[Previous entry: "I'm wearing my Horowitz"] [Next entry: "Jude Law"]

03/01/2005: "Unfunny at any speed: Billy Crystal"

I'll get to the OSCAR bashing in a moment. First I'd like to discuss
"Teh Worst Movie Evar." How often have you been sitting around
with a group of friends when someone brings up a movie like Glitter
and declares it "The Worst Movie Ever."

"No way," someone will immediately chime in, "I mean, sure Glitter
is a painful experience, but Going Ape! is hands-down The Worst
Movie Ever. Hey, Tony Danza and a monkey: can I get a witness?"

"Wrong. If you wanna see BAD; you have got to see Baby Geniuses."

It's probably easier to get people to agree on the best film ever made
(Try it; they'll either choose Citizen Kane or The Godfather
- unless you pose the question to a group of idiots picketing a Planned
Parenthood, in which case the answer will be Stroker Ace) than on
the worst: Until now. Ladies, gentlemen, and Ben Schumin; from this day
forward, whenever you're asked to name The Worst Movie Ever, you will
(without a moment's hesitation) cry out …

The House by the Cemetery

AKA The House Outside the Cemetery

AKA Zombie Hell House

AKA Quella villa accanto al cimitero


Before you email me to argue the dubious merits of some other appalling
flick, I ask (dare?) you to rent The House by the Cemetery. If you
manage to make it through this truly awful tale of a New York City family
(played by Italian - not Italian-American - actors) who relocate upstate
only to (gradually, despite clues that Stevie Wonder couldn't miss)
discover that there's a deranged killer living in their basement.

Some people will no doubt attempt to dismiss HbtC by claiming that it
doesn't deserve the title of The Worst Movie Ever because it's a
low-budget, foreign horror flick. "After all," they'll argue, "aren't
mega-budget Hollywood disasters like Battlefield Earth or The
Alamo more deserving of honor?"

Hey, just because HbtC was made on a shoe-string doesn't excuse either its
stupidity-propelled plot (the "hero" fails to notice that the tombstone in
his living room - yes, his living room! - is inscribed with the name of
the scientist whom he's been researching) or the decision to dub the voice
of the young son (named "Bob Boyle", who gets to deliver the immortal line
"Ann? Mommy says you're not dead. Is that true?") with the voice of an
actor attempting (in the most unconvincing manner imaginable) to sound
like a child.


Phun Phact via the Internet Movie Database: "One of the early VHS issues
of House By the Cemetery in America got several of the film's reels
out of order, further confusing the already erratic story."

OK, now that we can all agree on "Teh Worst Movie Evar.", we can
talk about the Oscars … which I watched about a total ten minutes of.

Shit Luther, I would've watched even less of the Oscars had they once again
been hosted the painfully schmaltzy / testicular cancer causing Billy
Crystal. I can only hope that Billy's ouster as host is the beginning of a
much deserved career slide that culminates in a destitute Crystal being
forced to appear at children's birthday parties, receiving, as compensation
for a 12 hour work-day, whatever loose change and bits of food he can dig
out from beneath the sofa cushions.

This year's Oscars were, of course, hosted by Chris Rock - because he's
"edgy". OK, you and I might never describe Chris Rock as "edgy" but,
by the standards of Hollywood - wherein a rim-lapper like Billy Crystal is
deemed to be next Lenny Bruce - he's edgier than the late, great G.G. Allin
hosting a puppet show in the Burn Ward of a children's hospital. A truly
"edgy" host would've opened with something like this: "Good evening members
of the Academy. It's an honor to be hosting and I'd just like to say…TOM
CRUISE IS GAY. SCIENTOLOGY IS BULLSHIT. ACID IS GROOVY - KILL THE PIGS!
MILLION DOLLAR BABY IS HIGHLY OVERRATED!"

Speaking of Million Dollar Baby, why does everybody have to pretend
that Hillary Swank is attractive? Sure, we all feel sorry for her because
she wasn't nominated for her portrayal of Seabiscuit, but that's no
reason that society must collectively pretend that she's pretty. People,
the reason why she wore that backless gown was to draw attention away from
her face. There, I said it.

