03/30/2005: "The Incredible Sinking Man"
On Monday's edition of The Paul Kircher Show I described House Majority
leader Tom DeLay as being "lower than whale droppings in the Marianas
Trench." Within hours I was inundated with emails taking exception
to this statement. It should be noted that none of authors of these
emails thought that Mr. Delay was a good person or that, as a journalist,
I should be comparing newsmakers to whale droppings. No, all of the
objections were on strictly scientific grounds. Take this email,
Wow David, that's some email. What do you call that font? As for the Earth
being only 6,000 years old and the Jews being behind 9/11, your "teacher"
is, of course wrong. Which reminds me - both you and your family should
flee Montana immediately. Trust me on this one. I own the entire set of
TimeLife Presents: Jews of the Old West (featuring Sol Tannenbaum:
A Rabbi so ornery he once shot a man for eating lobster) and none of the
histories contained therein have happy endings.
As to the question of would Tom DeLay be smashed flat if he descended to
the bottom of the Marianas Trench….well, let's find out.
The Marianas Trench (formerly known as the Philippines Trench, until that
title was officially transferred to Michelle Malkin) is the deepest spot
in the ocean and, therefore, the deepest place on Earth. How deep is the
Marianas Trench? It's 35,838 feet deep: that's nearly 7 miles! If you were
to take all of the money stolen by Enron and sink it into the trench, it
would just barely rise out of the water. Wow, that's deep!
Be sure to tell your teacher that the trench was NOT formed when Satan fell
to Earth, but was caused by plate tectonics. And then run; run for your
The water pressure on the floor of the Marianas Trench is roughly 16,000
pounds per square inch (that's more than 7 tons per square inch) and may
have served as the inspiration for the David Bowie/Queen collaboration
Under Pressure. This kind of weight would, naturally, crush Mr.
DeLay (this is what scientists like to call "a plus") if he were protected
by only a diving suit; but the development of deep sea submarines (like the
Trieste) and bathyscaphes has made it possible to safely visit the bottom
of the Marianas Trench (Safely, that is, as long as a total dickweed like
Tom DeLay isn't at the controls).
When I suggested that Tom DeLay was lower than whale droppings in the
Marianas Trench, I was speaking metaphorically. I was using the
analogy of the sheer deepness of the trench to chart the depths to which
Tom Delay has sunken. If you were to assign a numeric value to each stupid,
hypocritical, or unethical thing that Mr. DeLay has done, you can see that
he in fact is than whale droppings in the Marianas Trench. Let the
DeLay founds political action committee (currently the subject of a grand
jury investigation in Texas) that may have improperly used corporate funds
to influence the outcome of state legislative races.
Approximate drop in feet: 13,000
DeLay enlists the help of Department of Homeland Security in
rounding up Democratic Texas State legislators who, angry over DeLay's
attempts at redistricting and in an attempt to deprive the Legislator of
a quorum, hid themselves in Oklahoma.
Approximate drop in feet: 12,500
Delay authors the American Servicemember's Protection Act (HR 4775)
which makes it legal for the US to invade Holland should that country ever
put a member of the US Armed Forces on trial.
Approximate drop in feet: 11,000
DeLay, when asked to stop smoking a cigar on government property, shouts,
"I am the federal government."
Approximate drop in feet: 8,600
DeLay calls a press conference in which he attributes Columbine school
shootings to the fact that students are taught the theory of evolution.
Approximate drop in feet: 11,500
DeLay, in a speech delivered to the Conservative "Family Research Council",
says, "I tell you, ladies and gentlemen, one thing God has brought to us is
Terri Schiavo to elevate the visibility of what's going on in America." In
1988 lent his consensus to his family's decision to remove his father,
Charles Ray DeLay, from life support.
Approximate drop in feet: Unfathomable
Final Tally: Tom DeLay has sunken to 56,600 feet. 20, 762 feet lower than
the lowest possible whale droppings in the Marianas Trench.
_ . _
Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website
I am working in Saudi Arabia and living some 200 Km west of Dhahran.
Makkah is about 1500 Km from my living place. I want to go for umrah.
I want to go by aeroplane to Jeddah and then to Mecca by car.
Can I fly to Jeddah and then immediately after arriving at the airport
in Jeddah I can go to miqat to make ihram and then go to Mecca. If not
then where should I make ihram.
Answer: Yes, with valid Nathr (vow) you make ihram at Jeddah;
you say: lillah-i ‘alay an uhrim min huna (by all I make Ihram here).
[He'll still have to change planes in Atlanta - Ayatollah Anonymous]
_ . _
_ . _
She made a splash in My Friend's Hot Mom, Pierced Shaved and Anal,
Nude Awakenings, Midget Goes Hawaiian, and Driving Miss Daisy Crazy.
While she should make a splash by jumping off a bridge.
Happy birthday to ...
Bridgette Monroe who turns 37 today.
As does Céline Dion.
gumnoj - naked
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
dolemus - we grieve