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05/20/2005: "CARLA'S CRITIQUE"

By Carla Russakoff, 11 year-old daughter
of Molly Russakoff, proprietress of Molly's Bookstore and publisher of
WE WORK AT THE BOOKSTORE (The Official Email Newsletter of Molly's Bookstore
1010 S. 9th Street, Philadelphia, 215-923-3367)


MOLLY'S BOOKSTORE: What's stupid this month?

CARLA RUSSAKOFF: Those stupid Livestrong bracelets that everyone is wearing.

MB: Why are they stupid?

CR: Everybody is like "you're not cool if you don't wear these," and I'm like "shut
up."
They're ugly. People think wearing them is a good deed, for charity, but it's only
like five cents that goes to charity. Today, we were doing reports for a time
capsule and 5 million billion people put those bracelets in their time capsules.
They were like "The bracelets are really cool, they're totally awesome." Like this
girl E---- in my play rehearsal, she has a bracelet that says "PIMP" on it. I'm like
"do you even know what that means?" And she's like "It doesn't matter. If you turn
it inside out, nobody can tell." But she never even turns it inside out.

MB: How long do you think it will be until everyone else realizes how stupid these
bracelets are?

CR: Well, in a couple of months they're not even going to be cool any more. They're
going to start selling them in Chinatown like those water yo-yo thingies, the ones
that broke in like two seconds. I, by the way, am the one who started that fad. They
should at least have better sayings on the bracelets, something with Happy Bunny
Man, like "I see dumb people," or something. Or they should have them for bands,
like the Ramones. That would be awesome. Or, here's a good one: "You can't escape
me, I'm all around you." Print it on both sides and it would make sense. Can I ask
you a question?

MB: Sure.

CR: You wouldn't happen to know where I could find pictures of emphysema do you?

MB: I'd try Google Image Search.

CR: That's what I'm doing, and it is not working. I'm on like page 20 and all I'm
seeing is men in suits. I search for emphysema and I get Monty Python. Google sucks.

MB: Why are you looking for pictures of emphysema?

CR: Because I have a health report due tomorrow, on emphysema. I am going to kill
Google. I am going to tear it out of the computer and throw it away, permanently.

MB: …

CR: Are we done?

Replies: 25 Comments

on Friday, May 20th, Samuel said

Fuck Lance Armstrong in his stupid ass and may his bracelets die.

"I was so happy that I got over nut cancer that I dumped my wife and kids to start ass banging Cheryl Crow! Buy my bracelets to help others recover from cancer to turn into heartless pricks!"

- Lance Armstrong

on Friday, May 20th, Dean said

Carla ROCKS!

on Saturday, May 21st, Grundy Sherwood said

You know what else is stupid? Those stupid "Support the Troops" ribbon magnets. They just scream "Slash my tires, please. I voted for Bush." What the fuck is that about, anyway? I saw one the other day that said "John Paul II, RIP" and had his picture. What does a fucking ribbon have to do with the fucking dead Pope?! People are morons, and this whole ribbon thing is the scientific evidence that proves it. Let's analyze, shall we? The Pope ribbon magnet came out, no doubt, because of the success of the "Support the Poops" ribbon magnet. There are many varieties of the "Support the Dupes" ribbon magnets, but the original was the yellow ribbon. Why? Because back during some previous war (I don't remember which one, they're all the same anyway), some dumbasses decided to tie yellow ribbons around trees because they thought that doing so would keep their husbands from getting killed (and also cure the herpes they got from the bagboy at the grocery store, and while you're at it, make sure the baby is born about 3 months premature and not too hispanic looking). This incredibly asinine act got on the news somehow (right after the late-breaking story about the adorable kittens that were adopted by a sweet old lady), and spread like wildfire across the less educated parts of the nation. But what is the significance of yellow ribbons being tied around trees? Well, for those not "fortunate" enough to experience 70's mainstream culture, it comes from the song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando and Dawn. For cripes sake, it's about a guy getting out of prison!!! So, to sum up: the Pope = troops in Iraq = ex-con.

You know what else is stupid? Intelligent Design. Any design that culminates in Toby Keith, the "Left Behind" books, and ribbon magnets cannot be considered intelligent.

on Saturday, May 21st, Dean said

Happy Birthday Rodney!

on Saturday, May 21st, ScreamingMan said

Thank you Grundy,...Thank you.

I just realised why Bush opposes Human Cloning - it would put the South out of business.

on Saturday, May 21st, Doc said

Yo Rodney,got yer b-day gift ovah heah...Funny thing is that most of those Support our/patriotic magnet stickers are all made in China-now that's real patriotism.I got friends in the military right now and I do know from talkin' with that if ya really wanna support em is to take the cash ya woulda spent on that cheesy magnet and use it to buy them stuff that Halberton, er the Government forgot or tried to jack em on.Contact the USO and they will tell ya how...

on Saturday, May 21st, Al said

good point. clearly someone oughta "support the troops", cos the government sure as hell ain't bothering. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I figure it wasn't all that "supportive" to cash in their lives for a few barrels of oil in the first place. meantime the whizzkids in DC are closing down all the domestic military installations, while simultaneously flushing their obscene military budget on fucking up some country the other side of the planet that nobody's even pretending to give a shit about any more. are we all feeling NATIONALLY SECURE yet?

on Saturday, May 21st, briannirvana said

i have nothing against any religion, but whats up with the Kabbalah bracelets?
They cost like $145, for a bracelet made of red thread.
wtf?
the kabbalah bible costs over $500.
thats for a regualr paperback.

on Saturday, May 21st, jimbob said

The first time I remember the yellow ribbons was during the Iran Hostage thingie when I was a kid. It didn't seem to "catch on" until alot later...

