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02/17/2005: "Choosey Mothers"

Before we get to Blair / Lisa Whelchel's February E-Letter, there are two
things that I'd like to briefly touch on.

First, did any of you catch Hardball last night? If you didn't, you
missed a debate between McLaughlin Group paperweight Tony Blankley
and (I shit thee not) Democracy Now's Amy Goodman. The debate
itself wasn't that interesting. What was strange was that MSNBC broke the
accepted mold of having a Right Winger debate a moderate Democrat by
having a drooling Reactionary debate an actual Progressive.

I'd give Chris Mathews a bucket of praise if he hadn't proved himself to
be completely insane by, later in the show, proclaiming both
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and The Sixth Sense to be "The best movie I
ever saw."

Michelle Malkin has, of course, been on Hardball. Remember when she
suggested that John Kerry shot himself in the ass? Anyhoo, the second thing
I to touch in is that in yesterday's Thoughtless I forgot to mention
why Malkin had posted all of this derogatory remarks that the
students of Emory College had posted about her (my favorite being "Some
people just need editors...or a smack in the head with a pillow case full
of weasel shit."). Well, it seems that the frothing Filipino was trying to
make a point about Liberal intolerance. I wonder if she's ever checked out
what Right Wingers have to say about the like of Al Frankin and Michael
Moore? Is someone suggesting that Malkin "get tossed in a camp and get to
live out her 'Comfort Woman' fantasy" any worse than Anne Coulter calling
Liberals traitors?

That said, it's Monthly Whacko Child Star E-Letter time! Remember; keep
your hands inside the web site at all times.

February 2005 E-Letter

Yeah, it's here! The Busy Mom's Guide to Prayer is now a reality. For
those of you who regularly read my journal entries you may remember me
telling you about the Prayer journal system I designed for myself last
summer. Well, it really struck a chord with moms. Apparently I'm not
the only mom who feels guilty about her prayer life, or lack thereof.

It' here! It's here; it's here; it's here! Did you hear that, fuckers?
It's here! The Busy Mom's Guide to Prayer is now a reality and no
longer just the dream of a madwoman. People, my mother will be the first
to admit that she did an incredibly shitty job of raising me, but I'm sure
that she'd agree that she would've only screwed up my formative years even
more by wasting a large chunk of her day praying.

Odd, isn't it, that Blair feels guilty about her lack of prayer life but
not about putting hot sauce on her children's tongues?

Howard Publishing found out about my prayer journal and asked if they could
make it into a book for all of the other busy moms who were looking for
some help with their prayer life. When they asked me to write a brief
explanation of the book, I wrote the following little description.

1 Busy Mom
10 Minutes a Day
20 Days a Month
120 Power-full Prayers
An Infinity of Blessings

1 Bucket Feces (Preferably Bull)

Do you feel guilty about not spending more time in prayer? Do you have
the best intentions to intercede for your family, friends and the world,
yet when it comes to spiritual warfare you feel more like a POW or MIA
than a prayer warrior? If you are like most busy moms, the reality is
you barely have enough time and energy to offer up a few broad stroke
prayers in the morning, a handful of crisis "popcorn petitions" throughout
the day, and a final exhausted plea when you collapse into bed.

Hmmm…no. If I feel the need to intercede for my family, friends or the
world then I either speak up or do something. I don't ask so invisible
being to do it for me. Unless you want to count Dionysus - and I try not
to bother him too much because he's got a lot of important drinking and
whore mongering to do.

As a busy wife and mother of three children I know exactly how you feel.
That is why I created this guided prayer journal. All you need to do is
find ten minutes a day and you can pray through each of the six categories,
Praise, Self, Husband, Children, Personal Influences and Reaching Beyond.
In one month you will have thoroughly prayed through each of these areas
of concern by bringing nearly one hundred twenty matters before your
heavenly Father.

I'm no theologian, even though I've played one on TV, but I don't think
that prayer should be treated like an obligatory 10 minute work out. I know
plenty of earnest Christians who pray for frivolous things like world peace
and an end to hunger without having to schedule their kneeling time on
their Palm Sunday Pilots

I received my first copy of the book in the mail a few weeks ago and I've
been praying through it faithfully ever since. I must confess - I love it!
It feels so good to know I have prayed for my husband's health, my
children's future spouses, my President, my diet and my pastor. I don't
feel like such a prayer wimp anymore.

Pressure…dropping…must…reach…utility…belt… "My children's future
spouses"? That's just weird. And so is "my diet and my pastor". Unless,
of course, you've been following the proud South Seas tradition of eating
missionaries. Isn't it sinister to swallow a minister?

I'm also very excited about the fact that Howard Publishing has chosen this
book to be a part of their amazing "Motherhood Club" collection. The
Motherhood Club is a place for moms to go for resources, support, advice
and encouragement for this wonderfully challenging privilege called motherhood.

