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04/05/2005: "Hopped up on goofballs"

Words used to mean things: simple, direct things. For example, the word
"car" used to mean "automobile". Somewhere along the way "car" came to
mean "Fascist Bully-BoyMobile. Why don't you pile your dozen little
no-necked monsters into your 'murdermachine' that runs on the blood of
the poor and drive: drive all night and day fueled by that trucker speed
that you can legally at 7-11's below the Manson-Nixon Line: drive until
you finally get to Disney World where your beat little Austin/Cody/Dakota
to a goddamn bloody pulp because he pissed his pants on Space Mountain.
Ha, ha Fucker. You slaved away in the billing department of Toxic Third
World Baby Food Inc. for ten years to accumulate three days worth of
vacation time (not to mention maxing out your credit cards to afford the
trip) and now it's been ruined by the same little crybaby who bawled like
a little girl the first time he got tackled at Pee-Wee football. Well,
you'll show him: he's going hunting with you this fall rather the little
pansy wants to or not. And if he sheds so much as one tear, only one of
you will be coming back."

"Woman" used to mean "female of the human species". Today it's became a
synonym for "plaintiff".

_ . _

I'm a little worried about Lisa Whelchel (AKA TV's Blair from The Facts
of Life). It's early April and I haven't gotten one of patently bizarre
E-letters since February.

Her website offers no clues as to her disappearance and neither does the
Motherhood Club site. Speaking of the Muthahood Club, the "Ask Dr. Mom"
section is finally up; although it's not nearly as promising as we'd all
hoped: in other words, Dr. Mom never advises anyone to beat their child
with a Bible while wearing scratchy undergarments. In order to somewhat
temper our disappointment, I now (in a nod to MAD magazine) present Dr.
Moms We'd Like To See…you clod!:

My name is Annie and I am a mom of a 7 month old daughter. I receive
[sic] the Christian Women's magazine and I noticed an ad for your website.
It is such a wonderful resource for moms! What an encouragement. I did have
a question for Doctor Mom if that is possible. My question is that my
daughter, Katie, has been showing signs of temper tantrums when she is not
being fed fast enough or when she wants an object that she cannot have. I
didn't know, with her being so young, if she really is having temper
tantrums or not. And if she is, what do I do about it? It's so hard for me
to not loose my mind over it. My main concern is to do what is best for
her, and that is what I am unsure about.

Thanks so much!
Annie from Tennessee

Dear wretched sinner,
How is your daughter ever going to learn to be subservient to her future
husband if she can't learn to be subservient to her parents? You need to
take one of those Christian Women's magazines, roll it up, and beat the
willfulness out of that junior Jezebel. Once you've taught the tiny servant
of the Anti-Christ that the only time she should raise her voice is to
either sing a hymn or Toby Keith's God Bless the USA, you should
take a few minutes of "Mom Time" for yourself: to mortify your sinful
flesh.


My name is Laurie, I am a home schooling mother of two, a 6 year old and
4 year old. My question is, any good ideas for not getting so "stressed
out" with my "strong-willed" 4 year old? When she is angry she tends to
SCREAM and throw things around and fight me on her time out. I make her
stand in a corner for 4 minutes whenever she talks rudely and doesn't want
to change her attitude or if she is out right mean. This is when the
screaming and tantrums begin. I will just walk away and eventually she will
calm down after she screams "I want to hug you!!!" (sometimes I feel that
is a power thing). When the timer goes off, she knows her time is up--she
gets a hug and kiss and ALWAYS apologizes on her own and cleans up any
messes she might have made in her anger. She has the sweetest, biggest
heart but has trouble controlling her temper. Is this normal for this age?
If I say black, she says white.

Thanks!

Laurie
Michigan

Dear Failure in the Eyes of God,

Your daughter is obviously the Whore of Babylon whose coming was foretold
in the book of Revelations.

Replies: 24 Comments

on Tuesday, April 5th, Nigel Tailwind said

The best thing my old man ever did for me was hit me in the face with a "short" right when I laughed in his face. I was 13. He was 6'2" and an ex boxer/cop. I knew instantly I never want another one of them and pretty much acted accordingly.
I friend of mine has a teenage son who has been coddled by everyone except my friend who wants to wring his neck. Well now the kid faces 20 years for armed robbery. A short right would've gone a long way to prevent this development.

on Tuesday, April 5th, Mykel armry said

Im gearing up to tell you that every day you laugh about god and make fun at him. this is not good? do you hate your self rodney? do you really wish that you were better so you would not take god and throw him in the dumper? rodney, ai have three questions for you to ask your self. one is that what aare you going to acheve when it comes down to it? two is who is the things that are people who you can not make fun at? three is where is your heart and your sould? these should do. i care about you all and i don;t want to see you be doing these things to make the world hurt. remeber the god! do you rember the god? he is there waiting for you. you can make fun and be a wise acker but you know as well as i do it that you will find a place. be nice, rodneyt. you are too unreverent. tell your loyale readers to be bettr people to becuase they are your sheep.

