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04/03/2005: "Baaad Mutha Superior"

malkin1 (16k image)Yesterday Michelle "Wife of Joseph, mother of Jesus" Malkin published a
list of writers whom, in her almond-shaped eyes, had disrespectful of
the memory of the Pope by penning articles which relied on facts rather
than religious dogma.

Personally, I would've loved to have been on that list, rubbing shoulders
with the likes of Chris Hitchens; and, as an Atheist, you might that I
wouldn't have anything nice to say about the late Carol Wojtyla (who was
also known by his "street name" of Pope John Paul II). On the contrary,
there are plenty of nice things that I can say about the man: he was one
of the few religious leaders who were perfectly OK with the idea of
Evolution; he was opposed to the death penalty; he publicly apologized for
the Catholic Church's collusion with the Nazis, before, during, and after
WWII; he forgave the shithook who shot him; and he stood firmly
against the US invasion of Iraq (he would later chastise Bush, to his face,
about the Abu Ghraib scandal).

Sure he was also an intolerant, inflexible, ideologue who had willingly
chained himself and his followers to an outmoded belief system and had a
hand in helping pedophiles avoid prosecution; but, as far as intolerant,
inflexible, ideologues who willingly chain themselves and their followers
to outmoded belief systems and had a hand in helping pedophiles avoid
prosecution go; he wasn't too bad.

As I've pointed out on numerous occasions, I have a huge soft-spot in my
heart for the Catholic Church (and for the Greek and Russian Orthodox
Churches as well as the Coptic Church). I've spent years reading everything
I can get my almond-shaped hands on about the Catholic Church. I never
cease to be amazed by how much more I, an outsider, know about Catholicism
than people who grew up within the Church do. For example, my wife, though
not a practicing Catholic, was raised by a Catholic family in the most
Catholic of all places - South Philadelphia - yet had no idea that St.
Christopher had not been a Saint since Woodstock.

I even have a favorite Pope (Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, AKA Pope John XXIII)
and a least favorite Pope (Eugenio "Stinky" Pacelli, AKA Pope Pius XII);
this is why I feel uniquely qualified to pick the next Pope; or, failing
that, to at least pick the color of the next Pope.

Let's make this official…

I, Rodney Anonymous, speaking for closet Catholics everywhere demand that
the next Pope be Black.

popeodp (18k image)First of all, while there are tons of Black Saints (St. Martin DePorres,
St. Peter Claver, Saint Katharine Drexel, and St. Darnell the Smooooth),
there hasn't been a Black Pope since Pope St. Gelasius I who died in 496.
Yeah, Whitey has no problem with handing a Black parking attendant the
keys to his car, but when it comes to the keys of St. Peter…

Secondly, and - in my book, at least - most importantly is the kick that
the rest of us will get from watching working class Irish-American and
Italian-American Catholics take their marching orders from a brother. Many
members of these two groups are notoriously bigoted (while many others,
in a strange paradox, are often incredibly liberal and tolerant) despite
the fact they themselves are not White.

Now it may come as a shock to many Catholic Americans of Italian or Irish
heritage to lean that they are not White, but everybody has to face the
music sometime: unless, of course, that music is "Dixie"; in which case,
feel free to turn your backs.

So why aren't Shamus and Tony White? Well, they fail the Triple-K/Double-C
Test. This test simply states that if you can't join either the Klan or
most Country Clubs, you are not White; so stop checking that box
on forms, OK?

And if all of that doesn't convince you that the next Pope should be black,
this will: wouldn't you love to the Popemobile totally pimped out with
really sweet rims an' shit? I know I would.

askas (22k image)Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Is caviar of sturgeon fish halal or haram?

Answer: If sturgeon is known to have scales (even by origin as some
say), there is no obejction in eating the caviar and the fish itself would
also be subject to being halal. If it is not known as a fish to have scales
but sold by muslims, who do not consider unscaled fish to be halal, there
would be again no objection in eating it.

