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02/07/2005: "How 'bout them Iggles?"

Let's all just take a minute to thank Ares, the God of War, for hearing
our prayers and helping the New England Football Guys to defeat the
Philadelphia Iggles. Do you hear that, Terrell Owens? Our Gods are greater
than yours!

Sadly, it's not my job to dwell on happy things. No, my job is to point
out the many areas in which mankind have erred and offer suggestions on
how to correct these errors. Oh, and to wish Porn Stars a happy birthday.

Have you ever listened to Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me on NPR? If you
haven't, then all you need to know is that listeners call in and attempt
to match their wits against celebrity guest such as P.J. O'Rourke, Mo
Rocca, and Paula Poundstone. If you have heard the show, the odds are
pretty sure-as-shittin' good that you have a fist-sized hole in your
radio.

If you work for NPR, I'd like you to immediately go out and get the
following tattooed on the back of your hand: "NEVER ALLOW LISTENERS TO
CALL IN!" Over the years I've become convinced that the phones at NPR are
programmed to allow only the country's biggest idiots to call in. Wait,
Wait… Don't Tell Me's Guess The Newsmaker segment takes
Herculean strides toward proving this hypothesis.

Here's how the segment works: a listener calls in and is asked to guess
the name of someone who's appeared prominently in that week's headlines
after being supplied with a slew of clues so blatant that they pretty much
add up to supplying the answers. The listener then, either due to
nervousness or some sort of brain injury, completely fails to guess the
newsmaker. The whole thing goes down kinda like this:

Carl Kasell: There should be know beating-around-the-BUSH
when it comes to guessing who was inaugurated as President of the United
States this week.

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: Hmmmm…Gee, that's a toughy.
I…um…I like ham…

(Host) Peter Sagal: Carl, why not give [this total Fucktard]
another clue.

Carl Kasell: This newsmaker has been spending time in the White
House…IN THE OVAL OFFICE…for the last four years.

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: Oh, yeah. That would be…oh…oh…
Geez, I'm drawing a blank.

Since Carl and Peter hate to see a listener fall flat on their face,
they'll keep providing clues until the gastropod on the other end of the
phone line finally coughs up the correct answer.

Peter Sagal: Carl, please give [this goddamn waste of oxygen the
fucking answer in clue format].

Carl Kasell: His name sounds very much - VERY, VERY MUCH, like
George Bush. G…eo…rge Bu…ssssh

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: (Removes finger from nose). I'm
gonna take a guess…is it George Bush?

Peter Sagal: Hey, ya' got it! [Aiiiieeeee!!! Please dear God,
strike me deaf before the next call]

Alright, I know that you must be wondering why I listen to show if it's
so annoying. Two reasons, really. The first (and this might be a bit of a
long shot) is that I hold a secret hope that someday P.J. O'Rourke will
go apeshit and start screaming something along the line of "How can you
possibly not know this? I have houseplants that could answer these
questions. How, in the name of Christ, did you ever manage to dial
888-WAIT-WAIT?"

The other reason (again, another long shot) is that I'm hoping to hear
Paula Poundstone being forced to comment on the Michael Jackson trial. I've
always wondered if it was actually possible to hear someone squirm
uncomfortably over the radio.


_ . _

Replies: 13 Comments

on Monday, February 7th, briannirvana said

I think i would be mortified if my little girl became a porn star. My child will solve world hunger or discover a cure for cancer or become a poet like her father, though she may succeed where I have failed.

in other words, rodney, drop the porn star birthdays, it's disgusting and youre really not like that. is it funny yeah, the first time, the second time it is just sad. What would Jesus say? honestly?

on Monday, February 7th, briannirvana said

See what 5 days of sobriety brings.

on Monday, February 7th, billzebub said

I like the porn-star birthdays. It gives us new names to google on our days off. I like Car Talk, but seldon listen to Wait Wait...

on Monday, February 7th, razlerja said

I totally LOVE the pornstar BDs. Make it a regular feature. The names, of the actors/actresses and the movies never fail to entertain.

Brian, if she becomes a poet "like her dad" then her success in the adult industry is assured!

on Monday, February 7th, briannirvana said

I was just bringing attention to the PStars addition to Thoughtless.
the devils advocate is just one of my roles.
but i dont like it.
imo it dimishes the importance of the latin and greek word of the day.

on Monday, February 7th, briannirvana said

seriously, of all the things that you could add to the ending of a thoughtless,...

on Monday, February 7th, Jackalope said

Here's another vote for keeping the porn star birthdays. I listen to Wait, Wait regularly and Rodney is right, they must screen the calls and only accept calls where the ID says something like either "St. Smithen's Home For The Mentally Deranged" or "Republican National Committee." Pretty pointless if you ask me. It's not like they give out prizes that have a monetary value. If your local NPR caries it, "Wha D'Ya Know?" (www.notmuch.com) is much better and funnier.

on Monday, February 7th, razlerja said

You know, Jack, being Republican myself I have several Republican friends. Some of them, like you, never miss an oppertunity to pointlessly and without context bash the 'otherside' (teh most stupidest side evar!) This has caused me to utter such unlikely sentenses as: 'Do you REALLY believe that Clinton is the most evil American in history?' or 'Tell me, just how DO Democrats force abotions on women?' But, of course, Democrats are too smart to sound so slavishly wedded to partisan dogma, aren't they???

on Monday, February 7th, Jackalope said

Sorry, raz, forgot some respectable people actually still buy into the present American political system. Although I DID vote for Kerry in the last election, it was the first time I'd voted Democrat in over ten years, and even then it was an ABB vote. I am a Green and view most Republicans AND Democrats as "intellectually challenged" and "morally stunted." Sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Peace, out.

on Monday, February 7th, thekrunchyfrog said

Just want to point out that the Paula Poundstone link is dead.

I'm pretty sure it should point to the story of her molesting a 13(?) year old girl, hang on...

http://archives.cnn.com/2001/US/06/27/poundstone.arrest/

ok, it was under the age of 14, 13 works.

on Tuesday, February 8th, Izzie said

Is the pornstar of the day offspring of the popular desktop daily calendar, "Goddess of the Day"?

on Tuesday, February 8th, Nigel Tailwind said

I'm still waiting for someone to the the Scrambleboard on Soul Train wrong. All these complaints about kids not getting an education and reading on a fetus's comprehension level seem unwarranted. For week in and week out these hip hoppers never fail to unscramble the letters to Mahalia Jackson and Ike Turner.

on Tuesday, February 8th, Samuel said

Yeah, Brian needs to calm down. Porn stars are fine...I wouldn't choose the profession for one of my children, but I wouldn't hate them for it if they did it. Keep the section flowing. It's interesting to me.

Don't give into the prudes.