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03/18/2005: "Can I call you "Tip Toenail"?"
We'll get to wrapping up The Most Annoying Women in America Week in a
little bit. First, I'd like to talk to you about what I saw on TV at
3:00am this morning.
If I wake up in the middle of the night, I, mostly, just roll over and
go back to sleep. Every now-and-then, I awake with the knowledge that
I'm going to be up for a while; so, I look for something to watch on TV.
Must bloggers would lie to you about this. They'd either say that they'd
open up their Bibles or their copies of A People's History of the
United States. Trust me; everybody, even the Amish, turns on
the TV when they awake in the pre-dawn hours.
The hours between 2 and 5 am EST are, by far, the best for watching TV.
First of all, you seldom have to deal with a breaking news story
interrupting the program you're watching. Seriously, most news happens
between 7 am and 10:30 pm EST. This because that's when it's most
convenient for news to happen - since most Americans are awake - and,
therefore, watching TV - during this time. Without being conscience of it,
the people of the world have begun to adjust their news making activates
to fit this timeframe. That's why terrorists blow shit up at 1 am FTT
(Fucktarded Terrorist Time): they know, subconsciously, that it's 8 am
in New York. Famous people have even begun to die according to when they'll
get the best news coverage. When the Pope dies, he will do so at 8:30 am
EST: thus providing Howard Stern with something to talk about for three
hours.
Ubi eram? Ita vero, parked in front of the TV at 3 am.
Hmmm…Discovery Health Channel: The World's Biggest Face-Eating
Tumor…no. The Learning Channel: While You Were Out, We Pissed On
Your Sofa…no. The Biography Channel: Rampage Killers - JACKPOT!
Actually, it was a bonus jackpot because one of the featured rampage
killers was Kip Kinkel.
Now, the name Kip Kinkel has always brought a smile to Vienna's face. No,
not because he killed four people and wounded twenty-two, but because his
name reminds her of an old SCTV skit wherein Brooke Shields (portrayed by
Catherine O'Hara in one of the most evil/funny hatchet jobs ever to grace
the small screen) asks Tip O'Neil (played by the late John Candy) if she
can call him "Tip Toenail." Rent the DVD; you'll piss yourself laughing
when Brooke/ Catherine launches into Whip it.
Sadly, Kip Kinkel's real story is nothing to laugh about. Kip's parents
and his school ignored his psychological problems (Kip was once reprimanded
for standing up in class and shouting "Goddamn these voices in my head").
Despite obvious signs of instability (Kip once gave a talk on "how to make
a bomb" in speech class which included visual aids - drawings of explosives
attached to a clock), Kip's dad, Bill, didn't hesitate when purchasing Kip
a Ruger .22 semiautomatic rifle. Kip would later kill both of his parents
and shoot up his High School. Despite having a history of "hearing voices",
Kip was given a sentence of 111 years without a chance for parole.
In the middle of the Kip Kinkel segment, I witnessed what had to be the
most disturbing ad that I've ever seen (and I'm one of the "lucky" few who
got to catch the Santo Gold commercial back in the 80's). The ad beings
with an average guy sitting on his recliner and channel surfing. Suddenly
he becomes flummoxed and begins to repeated press his remote. He calls his
young daughter into the room; "Why can't I get Channel 99?" he asks the
child. "Because," the wee tyke replies, "Mom has blocked that channel."
"Oh," the chair-bound halfwit says, "How do I unblock it?"
"You'll have to get the password from Mom."
"Honey," the poor slob hollers, "Can I have the password to unlock
Channel 99?"
"No," his wife shouts from off camera.
OK; stop right there!
At this point, Channel 99 = X, the unknown. Let's assign it the value that
the people who created this hunk of propaganda think that we've already
assigned it in our heads: "The Naked Cheerleader Network". Now let's replay
the scenario:
Rewind.
The guy calls his adorable nine-year-old daughter into the room and asks,
"Why can't I get The Naked Cheerleader Network"? I really need to stroke my
iguana, if you catch my drift?
"Mom blocked that channel after she discovered you hiding in my closet."
"How do I unblock it? If my balls get any bluer, I'm gonna hump the remote."
"You'll have to get the password from Mom; but that's unlikely since you
seem to be the sort of rat bastard who watches porn with his daughter in
the room. Face it Daddy; you are one sick fuck."
"Honey, can I have the password to unlock The Naked Cheerleader Network,
you frigid bitch?"
"Hold on; I'm on the phone with Child Protective Services."
That's way too disturbing; so let's change the value of X to something
innocuous like PBS.
Rewind.
