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04/17/2005: "Fabulae Pontificalis (Today's episode:I was a teenaged Pontiff)"
Adolescents: they're surly, disrespectful to their elders, and high on
everything from household cleaning products to badger tranquilizer. Thanks
to their raging hormones and various addictions (not to mention their loud
hair and long music), teenagers are completely incapable of performing even
the most menial of tasks. Shit Luther, each year Junior Achievement has to
kick at least 7,000 of these snotty little punks out of the program for
attempting to start companies which manufacture either sex toys, bongs, or
sex toys which transform into bongs. And don't get me started on what
really goes on between a teenager and his 4H project once the barn
doors have been closed. If teens can't be trusted to mow the lawn without
attempting to smoke the clippings, you'd never expect someone to put a
teenager in charge of the spiritual welfare of a few million Catholics,
right?
And yet that's exactly what happened in 955 CE when an 18-year-old ascended
to the Papal throne and took the name John XII.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute; 18 back in 995 wasn't
like 18 today. After all, wasn't the average life expectancy for men
something like 34? And didn't women, as soon as they reached puberty
become pregnant and die during childbirth?" Well, yes and no. The average
life expectancy for poor men was around 34 years of age, but men
from wealthy families (and Pope John XII was from a very wealthy family)
often lived well into their 80's. It's kind of like when Bush tried to
sell Blacks on the idea of Private Accounts by pointing out that
statistically Black men live shorter lives than their Honkey
counterparts. What Bush failed to mention was that the lower life
expectancy rate for black males was the result of a high death rate (from
acts of violence) among young Black men, and that a Black man who reaches
the age of 65 has a better chance of reaching the age of 80 than does the
Cracker down the street. You know, even in a piece about an 8th century
Pope, it's hard not to include a few lines about what a major DICK George
Bush is.
Anyway, like I said, Pope John XII came from a very wealthy family. In fact
(quidem), in order to understand how young John got to be Pope we'll need
to take a look at his sordid family history. Sherman, set the Wayback
machine for 890 CE.
For it was in that year that a woman named Theodora and her husband,
Theophylact, first appeared in Rome. Together they would spend the next few
decades amassing copious amounts of wealth and power. Before ol' man
Theophylact snuffed it in 920, he not only served as a judge and a senator,
but had also been made a Duke and put in charge of both the finances of the
Pope and of the Roman militia.
Theodora, perhaps shortly after being appointed to the senate: or maybe she
got hit on the head with a coconut, like on Gilligan's Island,
somehow got it into her head that the House of Theophylact should become a
major dynasty who's chief duty would be churning out future Roman Emperors.
In order to achieve this lofty and vaguely creepy goal, Theodora would need
to control the papacy.
In 904, Theodora managed to get her candidate for the coveted position of
Pope elected. He would be known as Pope Sergius III and, as a
congratulatory gift, Theodora and Theophylact presented him with their
15-year-old daughter, Marozia. Sergius wasted no time in impregnating the
girl: she soon gave birth to their son, John (In what was then a
statistical anomaly, she didn't die giving birth to him.)
Sergius III bought the Papal farm in 911, and Theodora orchestrated the
election of the next three Popes: Anastasius (911 - 13), Lando (913 -14),
and John X (914 - 28); who, by some strange coincidence, happened to be
her lover.
By this time Marozia had come of age and become very popular within Roman
society: Which is a polite way of say "she slept around a lot". Quidem,
she was so popular that she soon became the de facto ruler of Rome. This
brought her into direct conflict with John X, the Pope who was banging her
mother ("Oh yeah. Who's you Holy Father, baby?"), so she began plotting his
removal.
The main bulwark of Marozia's plan, and I remind you that I'm making none
of this up, was to create a hereditary papacy. This would clear the
way for the ascension of her son John. Remember him; the bastard fathered
by Pope Sergius III?
The situation between Marozia and John X (there should really be a Pope
Malcolm X; that would be so cool.) reached its apex when Marozia, with the
help of a private army, laid siege to St. Peters. John X managed to hold
out for two years before capitulating and being hauled off to prison;
where, in the spirit of Stephen VI, he was murdered.
Marozia would be in charge of picking the next three Popes: Leo VI (928),
Stephen VII (928 - 31), and, finally, her 20-year-old son, John XI
(931 - 36)
As far as I know, Pope Sergius III and Pope John XI are the only father/son
Papal team in history.
Marozia fell from power after she ditched her husband for his brother. She
was deposed by another of her sons, Alberic. After the death of his
half-brother John XI, Alberic would go on to engineer the elections of the
next four Popes. So influential was Alberic that, on his death-bed, he
managed to get Rome's leading clergy and statesmen to promise to elect his
son, Octavian, as the next Pope.
And that, boppers, is how 18-year-old Octavian became Pope John XII.
But wait, there's more…
February 2nd is not only Groundhog's Day, the day on which Sid Vicious
died, and the day that both Fed Flintstone and my wife celebrate their
birthdays; it's also the day on which, back in 962 CE, 25-year-old Pope
John XII anointed Otto I as Emperor of Saxony. Unfortunately, what John
didn't know was that Otto harbored dreams of restoring the Holy Roman
Empire. These dreams always ended the same way, with the removal of John.
That's why, a year later, Otto convened a synod and charged John with the
following:
Committing incest with his two sisters. Invoking the devil's help to win
at dice (this was a duel charge since playing dice was also a crime).
Accepting money for the appointment of Bishops. Ravishing virgins.
Converting the Papal palace into a bordello [the Emperor Caligula had done
the same thing to his imperial residence]. Having sex with the following:
His father's mistress, an unnamed Queen Dowager, a widow named Anna, and
his own niece. Blinding his father confessor. Hunting in public [Seems kind
of trivial compared to the other charges. Then again, they don't mention
exactly what he was hunting]. Castrating a Deacon. Arson. And "breaking
windows in the night."
Pope John XII refused to take part in the trial (no wonder; if even half of
those charges were true, he was too busy), so he was deposed and Otto's
man, Leo VIII, replaced him.
Ah, but never underestimate the popularity of someone from the House of
Theophylact. The people of Rome rose up and put John XII back on the
throne. Leo VIII, by the way, despite having his election contested, is
listed as a "true pope" in the Catholic Churches Annuario Pontificio
(I recommend the pop-up version).
And John XII lived happily ever after…
For the next two years, until he either (depending on which book you read)
died from a stroke sustained while having sex with a married woman, or was
murdered by the angry husband of the aforementioned woman.
