03/17/2005: "Unfunny at any speed: Whoopi Goldberg"
The Most Annoying Women in America Week continues…
At the risk of being perceived as both a racist and a sexist, I'd just
like to say: Whoopi Goldberg is the Black Hole of Comedy.
By that, I mean that any piece of humor, no matter how genuinely hilarious,
which gets sucked into her gravitational pull, is immediately stripped of
all comedic potential and rendered unfunny for eternity. Think of her as
the anti-Rodney Dangerfield. In fact, don't even bother to think; I'll
prove it to you with SCIENCE! Here is a picture that's brimming with comic
possibilities. Now, notice how the picture suddenly becomes bereft of all
humor once the element of Whoopi Goldberg (Scientific name: Standupus
Unfunnious) is introduced. Even if the phrase "Sleestak attack" were to
be somehow incorporated, the piece still fails to regain its full comic
equilibrium. If you repeat the experiment with another, randomly generated,
comedian; you'll find that the results are strikingly dissimilar.
Some people (easily distinguished by their pinwheel hats and adult diapers)
have, in the past, defended Whoopi's complete lack of "teh funny" by
insisting that she is not a comedian (agreed) but a "performer". While it's
an interesting argument; it really doesn't help Whoopi's case much; because
it forces us to focus on Ms. Goldberg's "performances" in the following
"films": Jumpin' Jack Flash, Burglar, Fatal Beauty,
Clara's Heart, Homer & Eddie, Soapdish, Made in
America, Sister Act (1 & 2), Eddie (Sans Homer), How
to Clean Out Your Septic Tank Using Only a Drinking-Straw, Rat
Race, and Racing Stripes.
The late, great Ed Wood's cinematic resume contained fewer turkeys. Not
only, based on the role call of terrible movies above, should this woman
never have been given the privilege of hosting the Oscars; she should've
never been allowed to get with 1,000 feet of the auditorium. That short
of shitty acting is contagious; and we, as a nation, must protect Salma
Here's another simple scientific experiment in which you, gentle reader,
can create a "performance" that is guaranteed to be funnier and "edgier"
than anything Whoopi has ever produced:
One (1) pen or pencil
One (1) piece of paper
One (1) telephone book (local)
One (1) roll of quarters
Using the pen or pencil, copy the names and address of several complete
strangers from the telephone book unto the piece of paper. Proceed to the
nearest pay phone (in the days before "Caller ID" this step could be done
from your home phone), insert a quarter, and call the first person on the
Should that person answer, ask if they are, in fact, Mr., Mrs., or Ms.
So-and-so of such-and-such address. Regardless of their answer, ask them if
you can take a moment of their time to tell them how great Ajax with
Lemon is. The odds are pretty good that they'll inform you that they
don't have the time to speak with you. At this point, start explaining - as
emphatically as humanly possible - that you are not an employee of
the Ajax Corporation: That you are, simply, a regular Joe/Jill feels the
need to call people and spread the good news about Ajax with Lemon.
Inform the person on the other end of the line that you recently quit your
job in order to free up the time needed to spread the news about Ajax
with Lemon. Be sure to mention that this sudden shift in "career" has
caused your spouse to leave you and Child Protective Services have been
by three time this month, but you don't care because you're not going to
stop until you can convince 100 people to try Ajax with Lemon - so
far, only 3 have agreed.
Scream if you must, but do not resort to threats or obscenities:
To be honest, I'd almost forgotten about Whoopi; until last week when The
Queen of Un-Comedy made a brief appearance on HBO's Real Time with Bill
Maher. Why did Bill feel the need to suddenly seek out the "folksy
wisdom" of Whoopi Goldberg? I'm sure that it had nothing to do with
Whoopi's upcoming HBO Special (some sort of creepy 20th anniversary
"celebration" of Whoopi's first HBO Special).
Anyhoo, Whoopi launched into a rabid defense corporal punishment -
insisting that children, particularly black children, greatly
benefit from good, hard beatings throughout their formative years. Imagine
if David Duke said that (and he probably has). I really get pissed of when
people start blathering about what a good idea it is to beat their kids;
but I go completely apeshit when someone tries to turn an outmode form of
child rearing into a cultural issue.
No, I don't have any children (now that a certain lawsuit has been
settled); thank you. So what gives me the right to have an opinion about
how children should be raised? Two things, really. First, I'm not a
complete and total fuckup. I'm smart enough to know not to reproduce under
my current economic situation and given my total distain for anyone under
the age of 30. Whoopi, who, incidentally, became a grandmother before
she reached the age of 40, seems to feel completely at ease telling
you how to raise your kids.
Secondly, I didn't star in or, for that matter, even see Burglar
_ . _
Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website
Is taking pictures of a dead body allowed, Haram or Makruh?
Answer:There is no problem.
[Woo hoo! Let the corpse photography begin! - Ayatollah Anonymous]
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _
She was simply smashing in Hunchback of Nasty Dames and
Corn Hole Patrol
He was the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins
Happy birthday to ...
Roxanne Hall who turns 29 today.
And Billy Corgan who turns 38.
pteron - wing
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
volitamus - we fly
Oh Hell; why not...