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02/13/2005: "A beautiful day in the neighborhood"
OK, I've finally got a handle on how this whole "Axis of Evil" thing
works. Iraq (soon to be a satellite of Iran) had no nuclear weapons
(Both the State Department and the Atomic Energy Commission tried to tell
the Bush administration this), so we invaded them. Iraq might have
nuclear weapons (it's unlikely, but they do have the means to create
fissionable material …sort of - no evidence of any giant centrifuges have
been found), so they get a strong warning that we might take military
action against them. North Korea admits to having nuclear weapons
and we do nothing. Good plan. Nice work. Way to go, fucktards.
It's time for some perspective. Let's say that you have three neighbors
whom you hate. Maybe they leave their Christmas lights up all year long,
or have had a gutted Trans Am sitting in their front yard since Ford was
in office, or maybe one of your other neighbors tossed a brick through
your window, but you can't find him and you're worried about not being
elected Block Captain, so you want to focus everybody's attention
elsewhere. The point is that you hate these folks (whom we'll refer to
from here on as Houses A, B, and C) and you let everybody within earshot
know that you'd like to bulldoze their homes.
One day you invade House A and overthrow that family's dad, who happens
to be a major asshole, by the way (and who, after months of searching,
you find hiding in a hole in the basement). Your pretext for invade House
A is that they were building bombs and would sooner or later be chucking
those bombs in your direction. Sure, the cops have been to House A and
they couldn't find any bombs, but that's beside the point because 75% of
the people in the neighborhood believe that House A has not only
been manufacturing bombs, but also has ties with the guy who threw the
brink through your window.
The occupation of House A doesn't go as well as you thought it would.
Instead of being welcomed with flowers, mysterious bags of burning dogshit
begin to appear on your front porch. Meanwhile, Houses B and C (both
headed by total dicks), having witnessed your invasion of House A, start
stockpiling weapons and there's not a single damn thing that you can do
about it because you've maxed out your credit cards and spent your kids'
college funds occupying House A.
Oh, and that guy who tossed that brick through your window is still on the
loose.
Well, now that you can explain American foreign policy to your kids, let's
talk about Ted Nugent.
Many years ago, when the Milkmen were on tour, I hit upon something that
I like to call "The Bus Paradox". Basically, people would see our
tour bus and get really excited - until they found out it was us in the
bus. Usually, some kids would approach our bus driver and ask "Dude, who's
in the bus? Is it Slayer? It's Slayer isn't it. You can tell us if it's
Slayer, dude." When the bus driver would inform the kids that it was not
Slayer, but in fact the Dead Milkmen whose bus they'd encountered, the kids
would either respond with "Who?" or "Faggot-assed Punk Rock shit"
One of our bus drivers (perhaps a Slayer fan, himself) got tired of
watching excited little faces turn sour and violent, so he started telling
the kids what they wanted to hear - namely that somebody famous was on
the bus. For reason that I'm still unclear about, the famous person that
he chose was Ted Nugent.
This solved one problem (while some folks might not have been huge Ted
Nugent fans, at least none of 'em said "who?" or accused The Motor City
Madman of being a faggot.), but it created another, especially in the Mid
West - people began to ask for Ted Nugent's autograph. Now, the last thing
that either I or any of the other Milkmen ever wanted was second term for
Ronald Reagan. The next-to-last thing that we wanted was for people to
think that Ted Nugent was the sort of stuck-up rock star who couldn't be
bothered to sign an autograph, so we began to signing things as Ted Nugent.
Mid Western Hessian: Dude, who's on the bus? Is it Slayer?
Bus Driver: No, It's Ted Nugent.
Mid Western Hessian: Ahhh, dude! He's definitely not a faggot. Could I get
his autograph?
Bus Driver: No problem, I'll be right back.
The bus driver would then get in the bus, walk to the back and ask one of
us for a Ted Nugent autograph which we'd happily scribble down. A few
minutes later the bus driver would emerge from the bus and hand the kid
a napkin which read "Silence = Death. Act Up. Fight Aids.
- The Nuge" accompanied by a pink triangle drawn with a highlighter.
"Um…thanks," the confused kid would say after his third of fourth reading
of the napkin.
Ted Nugent…what an asshole.
I can say that because I'm pretty sure that Ted Nugent doesn't read this
site. And even if word of this does get back to The Nuge, do you really
think that Ted is going to take the time away from his current project
(making a loincloth out of a baby seal) to travel to Philly to kick my ass?
And I seriously doubt the Great White Hunter would sue me for two reasons.
The first is that I'm pretty sure that I can prove (beyond a reasonable
doubt) that Ted Nugent is an asshole. Need You Bad is still a great
song, though.
The second reason that Ted Nugent is unlikely to sue me is that Ted is an
anti-law kinda guy. You know the type. The sort of guy who sequesters
himself and his family on a two hundred acre ranch in Montana because he
thinks the UN is plotting to take his guns away, melt them down and use
them to cast a giant statue of Liberace.
I just don't get these guys. Why do they think that there's more freedom
in the middle of Idaho than there is in downtown Philly? Wait right here
and I'll prove it.
OK, I'm back. I just opened my window and shot a squirrel with one of my
crossbows (a dozen or so more and I'll have enough to make that loincloth.
Darryl Worley, by the way, could make due with field mouse and a rubber
band). My point is that I'm just as free to hunt as Ted Nugent is. In fact,
I'm even freer because I didn't even have to leave the comfort of my home.