"Why can't I get PBS? Nova is one in two minutes for the love of
fuck."
"Mom blocked that channel because Bill O'Reilly says it causes sin."
"The fuck you say. How do I unblock it?"
"You'll have to get the password from Mom. Please don't, Daddy. Mr.
O'Reilly says that every time you watch Public Television the baby Jesus
cries."
OK. No matter how you slice it; the truly disturbing thing about
this ad, brought to us by the good folks at controlyourtv.org, is that
one adult (Mom) is telling another adult (Dad) what he can watch on
TV. Imagine an ad in which I husband blocks out The Lifetime Network
and refuses to give his wife the password. How many times do you think that
ad would air before someone got burned in effigy?
What we really have here is a case of the chickens coming home to roost -
and discovering that they can't watch The Spice Network. In other words,
for years NASCAR dads made a big stink about bringing morality back to
American society (for years before that, they simply made a big stink).
They voted for reactionary shits who promised to rid the airwaves of filth.
Well, now they're starting to get what they asked for; and they're not
happy. Their wives, spurred on by the Department of Anti-Sex, have blocked
Spike TV. The new head of the Federal Communications Commission, Kevin
Martin, is a favorite of Right Wing Christian groups who are hoping that
he'll extend his department's powers of censorship into the realm of cable
TV. Some night in the near future, Joe Six-Pack will turn on Cinemax hoping
to catch Topless Detectives IV and find a Little House on the
Prairie marathon.
You get what you ask for. Choke on it, you Promise Keeping fuckwads.
_ . _
Last week, I came across an Op-Ed piece in the Philly Inquirer that
lambasted bloggers. The author claimed that bloggers, thanks to their lack
of formal training, were hurting journalism. Personally, I think that
bloggers are analogous to volunteer firemen in a town where the regular
fire department has the nesting tendencies of ignoring other fires.
Translation: there would be no need for bloggers if the mainstream press
would just do there fucking job.
When I turn on the local news, I shouldn't be subjected to pieces that were
produced by the government. Shit Luther, for decades many members of
they mainstream press know that Strom Thurmond had an illegitimate, Black
daughter and ignored the story.
By the way, Strom Thurmond's illegitimate, Black daughter is one of The
Most Annoying Women in America.
Since going public following the death of her asshole father, Essie
Washington has been in the strange habit of defending the man raped (or, as
Essie likes to put it, "loved") her mother. Odder still is her defence of
Senator Shitbag's history of racist statements such as "Our niggers is
better off than most anybody's niggers, why, they got washing machines and
some of'um even got televisions. I can't understand why they complaining."
Ms. Washington contends that her father was not a racist. It's just
that the people whom he represented were; so he felt bound by duty to make
racist remarks.
Elsie Washington is a cooze who, by not coming forward sooner to expose her
father's hypocrisy, only helped to prolong the suffering of Blacks in
America. Hey, that not my opinion; but, since I feel bound by duty to
represent the opinions of my readership, it'll have to stand.
My wrap up of The Most Annoying Women in America Week wouldn't be complete
without a mad shout out to Concerned Women for America. CWfA are a
perfect example of what happens when you give things to Babbitts.
Give a Babbitt a computer and an HTML class and he'll use them create a
web site claiming that the Jews and Venusians worked together to blow up
the World Trade Center. Give a Babbitt a Physics textbook and two weeks
later he'll claim to have "scientific" proof of the existence of Noah's
Ark. If life hands a Babbitt lemons, he won't make lemonade - or even
Ajax with Lemon - he'll try to use the lemons as evidence that
Saddam had ties with al Qaeda.
Give some female Babbitts the vote and a greater voice in society and
they'll use that power to put people in office who promote the "Barefoot
and Pregnant" version of womanhood.
_ . _
Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website
Today's Question
Which part of strange man’s body is it allowed for a woman to look at? Is
it allowed to look at his breast? On the tv in the western countries its
very oft, that the men show their bodies till the belly ?
Answer:Looking of a woman at a stranger’s (ajnabi) body is forbidden, if
it is with lust and fear of falling in sin. It is not even permissible to
look without that (lust and fear) also as a measure of obligatory
precaution except for the parts of body which normally a man does not
cover i.e. head, hand and ankles which a woman can look at if it is without
lust and without fear of falling in sin..
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _
She wowed America in Bunny Luv... AKA Filthy Whore and
Blowjob Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 20
She, as far as I'm concerned, is Miss America For Life
Happy birthday to ...
Dayton Rains who turns 28 today.
And Vanessa Williams who turns 42.
ertw - creep, crawl
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
laudatis - you (plural) praise