Girl: Black Rebel Motherhood Club? What're you rebelling against,
Johnny?

Johnny: Whaddya got?

You really must visit their website at www.motherhoodclub.com. You will
find "Dr. Mom" available to answer your questions. There are also great
articles to read. I found a very helpful (and timely) article on sibling
rivalry. You will also "meet" my new friends Chrys and Philis who have
lots of great wisdom and encouragement to offer. I think they even have
plans to add a bulletin board for moms to share and exchange ideas.

Here's a fine example of how adding extra quotation marks can create
instant comedy: You will also "meet" my "new" "friends" "Chrys" and
"Philis" who have lots of "great" "wisdom" and "encouragement" to offer.

If any of you plan on visiting www.motherhoodclub.com I strongly suggest
that you prepare yourself to be disappointed first. It's not the hotbed of
insanity that you were hoping for…at least not yet. Also, there seems to
be no way of contacting Dr. Mom to ask how you can be even more subservient
to your husband (there is, however, this nifty disclaimer)

The awesome collection of book titles is another wonderful aspect of The
Motherhood Club. What's so ingenious is the idea of putting any kind of
book that a mom may need, be it devotional, organizational, inspiring or
educational all in place. So, if you're a mom and looking for help then
you know exactly where to go first - The Motherhood Club.

(And if you are specifically looking for help with your prayer life then
you can simply click http://www.lisawhelchel.com/shop1.html to find The
Busy Mom's Guide to Prayer. Remember, I'll be happy to autograph it for
you or a friend.)

Little Ralphie Parker said it best: "A crummy commercial? Son of a
bitch!"

I hope you have a very Happy Valentine's Day. May you receive lots of
hugs, kisses, Valentines and chocolate. But if this particular holiday
only accentuates your loneliness then let me encourage you with the
reminder that nothing can compare with the knowledge that you are loved
and adored by the very Creator Himself. (That even beats a box of Dark
Chocolate Nuts & Chews!)

So if you haven't been laid since Gerald Ford was in the White House,
take heart because the same God who hasn't been kind enough to steer some
hot monkey sex your way loves you very, very much.


_ . _

Replies: 10 Comments

on Thursday, February 17th, Nigel Tailwind said

My aunt gave me a book on psychologistics when I was in the sixth grade. It told how mantras can occupy the conscious mind, freeing the subconscious mind to bring thoughts to the forefront of the mind. Prayers, chanting, meditation, all the same mind trick. Grow up Blair. That's the facts of life. Praying for the future spouses? Puhleeze

on Thursday, February 17th, Samuel said

That chick freaks me out man. How do you become like this?

On another note, I watched that movie Saved last night...Blair is totally what Mandy Moore's character would have turned into.

Christians are sickening.

on Thursday, February 17th, Rodney said

No, it's just the crazy Christians who are sickening. I know many sane (except that they believe that an invisible being controlls the universe) Christians.

on Thursday, February 17th, Christine said

"Facts of Life Star Born Again -- As a Writer"???!!!

Now, that's sickening. Send me $5 US, and I'll send you a copy of the new history

on Thursday, February 17th, Christine said

Damn keyboard. I didn't hit submit. Anyway, I'll send you a copy of the new history of the Victoria Theatre written by ... me. It's pretty short, basically a booklet.

Oh yeah, add $4 postage and handling. So, 9$ US

on Thursday, February 17th, Jackalope said

So, Blair, you've introduced some interesting philosophical concepts with the whole praying for your children's "future spouses." Does that mean if one of your kids is gay, then you are praying for their gay partner as well? What if despite all your praying the "future spouse" comes down with leukemia and dies before your little offspring can find him? Does that mean your intercessions automatically shift to the "almost, but now definitely future spouse"? What if all that hot sauce makes your child a bitter, disillusioned manic depressive who cuts himself to relieve the turmoil? What if your child is either so homely or so whacked out that no one want your child for a spouse? Are you then praying for Drop Dead Fred?

Inquiring minds want to kown.

on Thursday, February 17th, SirAtededge said

Bunch of heretical mo-fo's. The will of God is eternal and y'alls prayin' fo shit is just beggin for the back of the the Lord's strongest of the strong pimp hand!

on Friday, February 18th, Don said

"Palm Sunday Pilot" - very funny. I also liked "...sinister to swallow a minister".

That's all I've got.

on Friday, February 18th, TSFROG said

Her books seems like the 8 minuite abs of theology.

Why think? Why Try? Facts of life Uberallies!

on Friday, February 18th, Grundy Sherwood said

Is it just me, or does it sound like when she's talking about her "prayer life" she's actually talking about her sex life? Try it. Go back and read her letter again and replace "prayer" with "sex" (or something sexual). It makes a helluva lot more sense that way.