[Previous entry: "It Takes a Village to Raise a Village Idiot."] [Next entry: "Unfunny at any speed: Whoopi Goldberg"]
03/15/2005: "Lamott, you big dummy"
The Most Annoying Women in America Week continues.
Back in the late 80's, a friend of mine's younger brother, Tim, was denied
admission into the US Air Force when a recruiter discovered that Tim had
once been arrested for slapping his mother. Undaunted, Tim walked
half-a-black down the street to the Navy's recruiting office. "Hello,"
said Tim, as he shook the Navy recruiter's hand, "I was just turned down
by the Air Force because I slapped my mother."
"No problem," said the recruiter, "you've gotta slap your mother at
least once to get into the Navy."
Someday, Anne Lamott's son, Sam, will join the Navy.
Many of you are unfamiliar with Anne Lamott's writings. Many of you have
never been kicked in the balls. I've experience both; so please believe
me when I tell you that a good shot to the jimmies, no matter how
debilitating painful, is preferable to pouring over Anne's musings. That's
why I've been reluctant to write about Ms. Lamott. In order to familiarize
you with the horrible prose that leaps from Anne Lamott's keyboard, I was
forced to re-visit many of her past columns and trudge my way through the
literary swamp of exerts from her books. Remember, gentle reader, I did it
for you.
Let's start with the basics: Anne Lamott is a smelly, old hippy chick who
churns out touchy-feely books about spiritually for smelly, old hippies,
and barfs up occasional columns for …wait for it…salon.com
As RATYHTL documents on regular basis, salon.com has committed many
unpardonable sins over the last few years. Of course there was the
Nader-bashing, but there were also the poorly researched critical pieces
(One, about the influences behind George Lucas' Star Wars crapfest,
failed to mention that Star Wars was a remake of The Hidden
Fortress. Another, alleging Racism in the works of H.P. Lovecraft,
failed to mention the writer's marriage to a Jewish woman), and unabashed
love letters to John Kerry masquerading as journalism.
Here's an exert form one of Anne's salon.com pieces in which she recounts
meeting Ted Kennedy for the first time. Please keep in mind that she's
getting paid to produce this shit:
It's a great time to be alive. I was back in the saddle. And I did the
only thing I could think of: I threw myself at Teddy Kennedy. He was seated
a few people away, and I walked over, my mind spinning with opening lines,
and without meaning to, I ended up kneeling before him, as if I was about
to propose. This surprised him, for a moment. I took his hand, like a
supplicant in "The Godfather," and said, "My family has loved your family
for 45 years, and I want to thank you for how you have spent your life."
Yes, Senator Kennedy, thank you for how you have spent your life - a tragic
drunk who lacks the spine to stand up for his convictions. Sweet Jesus on
an open-faced bun, after reading this piece I was haunted by the mental
image of Ted Kennedy staggering back to his limo and screaming at the
Secret Service agents assigned to keep him and Sirhan Sirhan's younger
brother from bumping into each other, "How many times have I told you to
keep smelly, old hippy chicks away from me? Did you get a whiff of that
tree-hugging scarecrow?"
Like many smelly, old, Kennedy-worshipping hippy chicks, Anne found God a
few years back and has been writing about Him, apparently without His
permission, ever since. Another being who Anne writes, unceasingly, about
without their expressed consent is her son, Sam. Anne has, economically,
combined writing about them both in her latest waste of paper
Plan B. Yes, there's an exert ahead and, yes, it's going to hurt:
Pammy said something that I have clung to like the last heel of bread,
"Sam has a deep core of sweetness within him." She was right. He's deeply
compassionate, and fair, but he also loves knives, and air-soft guns, and
paintball guns, and Ninja blades, and violence. Maybe it was inconsistent
for us to watch "Touched by an Angel" together, right before we watched
"South Park." Maybe it confused him that we go to church on Sundays, and
then we watch "The Sopranos."
Or maybe Sam, despite Anne's best efforts to emasculate him, is a
male? Touched by a Goddamn Angel , fer fucksake? No wonder
the kid is into guns and knives. Just imagine the psychological damage
that could be caused to a child by being forced to watch Touched by an
Angel with an ex-gluehead turned Jeebus Phreak. Shit Luther, this
crazy, old bitch is lucky that Sam hasn't started collecting body parts.
_ . _
Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website
Today's Question
While taking bath, it’s said that one should not keep head under shower
for more than one minute, is it true?
Answer:It’s not in order.
[I would say that anything under one minute doesn't really constitute a
shower - Ayatollah Anonymous]
_ . _
_ . _
_ . _
She made a name for herself in Big Tit Teasers 5: European Natural
Titties and Pirate Fetish Machine: The Sexterminators
He is known by only his first name
Happy birthday to ...
Orsi Shine who turns 23 today.
And Fabio who turns 46.
exinoj - hedgehog
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
equitant - they ride