...I think.

on Saturday, May 21st, Greg (FDE III) said

Happy birthday Dean & Rod. I turn 19 today. May anyone with a riggon mag on their car get blind sided by an 18 wheeler with the driver full of pcp and uppers

on Sunday, May 22nd, SirAtededge said

One of the earliest "ribbon crazes" I remember was the Atlanta child killing wave invoving Wayne Williams.

As to the magnetic ribbons all being made in China, I have a "Stop Outsourcing" t-shirt made in Mexico. I guess I should have looked for the union label first.

.. and happy birthday to Dean and Rod and all Dead Milkmen fans everywhere whose birthdays are around now.

on Monday, May 23rd, Paul Kircher said

Happy Birthday Rodney ;)

on Monday, May 23rd, mykel armory said

now i see,. yes. arm stromg is a basterd. carla is right. he diserves his cancer. and what is have sex in ass with crow. not rigvht. so we see also you are hate troops. sicko.you should die. toops protec you. stupid to you to so that. now. her is what is also. rondy your birth day is not good. it is curse of human life. and your shirt and pans is ugly in puicture. i hope you have no bid days any more.

on Monday, May 23rd, Christine said

Oh, fuck! I forgot Rodney's birthday. Sorry, Rod. I suppose that's all right; I forgot my sister's, too.

Why don't the voices in my head ever remind me of that kind of stuff?

on Tuesday, May 24th, Oneword said

mykel armory you dumb fuck, nobody said we didnt support our troops, its those stoopid fucing magnets we dont support,its the stoopid fucking government we dont support,and Evil Darth Bush's scheem to get revenge for Emeror Daddy Bush.Those of you that didnt see episode 3, darth vader says a quote that Darth Bush says, sending the theatre in laughter knowing G.Lucus is a Democrat....... I say braclets are stupid also.But you know what is cool is the new S.O.A.D cd. listening to that cd for the first time was the best 36 minutes of my 2005 expeirence, despite its short length in 11 tracks, it had some great political messages, and a wonderful learning experience.For example, the line,"old skool hollywood baseball Jack gelardis 10 feet tall" got me thinking, who the hell is J. Gelardi. and whats he have to do with baseball. so I looked up the name and realized, Yes! I figured it out. So now you too can also read about Jack Gelardi by clicking on the RED Oneword.

on Tuesday, May 24th, Patel Armory said

you are an idiot, one word. just becuase some one hates bush does not make them democrat. moron. only a retard is a democrat or republican. people with ideals and brains vote green. you are narrow minded. syndrome of a down is garbaje, by the way. if you get your insights from a bad metal band, then may this world end. and you canno spell worth a damn either. scheem is scheme. stoopid is stupid. emeror is emperor. fucing is fucking.Braclets are bracelets. Skool is school (you should research that concept. Forget baseball). Lucus is Lucas. By the way, your grammar is atrocious, your sentences made no sense and there is no logic to your whole rant. You are a goddammed idiot. My brother's english may suck but he moved hear in 04. I have a feeling you have lived here your whole life, Oneword. What's your excuse, you ignorant fool?

on Tuesday, May 24th, Springfield Armory said

M1 RIFLES FOR EVERYONE!!

on Tuesday, May 24th, Paul Kircher said

It's Rodney's Birthday! Let's get this party started!! (applause)

'Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don't see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet.

'No confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons. All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons.

'We need all of them coming down. Go balloons- balloons? What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down! All balloons, what the hell! There's nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down, more balloons. More balloons. More balloons'...

on Tuesday, May 24th, Doc said

Hey Springfield,you're a Brit!! Don't ya mean Enfields or Stens for everyone?

on Wednesday, May 25th, Aias said

I proudly wear my black 'live wrong' bracelet so that when people ask me why the black braclet, I tell them it's mourning the death of origional, independent thought! And it really pisses them off, which is why I wear it in the first place!

Happy belated B-Day Rodney!

on Wednesday, May 25th, ihatehaters said

carla, id like to see you get cancer and then overcome it.

on Wednesday, May 25th, nakedsnake said

who the hell is rodney

on Thursday, May 26th, Pistaugh said

"I am going to kill google"

That is some funny stuff.

on Thursday, May 26th, eliot rosewater said

Oneword, your link does not work. I have been listening to the new system of a down album, and would like to know who j. gelardi is. By the way, basing our political ideas on those of an idealistic rock band is not a good idea. We should think for ourselves and base our ideas upon knowledge and not mindless repeated "save the world" rock band ideas. What i find hard to believe is that incredibly succesful musicians with millions of dollars sitting in their huge mansions really genuinely care about what is better for this world. So let's think for ourselves.

on Friday, May 27th, mykel armory said

i agre with eliot. you are a idiot.