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01/28/2005: "Depose the Lion King"

post·mod'ern·ism. noun. That which came after modernism.

mod'ern·ism. noun. That which came before postmodernism.


Over the last week I've received approximately 80 emails regarding Focus
on the Family's Dadaist attack on SpongeBob SquarePants. I even referenced
it in Wednesday's Thoughtless.

Sure it's tempting to take mock the moronic, bigoted, mouth-breathing
homo-haters at Poke Us and Our Families, but I'm not going to do that. I'm
not even going to provide a link to Fucktards in the Family's hilarious
"Spice Up Your Marriage" section ("Did you know that the Bible is the
only sex manual you'll ever need?"). Although, if I were going to that
would be found here.

No, the time for mockery and name-calling has passed and won't be coming
around again for at least another 5 to 10 minutes. Now is the time for
introspection.

Who among us has not subjected a cartoon to a little postmodern
deconstruction? I know that I have, just as assuredly as I know that one
of you will deny me three times before Foghorn Leghorn crows. Shit Luther,
I've given devoted a third of my brain to analyzing the animated world.
I've even managed to figure out the political affiliations of most Warner
Brothers characters.

Elmer Fudd: Republican
Why? Because he's an avid hunter (ala Ted "Wango Tango" Nugent). If that's
not enough, consider this: "Elmer Fudd, millionaire: I own a mansion and
a yacht." Face it America, Elmer Fudd is Steve Forbes in convenient
cartoon format.

By the way, did you know that Elmer Fudd used to be Black? It's true.
What's amazing is how quickly Elmer sold out, turned White, and joined the
GOP. Did you know that Condeleeza is a musical term for "play with
sweetness"?

Daffy Duck: Libertarian
Considering Daffy's love of money and unwillingness to engage in armed
combat ("I may be a coward, bit I'm a greeeeedy coward") you might
peg Daffy as natural born Neo-Con, but you'd be wrong. Daffy doesn't give
a duck's ass about smart-bombing the Middle East into a crater covered
bastion of Democracy. He just wants his cash and his freedom to leap
around shouting "Whoo whoo whoo."

Yosemite Sam: Anarchist
Guns and a mask prove that Yosemite Sam is the rootin' tootin'
shootin'-est varmint to ever shout "Fuck Bush" from a squat-house windee.

Bugs Bunny: Green
Has anyone ever seen a BB cartoon where he even attempts to find
employment? I've seen at least two dozen Looney Tunes in which Daffy Duck
pays the rent by working as a door-to-door salesman, but I have yet to see
Bugs punch a time clock.

Combine the above with Bug's often demonstrated hatred for authority
figures and his "environmentalist tendencies" (in particular, the cartoon
in which he reduces a construction worker to a simpering he-bitch) and
it's perfectly clear that Bugs has a Nader 2000 t-shirt or two in his
closet.

Pepe Le Pew: Democrat
This one's obvious. Pepe Le Pew is French. And if there's one thing that
I've learned from watching FOX News it's that ALL Democrats are
French.

Although I'm sure that Bush the Younger watched plenty o' cartoons as a
child it's become painfully obvious that he wasn't a big fan of the
Roadrunner series. Or, if he was, the message of those cartons was lost
on him.

The coyote (a Yale graduate) is undone - again and again - by his compete
and unquestioned faith in the ACME corporation. No matter how many pairs
of ACME rocket-skates explode in his face or how many ACME bat wings
disintegrate on take off, he continues to be a faithful consume of ACME
products, no doubt thinking "This time it's got to work." Insanity
has been defined as doing the same thing over-and-over again while
expecting a different result.


But it wasn't just Spongebob who felt the wrath of the Right this week. On
Tuesday our new Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, denounced the
PBS children's show Postcards From Buster because the episode
"Sugartime!" featured a pair of Lesbians (Well, what did she expect from
an episode called "Sugartime!"?).

I have to congratulate the Department of Education first for managing to
find a replacement for Rod Paige who every bit as big of an asshole as he
was and secondly for having the balls to pull this stunt only a two weeks
after the DOE was caught paying commentators to push "No Child Left
Behind."

PBS immediately caved and pulled the episode from distribution thereby
preventing millions of children from being permanently damaged by the
sight of two adults in a committed relationship. Stay tuned for Ken Burns'
new documentary "Jesus: The One and ONLY God."

