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02/08/2005: "Born on the Bayeux"

Until recently I was puzzled by the popularity of this web site. I'm not
sure who may be "The Father of the Blog", but I'm damn certain that I can
claim the crown of "Absentee-Father of the Blog." In other words, I
haven't always paid as much attention to this site as I probably should
have. Take The Book of the Month for example: It's usually about
20 days into the month before I get around to posting it. For all I know,
the Forum has turned into Neo Nazi recruiting center. Oh, and I haven't
added a new link in nearly 15 years. Given all that, is my wonderment at
why anyone would regularly visit this site really such a surprise?

And then it hit me. The reason that so many people read this piece of
crap is because they want to survive the coming Dark Ages. OK, I can sense
some of you shaking your heads; allow me to explain.

Starting in the earlier eighties, and spurred on by a series of
Reactionary leaders (name one Liberal policy put forward by the
Clinton administration - I fuckin' dare you!), this country been in a
steady decline. The illiteracy rate is shockingly high, ignorance of
science is rampant, and a plague has swept the land since…since about the
time that America began to decline … hmmmm… If that's not the set up for
a Dark Age, I'm hard pressed to think what else would be.

Now, your mouth might argue with me about this theory, but your brain -
along with the brains of your fellow Americans - has already switched
into survival mode. Many Americans are welcoming the new Era of Ignorance
with open arms. They've even brought back the Inquisition in the form of
banning Gay marriage.

A minority - and this would include you, gentle reader - are preparing for
the coronation of Jeb Bush by gathering together what scraps of Latin,
ancient Greek, and books that are worth saving, and planning to ride this
thing out even if it takes a generation or two.

Now that we know why we're all here, let's talk about tapestries.


Yesterday, Vienna and I had a friend over our house who doesn't own a DVD
player or a computer. I guess that I should add that this person is neither
old nor Amish. Anyhoo, I got to thinking that, with the coming Dark Ages,
our friend was about to be joined my millions of other Americans who will
posses no means of electronic entertainment. I began to wonder if there
might be some way to make a buck or two (or a chicken or a cow seeing how
we're only about five years away from returning to the barter system) off
of this situation. For some of us, it's not enough to simply survive the
coming Dark Ages; we'd like to make a profit. A healthy profit.

OK, let's say it's 1326 and you're looking for some entertainment. You
could wait 700 years for "talkies" to be invented. Not that patient? Well,
you could take in a play - if all of the "theatrical types" haven't
contracted the plague. Hell, even if you can find a living/breathing actor
(or a waiter), there's a good chance that plays have been banned in your
town. They were banned, here in Philly for nearly 100 years - and that was
during the Age of Enlightenment, fer da love of Hubbard! You could always
swing be the local monastery and see if the monks have copied any new
books. Of course your choices will be limited to the Bible and books about
the Bible. At this point, the plague is looking like a reasonable
alternative.

But wait! What's that hanging on the wall? Why it's the Bayeux Tapestry -
the Saving Private Ryan of the Middle Ages! That section where
King Harold takes an arrow in the eye is just like the end of
Scarface, dude!

So here's my idea: hire a bunch of Americans whose jobs have been
outsourced (trust me, there are plenty of 'em. Did you know that George
Bush is the first President since Herbert Hoover to have a job loss
during his term in office) to weave tapestries depicting popular movies
in the Medieval style (Since use of perspective in art didn't reemerge
until the Renaissance, it should be easy to train non-artists to draw the
figures). Here's a scene from the tapestry version of Full Metal
Jacket:



_ . _

Replies: 14 Comments

on Tuesday, February 8th, theblackmask said

I want a Pulp Fiction tapestry! That would be boss...or whatever.

on Tuesday, February 8th, crapmonkey said

people are getting dumber. i was out for greek with a friend on saturday...they were playing a tony bennett live dvd when the one of the two guys sitting behind us says "who is this, tony danza???" now i thought he was joking but he was completely serious. the guy next to him agrred that it must be tony danza. i dont even listen to or for that matter like tony bennett but at least i knew it wasnt tony danza.

on Tuesday, February 8th, Nigel Tailwind said

A Clockwork Orange tapestry for me.

"The Durango purred real horrowshow."

on Tuesday, February 8th, Jackalope said

Rodney issues a challenge, I respond. No conservative president would've overseen the passage of the Family Friendly Leave Act. Now when my kid has a cold, I don't have to cough when I call in sick or act like I almost died when I go to work the next day. While I don't know how FFLA plays out in the private sector, I know it has assisted me in providing relief to my family or at least giving me a reason to not fake coughing after I go to the beach. The sad part is that I can think of no other liberal issues espoused by Willy. Well, maybe the restriction of snowmobiles in national parks may count but Fuckhead Bush undid that within days of his first inauguration, so what was the point?

on Tuesday, February 8th, Nigel Tailwind said

WJC had a liberal take on his marriage vows.

on Tuesday, February 8th, Scott said

If you want to see how dumb people really are, work in a fast food place. I worked at Panera Bread (yuppy fast food joint - bakery/cafe). I'd say 3 out of 5 customers, which consisted of teachers (ones that taught at the high school I attended), doctors, and lawyers read the menu wrong. There was a combo meal called a "U Pick 2," you picked two of the following items - half of a sandwich, half of a soup, half of a salad - this was clearly stated on the menu. No one could order this fucker right. People would attempt to order all three, we got a bunch of these assholes everyday. These people are adults and talked down to me since I was a 19 year old working the register but hey, at least I can handle the complicated task of reading a menu and successfully ordering a fucking sandwich. Also, we had hot sandwiched called "Panini's" and at least once a week one mental midget would order a "Punani." Don't get me wrong, I would love to chill on my break and enjoy a delicious punani sandwich but they aren't offered at any fast food place I know of.

on Tuesday, February 8th, e. bell said

oh yeah, why wouldn't anybody want to be a cum dumpster.

on Tuesday, February 8th, Izzie said

I don't need stupid porn names stuck in my brain.

Fucking. Is that having sex because you're angry, and leaving your shit in the cum dumpster, I mean other person?

If you all want to think about angry sex, why don't all you angry dudes meet in the suburbs and play soggyassbiscut togeather. and then eat shit. filled confections.

why confuse your smart, righteous outrage with your hard dick.
If you do that too often, you'll start to rely on your precious angry thoughts to get dick up at all.
How do you think any one of these slobbering hateful focus on the family jerks gets a rise?

Also..

You all are not smarter than average if you think industrial porn is hot.

on Tuesday, February 8th, billzebub said

I'm already on the barter system...I've been trading T-shirts with companies that sell soup-up parts for cars, so in 3 years when the dollar bottoms out at .12 euros, I can have a badass mad-max mobile to tool around in. And Porn is the only thing that's gonna keep us proles in our place in the coming times. Industrial's not really hot...but goth girl's next door on the internet is.

on Wednesday, February 9th, Nigel Tailwind said

Iz

Some rant there pal. But anger and hard ons are probably the realm of rapists. We're just a bunch of jokers. Relax and dwell on the mantra that is Boo Liscious

on Wednesday, February 9th, crapmonkey said

not all of us have dicks....

on Wednesday, February 9th, Nigel Tailwind said

Thank godz for that!

on Wednesday, February 9th, razlerja said

I second that. My girlfriend has not dick and is generally not angry, but she likes to check out porn every now and then. Usually, we just end up cracking up.

on Wednesday, February 9th, Samuel said

My wife loves porn. While I was all PC punker in my young days and squandered all my chances at enjoying porn as a late teenager, she introduced me to it.

I should thank her for that.