01/26/2005: "Newt Gingrich breaks our date."
In a perfect world, right now you'd be reading my no doubt Ribald account
of the interview that Paul and I conducted with Newt Gingrich today. Sadly,
after weeks of preparation (which I uncharacteristically managed to keep
secret) and five confirmations Newt's people canceled on us just as Paul
and I were sitting down to record the interview. They've promised to
re-schedule but, just in case they don't, I thought I'd take a few minutes
and let you what I would've liked to talk to Newt about.
Separated at birth
The first thing I wanted to do was establish common ground. Hey, wipe that
fuckin' smirk off your face, Mr. Sardonicus. Believe it or not, Newt and I
have more than a few things in common. For example, we were both born in
Pennsylvania. Although Newt was born in the inferior part of the state
know as "Not-Southeastern-PA".
Both Newt and I belong to the GOP (OK, technically I belong to the
GPOP - the Green Party of Pennsylvania) and we've both been highly critical
of the running of post-war Iraq. Newt says (and I agree), "The
decision ... to disband the Iraq military, putting hundreds of thousands
of armed young men out of work, was a disaster that our military warned
And yet, Paul Bremer got a medal. Go figure.
Just this morning over at Slate I found even more common ground between
Newt and me. It seems that many right-wingers (Newt included) have been
backing alternatives to oil and praising hybrid cars. Good for them.
I though I'd start off by bringing up all of the things that we agree on
and then to help bridge the Left/Right gap I'd invite Newt to join me for
dinner - Thai food, because that (along with Jews, front teeth, and
non-burnt Harry Potter books) would surley be a rare treat for Newt who
resides in a Red State.
I also thought that this would help keep the conversation on a civil level
when we got around to discussing the things that Newt and I disagree on.
Because, honestly, there are quite a few of those…
Book 'em, Newto
Newt was, of course, scheduled to appear on Paul's show to plug his new
book Winning The Future. According to Newt's web site, the book is
a blueprint for "How to win the war on terror, reestablish God in American
public life, reform Social Security, restore patriotism, and make American
health care the global standard for excellence and accessibility."
Just for the record, I support three of those things: winning the war on
terror, restoring patriotism, and making American health care the global
standard for excellence and accessibility. The rest is bullshit.
What I was really hoping to ask Newt about was the "reestablish God in
American public life" stuff. In particular, a section of Newt's book titled
"Our Creator in the Capital: A Walking Tour of God in Washington, D.C."
For 19 pages, Newt walks you around the Capitol pointing out various places
where God is mentioned. This begs the obvious question "If God is
everywhere, why does Newt feel the need to point him out?"
The first God-oriented question that I was hoping to ask Newt was if he
understood why some people, myself included, become nervous when
politicians begin talking about putting God into government? Would he at
least acknowledge our fear of one day awaking to find ourselves living in
a Theocracy ran by guys who are obsessed with Spongebob Squarepants'
sexual orientation* ?
The second question from on high that I would've then asked Newt would've
been if he agreed with the following quote from George Bush the Elder:
[Warning: Those of you with a sensitivity to extremely stupid statements
should gird your loins before reading on]
"No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor
should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
If he did, I was going to revoke my dinner invitation. And there's a good
chance that Newt might agree with Bush 41. After all, in his book Newt
states "There is no attack on American culture more deadly and more
historically dishonest than the secular left's unending war against God in
America's public life."
"Historically dishonest" ??? The fuck you say. I'm sure that when
Newt is walking around the White section of DC pointing out statues of
Moses he pauses and says "To be fair, the Treaty of Tripoli - which was
signed by President John Adams on 10 June 1797- clearly states 'As the
government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded
on the Christian Religion'. Oh, and I should also mention that Founding
Father James Madison, after he failed to stop the establishment the office
of Congressional Chaplain, said 'Are not the daily devotions conducted by
these legal ecclesiastics already degenerating into a scanty attendance,
and a tiresome formality?'"
Speaking of dishonesty, Newt has been appearing on TV lately claiming that
the Cupertino school system has banned copies of the Declaration of
Independence because it contains a reference to God. That's not true.