on Tuesday, April 5th, briannirvana said

I agree with mykle.
but lisa wetchel is a bit strange.
some christians are too much.
whetchel is the kind of parent that stifles thier kids so much that when the finally get freedom they turn criminal or kill themselves intentionally or accidentally.
Christian parents sometimes really fuck up their kids.
and i have read whetchels e letters and she sounds so pretentious that i choke.

on Tuesday, April 5th, razlerja said

Dear Mykel (if that is your real name),

I would like you to consider that an omnipotent god is beyond the comprehension (and therefore 'make fun at') of our mortal minds. Any god who is represented as omnipotent that you can imagine is therefore less than omnipotent; therefore less than god; therefore not immune from 'the dumper'. The gods and goddesses that I worship are not nearly as selfish and insecure as your monotheistic Allfather. Remember, He is not the only game in town. Shop around, I'm sure you can find a better deal.

on Tuesday, April 5th, ebbv said

baa baa baa.

on Tuesday, April 5th, crapmonkey said

thanks Rodney, it's all your fault i'm going to hell.

on Tuesday, April 5th, Matt said

Now now crapmonkey... Rodney's just driving the bus, you chose to board it.

on Tuesday, April 5th, jimbob said

This is the Bus to Hell?
Crap, I thought it was the shortbus to the zoo.

on Tuesday, April 5th, billzebub said

Rodney, you lost me on that part about the trip to Diznee whirld. Bad weekend? Whelchel is an asshat, though. Did you guys read my review of her book on Amazon?

on Wednesday, April 6th, Mykel Armory said

The buss is not going to hell.. Rather, you must look in side your selves and ou will swee that the bus is going to heaven. you will be there with god and hjesus and the holy bost.I dont remembver no trip to sidney world. i dont memeer no such thing. see, the lord had told us about the will and we shose to ignore it. but. in the end. the word. it will come crashing down on the ideals of the main streem. we will come breaking down the doorys of normamly. we will be conerted to the ways of our lord. you to rodnety. you will see. you will invite me to your chrisch when you find god and we will share the god. remmber the god. never forget the god.

on Wednesday, April 6th, Nigel Tailwind said

I had a holy roller confront me in the office one day. He said,"Nigel, what do you think the lord is going to say to you when you stand before him in judgement?" I replyed "Nigel thanks for the laughes. There's beer in the fridge." He jsut stared at me.

on Wednesday, April 6th, razlerja said

'hjesus and the holy bost': best band name evar!!!

on Wednesday, April 6th, ts said

I am sick of this fake person already. I wish there were some real fundies on here for me to laugh at.

on Wednesday, April 6th, briannirvana said

Hey raz i love it shop around.
what a joke.
Christiasnity is much more respected than your hokey religion.
christianity has saved 500 times more people than it has killed.
just because something was dark at one time does not mean that darkness still exists.
And i totally agree with mykle.
say it brother!

on Wednesday, April 6th, razlerja said

So, you know how many people Christianity has saved and killed then? Please tell us all, St. Brian.

on Wednesday, April 6th, caffiene23 said

http://www.geocities.com/fatchub22/rodney.html?1112804561820

Please take a look.

on Wednesday, April 6th, Grundy Sherwood said

So, Brian (aka Mykel), it must be great to finally have someone on here who agrees with you - even if it is only yourself.

What has christianity saved anyone from? A burning building? A tornado? A tsunami? You see, there is a difference between concrete states - such as someone being killed - and abstract (and very imaginary) states like the misuse of the word "saved" that christians are so fond of. The only thing christianity has saved anyone from is having to take responsibility for their own actions.

on Wednesday, April 6th, crapmonkey said

if Rodney's driving the bus, can we stop at McDonald's? i might as well eat shit, being im on my way to hell or was it heaven. whatever.

on Wednesday, April 6th, razlerja said

Caf, I read your post/blog/thingy...uh, get a grip. Rodney, like the Bible, is not meant to be taken literally. He, also like the Bible, exagerates for effect (often comic effect).

on Wednesday, April 6th, TS said

I looked it was lame... Have you read any of the Thoughtlessess... before?

-TS

on Wednesday, April 6th, billzebub said

Yeah Caf, get a grip. I guess in the past I have taken offense to easily at Rod's jabs at people who live south of Baltimore, but onestly, it's all in good fun, and I think balding guys who can't spell are laughable.

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