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03/17/2005: "Unfunny at any speed: Whoopi Goldberg"

guide (28k image)The Most Annoying Women in America Week continues…

At the risk of being perceived as both a racist and a sexist, I'd just
like to say: Whoopi Goldberg is the Black Hole of Comedy.

By that, I mean that any piece of humor, no matter how genuinely hilarious,
which gets sucked into her gravitational pull, is immediately stripped of
all comedic potential and rendered unfunny for eternity. Think of her as
the anti-Rodney Dangerfield. In fact, don't even bother to think; I'll
prove it to you with SCIENCE! Here is a picture that's brimming with comic
possibilities. Now, notice how the picture suddenly becomes bereft of all
once the element of Whoopi Goldberg (Scientific name: Standupus
Unfunnious) is introduced. Even if the phrase "Sleestak attack" were to
be somehow incorporated, the piece still fails to regain its full comic
equilibrium. If you repeat the experiment with another, randomly generated,
comedian; you'll find that the results are strikingly dissimilar.

Some people (easily distinguished by their pinwheel hats and adult diapers)
have, in the past, defended Whoopi's complete lack of "teh funny" by
insisting that she is not a comedian (agreed) but a "performer". While it's
an interesting argument; it really doesn't help Whoopi's case much; because
it forces us to focus on Ms. Goldberg's "performances" in the following
"films": Jumpin' Jack Flash, Burglar, Fatal Beauty,
Clara's Heart, Homer & Eddie, Soapdish, Made in
, Sister Act (1 & 2), Eddie (Sans Homer), How
to Clean Out Your Septic Tank Using Only a Drinking-Straw
, Rat
, and Racing Stripes.

The late, great Ed Wood's cinematic resume contained fewer turkeys. Not
only, based on the role call of terrible movies above, should this woman
never have been given the privilege of hosting the Oscars; she should've
never been allowed to get with 1,000 feet of the auditorium. That short
of shitty acting is contagious; and we, as a nation, must protect Salma

Here's another simple scientific experiment in which you, gentle reader,
can create a "performance" that is guaranteed to be funnier and "edgier"
than anything Whoopi has ever produced:

Materials needed:
One (1) pen or pencil
One (1) piece of paper
One (1) telephone book (local)
One (1) roll of quarters

Using the pen or pencil, copy the names and address of several complete
strangers from the telephone book unto the piece of paper. Proceed to the
nearest pay phone (in the days before "Caller ID" this step could be done
from your home phone), insert a quarter, and call the first person on the

Should that person answer, ask if they are, in fact, Mr., Mrs., or Ms.
So-and-so of such-and-such address. Regardless of their answer, ask them if
you can take a moment of their time to tell them how great Ajax with
is. The odds are pretty good that they'll inform you that they
don't have the time to speak with you. At this point, start explaining - as
emphatically as humanly possible - that you are not an employee of
the Ajax Corporation: That you are, simply, a regular Joe/Jill feels the
need to call people and spread the good news about Ajax with Lemon.
Inform the person on the other end of the line that you recently quit your
job in order to free up the time needed to spread the news about Ajax
with Lemon
. Be sure to mention that this sudden shift in "career" has
caused your spouse to leave you and Child Protective Services have been
by three time this month, but you don't care because you're not going to
stop until you can convince 100 people to try Ajax with Lemon - so
far, only 3 have agreed.

Scream if you must, but do not resort to threats or obscenities:
that's illeagal.

To be honest, I'd almost forgotten about Whoopi; until last week when The
Queen of Un-Comedy made a brief appearance on HBO's Real Time with Bill
. Why did Bill feel the need to suddenly seek out the "folksy
wisdom" of Whoopi Goldberg? I'm sure that it had nothing to do with
Whoopi's upcoming HBO Special (some sort of creepy 20th anniversary
"celebration" of Whoopi's first HBO Special).

Anyhoo, Whoopi launched into a rabid defense corporal punishment -
insisting that children, particularly black children, greatly
benefit from good, hard beatings throughout their formative years. Imagine
if David Duke said that (and he probably has). I really get pissed of when
people start blathering about what a good idea it is to beat their kids;
but I go completely apeshit when someone tries to turn an outmode form of
child rearing into a cultural issue.