In reality the teacher was reprimanded for handing out tracts that appeared
to proselytize Christianity along with highlighting excerpts from the
Declaration of Independence that mentioned God. In other words, some kids
were left alone with a fuckin' nutjob.
Newt, I might be a Godless Lefty, but I'd like to think that I'm also a
very moral person. I don't drink, I don't steal, I've never cheated on my
wife, I'm not hooked on oxycontin, and I've never called anyone in the
middle of the night to tell them a dirty story about a loofah or a falafel.
I'd never bring this up on the air, unless Newt questioned my patriotism or
character, but I don't think Newt should be tooling around Washington
talking about morality and pointing out copies of the Ten Commandments -
particularly the Seventh Commandment.
In 1981, shortly after she'd been diagnosed with cancer, Newt's wife of 18
years, Jackie Battley (whom Newt had described as not "young enough or
pretty enough to be the President's wife."), was informed that she wouldn't
have to worry about picking out an anniversary gift for her husband (Jackie
would later be forced to take Newt to court in order to get him to
contribute for bills, rumor has it that her utilities were about to be cut
Gingrich married his second wife, Marianne, a few months later. And they
lived happily …
… until Newt began having an affair with Callista Bisek, a member of Newt's
staff who happened to be 23 years younger than Speaker of the House
On Mother's Day of 1999, Newt severed his ties with Marianne.
And then there's that whole "Thou shall not steal" thing. In January of
1997, Gingrich was reprimanded by the House and fined $300,000 (the vote
was 395 to 28) for "intentional or ... reckless" disregard of House rules.
It seems that Newt had been using tax-exempt foundations for political
purposes. He then lied about this to the House ethics committee. Praise
Pissed off old Punk goes on a Rant
Here's another thing about Newt that I need to get off my chest - on Newt's
web site he asks "Can America survive the manifold dangers of terrorism,
activist judges, global economic challenges, and cultural and historical
ignorance in the twenty-first century?"
It's the "historical ignorance" part that steams my clams. Newt, you're an
"analyst" for FOX News. FOX Fuckin' News, dude. FOX News is the
fountainhead from which all historical ignorance flows. If you want proof
that FOX News has done a superbly shitty job of educating its viewers, then
consider the following:
During the War a study was conducted which found that 80 percent of the
drunken hicks who said they relied on Fox News for their info believed one of
the following misconceptions:
1. U.S. forces found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
2. There's clear evidence that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein worked
closely with the Sept. 11 terrorists.
3. People in foreign countries generally either backed the U.S.-led war or
were evenly split between supporting and opposing it.
Do you know how many bipeds who get their news from PBS/NPR believed one of
those half-assed statements to be true? 23 %. NPR wins fatally! But wait,
it only gets worse for FOX.
Of the total shitwads who believed all three fucktarded statements
to be true, 18 % cited Fox News as their primary news source. A miniscule
3 % cited NPR or PBS.
Now to put a half-Nelson on FOX and pile-dive it into the mat - as to the
question about link between Saddam and al-Qaida, 67 % of the
mouth-breathing /Fox News watching tribe believed it to be true. NPR and
Conclusion: FOX News is secretly breeding an army of the retarded.
And while I'm sounding off, I would've loved to ask Newt about this "Party
of Fiscal Responsibility" horseshit. For the love of Hubbard, this year's
budget deficit will reach a record high of $427 billion, our trade deficit
with China at an all-time high (We now borrow money, in the form of
Treasury bonds form China, Japan, and India. Yes India, for the love of
crap!), and - for the first time since we lived in log cabins - Europeans,
on average, have more wealth than Americans.
Hey, maybe Newt is on to something after all. Maybe we're so fucked that
only God can lift our collective asses out of economic collapse. Now
there's some common ground for ya'.
*Just for the record, Spongebob is straight and Patrick is a metrosexual.
It's Mr. Crab who's Gay (both on the show and in real life).
_ . _
prosfilhj - dear, beloved
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
deus - God