[Previous entry: "Comedy, thy name is "Suzanne"."] [Next entry: "Fabulae Pontificalis (Today's episode:I was a teenaged Pontiff)"]
04/16/2005: "Fabulae Pontificalis (Today's episode: Pope 9 From Outer Space)"
In January of 897 CE ex-Pope Formosus was placed on trial by trial by the
present Pope, Stephen VI. Now, one Pope conducting the trial of a former
Pope is an unusual event. It becomes even more unusual when you consider
that Formosus had been dead for six months. And it becomes extremely
unusual once you learn that, despite being a corpse, Formosus attended his
own trial.
I can see that a small amount of explanation is called for.
Back in the day, back to the council of Nicaea in 325 CE to be precise,
Bishops were barred from being elected Pope. The logic behind this was
that being the Bishop of some other municipality as well as the Episcopus
Romae was pretty much the same as having two wives: An odd analogy for men
who weren't allowed to get married. Cardinals, by the way, didn't appear
on the scene until the eleventh century, and the swimsuit competition was
eliminated from the Papal Conclave in 1978.
The rule keeping Bishops off the throne of Peter was rescinded by Pope
Marinus I (Pope from 882 through 884 CE); this cleared the way for
Formosus, who was at that time Bishop of Porto (Motto: "The city that
never sleeps…and is, therefore, rather cranky.") to be elected CEO of the
Catholic Church in 891.
Formosus would reign for five years. He was succeeded by Boniface VI, who
may have the shortest Papal tenure on record: a measly fifteen days.
According to the Annales Ecclesiasticae (written in the sixteenth
century by one Cardinal Baronius), Boniface VI was "a disgusting monster"
who was deposed on charges of adultery (?) and homicide.
Boniface VI was followed by Stephen VI (896-897) who had long despised the
late Formosus thanks to certain political alliances that the former Pope
had formed within the Frankish Empire. Now that Stephen was wearing the
pointy hat the time was ripe for revenge.
Remember that old rule about Bishops not being allowed to become Pope? Well
Pope Steve-O used that as a pretext for putting the recently buried on
trial. So Formosus, in what has since become known as the Cadaver
Synod, was disinterred, redressed in his pontifical vestments, and
propped up in a chair: not unlike Norman Bates' mom in Psycho A
deacon was placed next to Formosus and assigned the duty of answering any
questions which might be posed to the corpse. Despite this top-notch legal
representation, Formosus was found guilty of perjury (WTPFMYV?) and a few
other miscellaneous crimes.
And then came the penalty phase of the trial.
Formosus' papal garments were ripped (Chippendales-like) from his body;
three of his fingers (the ones he'd used for consecrations) were hacked
from his right hand before his corpse was tossed into a grave in the
strangers' cemetery: from where it was unceremoniously removed a few days
later and chucked in to the Tiber.
So, does this mean that Formosus isn't buried in the Vatican? No. An
industrious/amphibious monk leap into the river and saved (like on
Baywatch, but without the fake tits) the body Pope Formosus. A few
months later, Stephen's successor had Formosus re-interred in St. Peter's.
Successor? A few months later? What happened to Pope Stephen VI? Well,
the Cadaver Synod was considered a little too over-the-top by the people
of Rome who, in angry mod mode, deposed Stephen and sent him packing off
to prison…where he was later strangled to death by an assassin.
_ . _
Hey Pope-oholics, I hope you enjoyed that because it's Fabulae
Pontificalis Week here at RATYHTL. I'll be sharing with you the sort
of Papal history that the Church (and nearly every news program) would
rather forget.
_ . _
Bonus Phun Phact: Cardinal Baronius, the aforementioned author of the
Annales Ecclesiasticae, referred to the above epoch in the Church's
history as "the obscene decade". In fact, things had gotten so bad during
the 800's that, according to John Potter's History of Christianity
that priests, completely ignorant of Latin, were not baptizing babies
"in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti"but instead were
babbling "in nomine Patria et Filia et Spirita Sancta " ("In the
name of Patricia, the daughter, and the holy female spirit")