And while we're on the subject of the overrated, let's talk about Jamie
Foxx who stole the Oscar which rightfully belonged to Don Cheadle. Foxx is
a mediocre, at best, actor and I can't wait until The Curse of Oscar
claims him as another victim.

What? You've never heard of The Curse of Oscar. Some historians trace The
Curse of Oscar back to 1990 (The first year that Billy Crystal as tapped to
host the show and to empty out the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion's septic tanks
with the aid of a drinking straw ), when the award for Best Actor went to
Daniel Day-Lewis. Next stop for the hyphenated Mick? The woefully boring
Last of the Mohicans.

Jeremy Irons, who picked up the golden statue for Best Actor in 1991 would
go on to appear in such celluloid atrocities as Dungeons & Dragons
and The Time Machine.

1999's Best Actor "winner" Roberto Benigni (suspected of providing Bob's
voice in HbtC) ended up in Pinocchio (AKA Roberto Benigni's
Pinocchio . AKA A Steaming Pile of Shit

"Enigmatic" actor Kevin Spacey would get his Oscar the next year. Followed
by starring rolls in Pay It Forward and KPAX.

Remember 2002's winner Adrien Brody? He's latest project is a re-make of
King Kong.

So what's does the future hold for Jamie Foxx? Well, and I'm NOT making
this up, next year he'll be coming to the big screen (or, more likely,
directly to video) as Detective Ricardo Tubbs in film version of Miami
Vice. The Curse strikes again.

_ . _

She's the star of Royal Ass Force and D-Cup Discipline
He's was Opie Taylor and Ritchie Cunningham

Happy birthday to ...

Tiffany Walker who turns 29 today.

And Ron Howard who turns 51.

Replies: 23 Comments

on Tuesday, March 1st, SirAtededge@nyc.rr.com said

Killer Bunnies is hands down the worst movie ever made. They couldn't decide whether they wanted to rip off "The Russians Are Coming" or "Mad, Mad World" and ended up with a western. It was also one of Richard "Jaws" Kiel's first roles.

Does anyone remember when Jamie Foxx joined "Living Color" and you immediately knew the show was dead?

on Tuesday, March 1st, Rodney said

The House by the Cemetery makes Killer Bunnies look like Raging Bull. Trust me.

on Tuesday, March 1st, Nigel Tailwind said

The movie Snuff rates right up there as well. You know you're in trouble when they have a "Absolutly No Refunds!" sign in the box office window.

on Tuesday, March 1st, Scott said

I'm glad this Oscar and Ray bullshit hype is over (until they release the special edition Ray DVD). If I see one more god damn interview with Jamie Foxx sitting behind a piano I am going to...well, I'm not going to do anything but that shit is getting on my nerves.

on Tuesday, March 1st, the artist formerly known as E said

I don't think Fulci's House by the Cemetary is that bad, I actually like it. It's definitely not a great movie but it has it's moments. The part where the kid is trapped in the basement trying to get away from Dr. Freudstein when the kid's mother (or was it his father? I can't remember) was trying to get him out by using the axe to chop down the door and the axe kept barely missing the kid's head was pretty cool. And sure, the kid's voice was annoying but do you really think HbtC is worse than any given movie starring "The Rock"?

on Tuesday, March 1st, ebbv said

you'll note that most of the results of "curse of the oscar" are examples of the actors being allowed to do what they want. shitty projects getting over-funded/green-lighted because of the actor.

he's an academy award winner, if he loves it then it's a sure-fire hit!

then again, it's not like there aren't plenty of bad movies without A-list actors.

hell what do i know i didn't see anything that was nominated.

on Tuesday, March 1st, SlowMotionRiot said

...Seems like a lot of Lucio Fulci's career is hit-or-miss. But I still had to wake from my coma and pick myself up off the floor from a widening pool of my own drool and urine when you mentioned one of his films was teh worst movie evar. Shocking to my senses, Rodney. Absolutely shocking.

