[Previous entry: "Punjab Calling"] [Next entry: "King Herod Agrippa: Not Such a bad guy once you get to know him."]
03/25/2005: "That way madness lies"
While on tour with his band, Glass Eye, bassist Brian Beattie (the only
member of the group not featured in the Slacker) walked into an
Arkansas men's room and made one of the greatest artistic and
anthropological discoveries of the last century. There, on the wall of
one of stalls, Brian came face-to-face with a drawing of what appeared to
be an armless, one-legged dinosaur with both eyes on one side of its head
and possessing both female and male "characteristics." Written alongside
the drawing, in a child-like scrawl, was the phrase "IM Love To be SUCK
All The Time."
Brian would later describe the work as "either the most brilliant or
retarded thing that I've ever seen: I'm still not sure which." Fortunately
for all of us, Brian had the foresight to photograph his discovery.
Before I lurch into the main point of this essay, I'd just like to point ou
t that a drawing like this could've only appeared on a men's room
wall. I'm not sure if that should make me proud or ashamed of my gender.
Walk into almost any men's room and you're bound to encounter a plethora of
drawings depicting the human reproductive organs: most of them incredibly
poorly drawn. My college roommate and friend, "The Fish", once stared at a
drawing of what he had at first assumed to be a Zulu shield for nearly
twenty minutes before he realized that what he was if fact gazing upon was
a crude representation of the female genitalia.
An inaccurately rendered "giggi" is one thing; but how are we, gentle
reader, to explain the numerous poorly depicted penises which dot the walls
of our nation's men's rooms? After all, doesn't the artist have easy access
to a "working model" of his subject? The only way to reverse this trend is
for each of you to stop by your nearest Staples and pick up some
adhesive labels. On to these labels, print the following:
Although considered shocking at the time of its original placement on
this wall in 1942, this penis is now regarded to be an amusing anachronism
and may be viewed in its restored form at the Smithsonian Museum in
Washington, DC.
Keep a few of these labels in your wallet where they will, no doubt, come
in handy.
Getting back to "The Suck Monster" (as the work has become known), the
question before us is not, as with most modern works, "is it art?" but
"what makes it such a masterpiece?" The answer (trust me; I've thought
about this for years) is that The Suck Monster manages to stimulate
something in the most primitive part of our brains: a part of our brains
which could've never been reached through a conscience artistic
effort.
No "trained" artist working in a booth by the Food Court of your local
mall, while being perfectly capable of creating a picture of you, with an
enormous head and a small body, riding a skateboard and licking an ice
cream cone, could've produced The Suck Monster.
If you were able to track down the mad genius behind The Suck Monster and
get permissions from the Warden of the Federal correctional facility where
he is doubtlessly confined for the murders of his family and the judge who
refused to entertain his insanity plea for him to attend art classes; you
would kill the goose that laid the golden doodle. An accurate knowledge of
perspective and anatomy would make it impossible for him to create future
Suck Monsters: As would an aggressive program of psychotherapy.
And it's not just art which is ruined by knowledge, discipline, and a
healthy respect for mental hygiene. The music critic "Legs" McNeil once
said that Punk Rock died when the punks learned to play their instruments.
Many of you have written me to say that this web site stated to suck the
day I learned about a little thing called a "semicolon." Others have taken
exception to this theory; they claim that this web site has always
sucked.
Allow me to pose the following question: Who were the better fighting
force; the Roman Legions or the Germanic barbarians whom they fought? The
answer, from a strictly military perspective, is of course the Roman
Legions. The Roman army was practiced, disciplined, and very, very boring
to watch in combat as they slowly and orderly advance across the
battlefield.
Now, of the Romans or the Germans combatants who were the better "artists"?
That honor, naturally, belongs to the Germans who ran whooping towards the
neat rows of Romans, and fought for personal glory rather than for a
soldier's meager salary.
Chaotic and ineffective? Maybe. But maybe this tactic of not drilling and
marching ones troops, while costing the plucky Germans victories, left the
surviving Rhine-drinkers more time for other more productive (or
reproductive, to be more exact) activities. Keep in mind that it is the
descendent of these crazed Krauts, and not of a Roman Centurion,
who's writing this.
_ . _
Aren't the supporters of the war with Iraq being disrespectful to all of
those Americans, like Ronald Reagan and Donald Rumsfeld who worked so hard
to put Saddam Hussein in power and to keep him in power?
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _ 
Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website
Today's Question
Why using of gold and silver dishes, forks, spoons and knifes is haram?
Answer: According to Islamic Sharia, eating and drinking liquid in
gold and silver dishes is forbidden. It is not so important to know the
reason or know not.
[Gotta love an religious leader who tells you not to worry about the
reasoning behind a rule - Ayatollah Anonymous]
_ . _
_ . _
She was an organ grinding l'il sex monkey in Judo Seduction, In
Search of Wetness, Confessions of Naughty Students and
Lesbian Neighbours
She dressed like an organ-grinder's monkey in Sex in the City
Happy birthday to ...
Lucy Gresty who turns 32 today.
And Sarah Jessica Parker who hits the big 4-oh.
euqu - straight toward
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
moneo - I warn