Had I decided to off that squirrel with something with a little more
firepower, I'd only have to travel a block or two find someone willing to
sell me an Uzi. Shit Luther, not only can I buy a Glock, but I can buy a
Glock from a guy who's recently used it on another human being and can
thereby accurately evaluate its performance.
Now I ask you, who has more freedom to exercise their Second Amendment
rights, some old coot living in the wilds of South Dakota who has to buy
his rusty rifles from some ancient Neo-Nazi who's been preparing for "the
coming Race War" for the last fifty years by taking target practice on a
bunch of cardboard cutouts of Little Richard, or me?
It's not just gun and hunting nuts…er…freedom enthusiasts who flee to the
wilderness either. Religious loons are always setting up their "Jewless
Jerusalem" in some far flung corner of the North West. And this is a good
idea, why?
If I thought that the government was out to get me, the last place that I'd
want to relocate to is someplace where the government could get me
without creating much of a fuss. "Boy, I sure feel secure on my compound in
the middle of nowhere. Yeah, the one with no phones, or any other way to
signal the outside world. Hey, are those black helicopters?"
Now think about MOVE for a minute. They're every bit as fucked up as the
Branch Davidians were. They just chose to be fucked up in an urban
environment (MOVE is a "back-to-nature" movement whose idea of getting
back-to-nature consists of moving into a row home. WTPFMBV?). The ATF was
able to wipe David Koresh and his followers off the face of the Earth
without doing any damage to surrounding property. The last time that
Philly dealt with MOVE, we accidentally burnt half the city down. Today
we just let Ramona Africa and her crew go about their insane ways;
screaming "Free Mumia" at mailboxes and accusing stray dogs of being part
of a racist conspiracy. Trust me; it's a lot easier this way.
So, if the city has historically offered more freedom than its rural
counterpart (after all, where else could a man parade around in a tutu and
a pinwheel hat without a second glance), why have so many "Freeman" groups
sprung up in the wilderness? Precisely because there is little or no
freedom in those regions. What the fuck am I talking about? Please,
allow me to explain.
When some "rugged individualist" says "I'm a movin' to a compound in Oregon
where I can tell my wife to shut the fuck up and git in the kitchen and I
can slap the living shit outta my kids, like it commands me to do in the
Bible, without some nosey social worker interfering with my custodial
duties" what he's really saying is "I'd like to move to someplace where
I'm free and everybody else isn't. And nobody will let me git away wit'
that kinda stupid shit in the city."
Of course, none of this helps to explain why freedom hater Ronald Reagan
was recently honored with his own stamp, while freedom defender Arthur
Miller will have to wait at least ten years to get his. I'll have a lot
more to say about this as soon if I find out rather it's illegal or not
to deface a stamp. Since nobody else seems willing to update an old joke,
I guess I'll have to do it - Reagan on a stamp? Which side do you spit on?
Finally, as if thinks weren't bad enough with North Korea being more
heavily armed than Ted Nugent and Ronald Reagan's ugly puss gracing a
stamp, RATYHTL's Official Jeopardy Champ, Babu, lost in a squeaker in the
Ultimate Tournament of Champions on Friday. I guess that now I know how all
of those Iggles fans felt when the birds failed to do whatever it was they
were supposed to do in the Super Bowl. Only I didn't slap the shit outta my
wife when Babu lost.
Here's Babu's Bio from the Jeopardy site:
SETHURAMAN SRINIVASAN JR.
(But feel free to call me Babu, as if it's good enough for my mom, it's
good enough to you.)
Date of first appearance:
I taped them around Valentine's Day of 2001, and I think they aired the 2
nd week of May 2001. I don't remember the exact dates. Ironic, because I
teach history for a living.
Total Winnings:
o Original show: $75,100 + a Corvette
o Tournament of Champions 2001: $5,000
o Masters Tournament: $10,000
Do you have a nickname based on your Jeopardy! reputation?
Many people at work call me That Guy Who Was on Jeopardy. Seriously.
Is there something unique about your competition?
I was the leading money winner for the 2000-2001 season.
Favorite anecdote associated with being on the show?
I got an e-mail once from a mother of an autistic child somewhere in New
England . Seems the boy loved Jeopardy and after I was on kept asking when
Babu was coming back. Fortunately, the Jeopardy Corporation aims to please.
Did being on Jeopardy! have any affect on your life?
Since I took an oath of chastity and poverty to get a history degree, being
on Jeopardy solved one of those problems. Actually, you don't have to take
an oath of chastity to get a history degree. It just kind of works out that
way.
Did you do anything crazy with the winnings?
I bought a condo and remodeled it. I was going to put a wood floor in it,
but one of my contractors stole it. I replaced it with a very nice,
environmentally friendly bamboo, and this time I had it nailed down.
Is there anything else you would like viewers to know about you?
I was born in a log cabin my father built on Manhatten, a tiny island off
the coast of Newark . My father, a poor immigrant psychiatrist, later
blazed a trail across the savage continent to Texas , bringing with him a
savage wife, four savage kids, nine savage cats, and three mildly
aggressive dogs. There, after a brief childhood, I received an education
culminating in being granted a PhD in history. I then learned the true
meaning of history: there's no future in it. After that, I got on Jeopardy!
and there was much rejoicing.
Well, folks, we might not have Babu around for the rest of the Tournament
of Champions to cheer for, but that doesn't mean that we can't cheer
against Arthur Phillips, the man who robbed Babu of victory by $100.
Sure, it might not be the sporting thing to do, but these days you've gotta
take what you can get.
Pebbles. The star of Buttfaced 7 and
Chrissy the Campus Slut turns 26 today.
pattaloj - peg
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
reliquerunt - they left
