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02/04/2005: "I'm the President, oh yeah…oh yeah"
Find Your Birthday Porn Star
Alrighty. If you read Wednesday's Thoughtless, you know that my wife's
birthday falls on February 2nd. If you read the Comments on Wednesday's
Thoughtless, you know that my friend Doc's birthday also falls on February
2nd. Fred Flintstone also blows out the candles on the pterodactyl cake on
Feb. 2nd. Ayn Rand, as previously pointed out, would've turned 100 on
Wednesday (I dare you to rent The Fountainhead and watch the
entire film without dozing off). And, yes, the great Syd Vicious ascended
into Heaven of the second day of February.
I began to wonder how many other luminaries were born on Groundhog's Day,
so I surfed over to the Internet Movie Database and looked up the famous
folks who came into the world on that day. As I was scrolling down the
list I came across Barbarella (II).
"What's this?" I thought. "Was Barbarella, the only Jane Fonda film worth
watching, released on Vienna/Doc/Flintstone/Rand Day? So I clicked on the
link and discovered that Barbarella II is not a sequel to Barbarella, but
a real live person - the kind of real life person who harbors no aversions
to removing her clothing on film(or video, as the case may be).
Yes, Barbarella is a porn actress. She's starred in such memorable
features as Dirty Little Fuckers (which UK reader might know better
as Ella's Dirty Little Fuckers ) and Private Gladiator III:
Sexual Conquest.
Naturally, my next thought was "Golly, I wonder if any naughty and
photogenic ladies were born on my birthday?" A few clicks of the
mouse later I was learning all about my birthday porn star, Belladonna.
I have to admit that I was feeling no small amount of jealousy towards
Vienna and Doc for being born on the same day as Ayn Rand, but now it's
Judy's turn to cry because I (as well as Dean Clean and Mr. T) share my
birthday with the woman who not only starred in, but also directed
My Ass is Haunted.
Jesus Christ shares his birthday with the star of Cock Smokers,
Blazer. Rick Santorum blows (and we could leave it at that) out the
candles on the same day as video stud Hercules (although only one of them
appeared in In the Can With OJ) If you're reading this on the 5th
(or enjoying a fifth while you read this), you'll want to take a minute
to wish a happy birthday to Beverley Cox who made us laugh about love in
the feel good and feel up film Toys 'R' Ass.
Remember, the next time someone tells you that it's their birthday hop over
to the IMDB and let them know who their birthday porn star is.
_ . _
Teens Hate the First Amendment
Ah, these kids today with their loud hair and their long music…and their
strong dislike of Freedom of the Press.
A recent survey of high school students found that over a third of
them believe that newspapers should seek "government approval" for all
pieces that they publish (I'm pretty sure that Parade Magazine already does
this).
OK, before I call these stupid little shits a bunch of stupid little shits,
I'm going to step back and remind myself that I was 13 when the Watergate
scandal broke. When these kids were 13, a group of deranged assholes flew
planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon (as well as some primo
PA farmland). When I think of Ronald Reagan I think of Iran-Contra. These
kids think of Reagan as a kindly, senile, grandfather. This sort of thing
is bound to create two vastly different world views. It doesn't, however,
excuse 36% of the teens surveyed from being a bunch of stupid little shits.
And it certainly doesn't excuse the fact that a full 74% of the
students thought that it should be illegal to burn the American flag and
75% actually thought it was illegal to torch Ol' Glory. Shit Luther,
we really need to pump more money into "Special" education.
The survey also addressed Freedom of Speech questions to teachers and
principals. Here are the increasingly frightening numbers:
Do you agree with the following statements?
People should be allowed to express unpopular opinions
Students: 83% Teachers: 97% Principals: 99%
Yeah, that should be 100% straight across the board, but when you consider
the number of morons at large in society; I'll happily take these results.
The numbers (and the IQ's) are about to decline
Newspapers should be allowed to publish freely without government
approval of stories
Students: 51% Teachers: 80% Principals: 80%
Ooooh…kay. When you consider the popularity of FOX News, are these results
really that shocking? Now check out this bizarre change in the flow of
opinions…
Musicians should be allowed to sing songs with lyrics which others may
find offensive
Students: 70% Teachers: 58% Principals: 43%
Lemme get this straight. According to today's teens, an expose on the
mishandling of post-war Iraq should be subjected to government censorship
while "I've Got Hos in Different Area Codes" should not. Hey, at
least they got the second part right.
Until I saw the stats for this question, I was beginning to see teachers
and principals in a different light, but these numbers dashed that.
Although, in some strange way I find it sort of comforting that there are
still plenty of anally-retentive principals out there for kids to rebel
against.
Students should be able to report controversial issues in their student
newspapers without the approval of school authorities
Students: 58% Teachers: 39% Principals: 25%
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Then you're a psychic. Anyway, I was
thinking that the question above is too ambiguously worded to yield any
useful results. After all, if you interpret "controversial issues" as "does
Mary Sue Keplowski go all the way?" then you might agree with the principals.
_ . _
Purple Reign
I'm really happy for those Iraqis who've managed to live long enough to
vote in last Sunday's election. I hope they enjoy the brief period before
their soon-to-be Shiite dominated government aligns itself with Iran
forcing the US to bomb the living shit out of both countries.
What confuses me is the number of legislators who, during the President's
State of the Union address, who were waving their purple index fingers in
the air like they were Prince's proctologist. These are the people who
told us that we were going to war to prevent Saddam Hussein from launching
his massive nuclear arsenal in the direction of Dinosaur Adventure Land.
They never mentioned giving the population of Iraq the once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to cast their ballots before their homeland descends into
civil war.
When the Shiite inevitably hits the fan (you'll laugh when they use that
one on the Daily Show) I hope that dye hasn't washed off because I've got
plenty of questions to ask there folks.
_ . _
zew - boil
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
illae - those