No, I don't have any children (now that a certain lawsuit has been
settled); thank you. So what gives me the right to have an opinion about
how children should be raised? Two things, really. First, I'm not a
complete and total fuckup. I'm smart enough to know not to reproduce under
my current economic situation and given my total distain for anyone under
the age of 30. Whoopi, who, incidentally, became a grandmother before
she reached the age of 40
, seems to feel completely at ease telling
you how to raise your kids.

Secondly, I didn't star in or, for that matter, even see Burglar

_ . _

askas (22k image)Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Is taking pictures of a dead body allowed, Haram or Makruh?

Answer:There is no problem.

[Woo hoo! Let the corpse photography begin! - Ayatollah Anonymous]

_ . _

_ . _

_ . _

gonzale5 (19k image)

She was simply smashing in Hunchback of Nasty Dames and
Corn Hole Patrol

He was the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins

Happy birthday to ...

Roxanne Hall who turns 29 today.

And Billy Corgan who turns 38.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
pteron - wing

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

The Latin word of the day is:
volitamus - we fly

Oh Hell; why not...

whoop2 (39k image)

Replies: 10 Comments

on Thursday, March 17th, Greg said

Rodney, you were dead-on correct. I can't think of anything funny this woman has said. And btw, HOLY FUCK! Is that thing about PETA true? If so, I have a vegan friend/PETA defender and I'd like to toss this in her face.

on Thursday, March 17th, Raoul said

Aha! But you see, Rodney, that by incorporating Ms. Goldberg into the "Sleestack Attack", it has transcended comedy as we know it and has now entered the realm of "performance". See, it really does work. The expression on her face is to let you know that you're witnessing an important performance. Only then, can we LEARN, then THINK, then LAUGH. Alas, at ourselves as much as Ms. Whoopie, who is simply the vehicle of this life experience.

Eric Bogosian's fucking annoying the same way.

on Thursday, March 17th, Rodney said

Yes, it's true. If you don't believe me, you can email PeTA (whom I happen to agree with on subjuects like Rodeos Fur caots)

Bonus Phun from PeTA's "About" page (

Q:“Don’t animal rights activists commit ‘terrorist’ acts?”

A:The animal rights movement is nonviolent. One of the central beliefs shared by most animal rights activists is the belief that we should not harm any animal—human or otherwise. However, all large movements have factions that believe in the use of force.

on Thursday, March 17th, Greg said

Thanks for the clarification Rodney. What is PeTA's opinion of Whoopi Goldberg, bt the way? I smell conspiracy...

on Thursday, March 17th, Rodney said

PeTA is pissed off at Whoopi because of that scene in Clara's Heart where she bites the heads off of those baby ducks.

on Thursday, March 17th, Scott said

Just thought I would let you know that you can easily make any prank call from the comfort of your own home as long as you dial *67 before the number. This will work unless the person you are calling has incoming calls from blocked numbers disabled, if so you will only get a pre-recorded message stating that. Useless information? I think not.

on Friday, March 18th, Travis said

A PETA member once told a handicapped friend of ours with a helper animal, "I hope someday someone puts a harness on you and uses you like a slave." They have also been known to release dogs from their pens at dog shows, sometimes directly into traffic. A few of the more hardcore members don't believe in having pets at all.

And you didn't mention "Star Trek: The Next Generation", but I think it was good in SPITE of Whoopi, not because of.

on Friday, March 18th, Nigel Tailwind said

I knew someone who commissioned studies into the nature of activists. What he found was people who wind up supporting voiceless causes (animals for example) have usually been ostracized from every other group they supported. It was only when the found an entitiy who couldn't say "Get the hell away from me Swampy!" did they find a home.

on Friday, March 18th, Rodney said

"I hope someday someone puts a harness on you and uses you like a slave."

Somebody needs to stop visiting the Tomcat Theater.

on Friday, March 18th, Doc said

I have to agree with PETA about the guide-dogs.Why not use another lower-life form -Art Students.Ya can sorta train em;although it might take longer than a dog.And ya can use em for drug testing too instead of rabbits and kitties. Cruel? I think not!! When was the last time ya heard of an art student turning down free drugs...

divide2 (4k image)

Ronald Reagan in Hell
The Paul Kircher Show
The Dead Milkmen

March 2005

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