Spellings' gripe about the "Sugartime!" episode is that "Many parents
[Hillbillies] would not want their young children [products of their
incestuous relationships] exposed to the lifestyles [carpet munching]
portrayed in the episode."

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with Postcards From Buster,
the show revolves around a cartoon rabbit who travels to different parts
of the country meeting people of varying lifestyles and religions. The
show has even featured an episode where Buster met a Conservative Christian
family. Oddly, no parents complained about having their young children
exposed to the lifestyles of a group of people who based their beliefs on
a 3,000 year-old book of dietary rules.

But it wasn't just Conservatives who were embarrassing their brethren this
week. On the same day that Margaret Spellings launched her campaign against
"The Love that dare not speak its name", we Liberals suddenly felt a
collective blow to the nuts that we would later learn was caused by a group
of Left-leaning B and C-List "celebrities" (Mike Farrell - of course -,
Diane Keaton, Danny Glover, Ed Asner, and anybody else with an agent who's
ever attended a "Free Mumia" rally) taking out an ad that urged eerily
lifelike Governor Schwarzenegger to supply driver's licenses for
undocumented immigrants.

The ad "nominates" illegal immigrant Rosanna Perez (not an actual illegal
immigrant, but an incredible simulation) for Best Nanny in a Supporting
Role. Let's hear from our fake border-buddy Perez:

"I am trusted every day to use my hands and my heart to nurture and care
for children who are not my own ... I am welcomed into the most personal
parts of people's lives, but I'm not trusted with a license to drive a
car."

I guess there wasn't room to ad "And I help drive down wages for working
class Americans thereby helping to further damage the economy that bowl-
lappers like Mike 'not fit to lick Trapper John's boots' Farrell would like
you to believe I'm a vital part of. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
lance a boil on Loretta Swit's ass."

Way to fucking go, B-listers. You managed to alienate yourselves from the
working people you claim to care about and make Liberals look like morons
with one single ad. Why not take out an ad urging your friends to hire
Americans citizens and pay them a fair wage. No, that would be too Goddamn
logical.

Next time, just take out an ad accusing Spongebob Squarepants of being a
Neo Nazi who runs a sweatshop.



_ . _

Replies: 8 Comments

on Friday, January 28th, Nigel Tailwind said

I can only hope this is one of those ruses the cops play to nab people with warrants. They tell them they're the lucky winner and come on down to pick up their prize and bracelets await them.

As Alice Cooper said recently, anyone who would get their political inputs from rock stars are bigger idiots than the rock stars. Same goes for actors. Pampered people who make faces into a camera for a living.

on Friday, January 28th, razlerja said

I always considered Bugs Bunny to be the Anarchist poster boy. He is an incarnation of the God Hermes (and Loki). He NEVER suffers the consequenses of his chaotic actions. He's to capricious to be wedded to the 'Green' agenda.

on Friday, January 28th, Briannirvana said

I always thought that the guys that sit in the balcony of the Muppet Show and shit on the jokes were republicans.

on Friday, January 28th, Mochi The Jackass said

Right on, Nigel. I mean, what kind of idiot gets their political input from a rockstar? I heard about this one site run by a guy who used to be in a band called The Dead Milkmen. I mean, what the hell?

on Friday, January 28th, billzebub said

We don't get our opinions from Rodney. We come here for validation of our own opinions.

on Friday, January 28th, ein said

So, any media outlet that accepts Federal funding is only allowed to utilize those funds in the production of content that is not in any way offensive to anyone? Or is Spelling really just making a statement about gays (i.e., there is something wrong with them)?

It has actually been suggested that PBS give back the Federal funds that were used to produce this "offensive" episode. I'm offended when government officials believe that they have a right to tell us how to think. Therefore, am I entitled to a refund of the proportion of my taxes that went to pay for Spelling's salary? Or maybe Spelling should refund the portion of her salary that was paid for with gay tax dollars.

on Saturday, January 29th, Jackalope said

I once read that Bugs Bunny is who we want to be, Daffy Duck is who we are.

And yeah, Brian, those two guys in the balcony ARE Republicans. They sit there and do nothing and bitch about those who actually ARE doing something. And they're probably closet homosexuals.

on Monday, January 31st, razlerja said

I don't think 'muppets' can have a sexual orientation...or even sex...