[You guys live in the middle of the fuckin' desert; are fish really that
big of an issue? - Ayatollah Anonymous]

_ . _

_ . _

_ . _

gonzale5 (19k image)

He stared in Peak Practice, The Devil's Tattoo, Lady
Audley's Secret
, Ultimate Force, and Hornblower: Mutiny
None of which are porn films !

He fronted the greatest band of all time

Happy birthday to ...

Jamie Bamber who turns 32 today.

And Social Distortion's Mike Ness turns 43.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
anastaurow - impale

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

The Latin word of the day is:
alii - others

Replies: 15 Comments

on Sunday, April 3rd, SirAtededge said

Have you no love (or hate) for Pope Alexander VI, or "Dad" Borgia?

Be careful what you wish for with a black Pope. The third world Cardinals have all been appointed by JPII and reflect his inflexible, doctrinaire side. African Cardinals have staunchly perpetuated the condom prohibition in the midst of the AIDS holocaust in their nations, and if that doesn't wind you up on a spit in Satan's Weber kettle, I can't think of what will. There is an ironic side-note to this that was brought up in an Atlantic article a few years ago. Just like space in today's Thoughtless, featuring the Pope and Ayatollah Sistani,the battle for souls in sub-Saharan Africa, is a race between this very conservative Catholicism and Islam. AIDS is spreading faster among Catholics, a fact which the author attributes to the Islamic custom of circumcision, hence fewer infected sores on the Halal johnson. Rubbers might be the only thing that can save Christendom.

Another one of the wonderfully politically tone-deaf episodes in the article involved the Cardinal from Singapore, who is considered a front runner to be the first third world pope (of the modern era).

He was visiting Alaska, and the local Bishop took him out to see an Inuit village which included a totem pole. The next morning, without the local Bishop's knowledge, the Cardinal from Singapore went out to the village and performed an exorcism on the totem pole, for it was obviously a focus of devil worship.

on Monday, April 4th, IVOTEDFORZUES said

Iran has a section of coastline on the Caspian Sea, and these waters make it one of the worlds biggest producers of Caviar.

on Monday, April 4th, mykel armory said

you rodney anomous can say these things bout the pope, but will you see how wrong you are? Wil you feel the wath of the porwer and glory of god as he tasks the sword of flames down at you? each day you come closer to your dam nation!

on Monday, April 4th, Nigel Tailwind said

Back in the days before cursing was allowed in films, W.C. Fields used to skirt the issue with Godfried Daniels! Today I see one of the leading candidates to be ODP is named Godfried Dannels. Ah yes.

And I love my damn nation.

on Monday, April 4th, razlerja said

'Dam nation' totally cracks me up. Otherwise, I've started my own religion; that way I get to be Pope all the time.

on Monday, April 4th, Twitch said

Doncha guys know that EVERYONE is allready a pope?

Jesus, are there no Discordians anywhere on this planet but in my own house? I HAVE NO SON!

C'mon Rodney, surely you are familier with the wonders of Eris?

on Monday, April 4th, briannirvana said

alberto gonzales is sending messages to my brain, the tin foil is not strong enough to deflect the obsenities.

on Monday, April 4th, razlerja said


on Monday, April 4th, Matt said

Not only did the pope forgive the dude who shot him, that same dude now wants to attend the pope's funeral: "Timmy, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"

on Monday, April 4th, Mochi The Jackass said

Mykel, as cool an idea as it is, I don't see how Rodney is going to end up dictator of Holland...

on Tuesday, April 5th, SirAtededge said

Thomas Cahill weighs in thusly

on Tuesday, April 5th, briannirvana said

Mykle is right, the more you sin the heavier you will be when the time to float comes.
You will either sink or swim. Mykel and I already float.
and you are jealous.
thats ok.
join us and the jealousy will become zeal.

on Tuesday, April 5th, Grundy Sherwood said

Yes, like turds in the toilet, Brian and Mykel float. I'm so jealous - I wish I was a zealous turd.

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divide2 (4k image)

Ronald Reagan in Hell
The Paul Kircher Show
The Dead Milkmen

April 2005

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