on Tuesday, March 1st, Jackalope said

I may not know much, but I DO know bad movies. While I've never seen "House by the Cemetary," I can assure you it is not the worst ever. That distinction must go to "Manos: The Hands of Fate." Filmed in El Paso using a camera that could only record 60-second increments without sound, it was the brain-child of a fertilizer salesman. Torgo, the film's Igor, is disturbing because he has unusally large knees. Scary! Legend has it that John Reynolds, aka Torgo, came up with an elaborate satyr costume, goat's feet and all, but the movie never showed his feet. Reynolds committed suicide within a year of the movie's completion. Here's a link for more fun facts:

http://www.oddculture.com/homepage/manos.html

on Tuesday, March 1st, crapmonkey said

usually all i like are bad horror movies....

on Tuesday, March 1st, billzebub said

How could it be worse than "Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things" or "Jeepers Creepers"? I'm gonna have to rent this bomb. For what it's worth, I consider "Brazil" to be the biggest waste of my time in all of filmdom.

on Wednesday, March 2nd, Rodney said

"Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things": bad? You go to Hell. You go to Hell and you DIE! CSPWDT is one of the best horror movies ever made. Writer/star Alan Ormsby is a genius.

on Wednesday, March 2nd, razlerja said

I don't know the name of it, but there is a movie where the head of Rosie Grear is grafted on to the body of a white-guy. I think that has to win worst evar. Regardless, 'Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things' is a masterpiece. The classic 'do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone' shot at the end is classic.

on Wednesday, March 2nd, Rodney said

The movie is "The Thing with Two Heads " and it co-stars Ray Milland. It's not to be confused with "The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant" (Starring Bruce Dern and Kasey Kasem)

on Wednesday, March 2nd, SirAtededge said

"Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" wasn't good, but because it is virtually identical to 500 other necromancy movies it can only be one of teh worst, not teh worst.

"Killer Bunnies", as it was marketted in the Block Buster "Bad Cinema" section, is on the IMDB as "Nasty Bunnies" and "Spies-A-Go-Go" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058392/

If you have the guts ....

on Wednesday, March 2nd, Doc said

Zombie Lake-worst movie ever!!

on Wednesday, March 2nd, Jimbob said

Wow...I must be somewhat sheltered...I thought "Powder" was teh worst movie evar.

on Wednesday, March 2nd, Notlenny said

"Gore-met, Zombie Chef From Hell" - beats em all
http://imdb.com/title/tt0144223/

on Wednesday, March 2nd, the artist formerly known as E said

Yeah, I think that Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things is great (poor Orville), but it's quality is not that far off from House by the Cemetary.... now Zombie Lake, that is quite possibly the worst movie ever. Ya know what is a good movie? -Tombs of the Blind Dead.

on Thursday, March 3rd, Andrew said

House by the Cemetery is bad… Zombie Lake is worse. I had to watch most of Zombie Lake in fast forward. I couldn’t take it.

But if you want to talk about bad movies, and by bad I mean AMAZING, you must find a copy of Black Devil Doll From Hell. Shot on video, soundtrack by a casio, most ridiculous sex/rape scene ever. Seriously find this and watch it. We laughed so hard we couldn’t breath, our sides hurt, tears were running down our faces.

on Thursday, March 3rd, Pistaugh said

I would just like to add my contribution to a VERY worthy topic, Horrifically BAD Cinema:

Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0179471/

on Thursday, March 3rd, Pistaugh said

A better look:

http://www.stomptokyo.com/movies/s/sometimes-aunt-martha.html

on Sunday, March 6th, Casinos said

This is the best site on the internet for all you gambling needs. We offer you the best games, the fastest software, and the biggest prizes anywhere! We will teach you all about the online gaming industry, the most influential figures and how to find the best online Casinos anywhere

on Monday, March 7th, TEP said

I must add a few serious contenders here-

Things(1989)
Night Of Horror(1978)
The Beast of Yucca Flats(1961)
The Brain Leeches(1977)
Malibu High(1979)