register.
January 27-28 Austin, Texas
[I'm going to
offer Kathy from
Glass Eye $100 to
attend]
September 29-30 Monroe, Michigan
October 13-14 Lexington, Kentucky
August 18-19 Tyler, Texas
I hope your summer is restful and refreshing! [Thanks, Blair. I hope
you go blind while visiting the Museum of Sharp and Rusty Objects]
Blessings,
Lisa
