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01/25/2005: "The greatest actress in the world...Forever..."

Before we get to today's main point I need all of you to join me in prayer.

O Ares, God of War, I know that I've only prayed to you once before (and
that was to ask you to pluck up Osama bin Laden, change him into a woman
- which, if the rumors that I've heard are correct, wouldn't take too much
work - and deposit him in the middle of Kuwait), but I really need your
intervention.

I'm not sure exactly when the Super Bowl takes place, but on that day
please hand the victory to the New England Patriots. Oh, and if possible,
please make it an incredibly lopsided victory - something akin to 700 to
0 would be nice. Feel free to jump in there yourself and tackle a few of
the guys in the green jerseys.

Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm from Philly. That's exactly why
I'm asking you to fight on the side of New England. If the Iggles win then
millions of dollars will be diverted from our public transportation and
educational funds to pay for a victory parade, "Eagles Appreciation Day",
and a solid gold jock strap for Donavan McNab. Don't just take my word for
it; ask Athena.

_ . _

Speaking of war, it's my great pleasure to announce that the Culture Wars
are over: and the Liberals have won! What? You haven't heard about this?
Well then you need to watch more late-night TV commercials.

I like to fall asleep with the TV on. It tends to cancel out all of that
white noise that 20 years of standing in front of amplifiers has
permanently left in my head. By the way, NEVER fall asleep with the
Discovery Health Channel on. Nobody needs to wake up in the middle
of the night, look at the TV, and be greeted by the sight of a
grapefruit-sided growth being removed from some guy's scrotum.

Ubi eram? Ita vero, late-night TV commercials. So last night I woke to a
commercial featuring Lindsay Wagner * (who, I swear to Hubbard, actually
has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame). Lindsay was shilling for a
company that manufactures beds which feature a "personal comfort
number". One can only assume that before Ms. Wagner discovered this
remarkable bed she was forced to lay awake at night either counting sheep
or the number of times that her agent has ignored her calls.

Now, in the middle of the ad, Lindsay informs her no doubt enthralled
audience that not only can you set your own personal comfort number, but
so also can your "SLEEP PARTNER".

Sleep Partner? Holy faith-based shit, did you hear that? Lindsay
said "Sleep Partner." Call me Ishmael, but if I'm not mistaken the term
"Sleep Partner" implies that you might not be married to the person that
you're sleeping with. You could be "living in sin", or it could be a
same-sex relationship, one or both of the slumbering parties involved might
not even be Christians! Had Lindsay used the term "Sleep Partner" during
the Reagan years she would've been burnt in effigy.

Hot damn, what more clear sign could there be of a Liberal victory in the
Culture Wars than Lindsay Wagner using the term "Sleep Partner" in a
commercial aimed at old people? We win.

But it's not enough to just declare victory: we also need to gloat and to
taunt our former adversaries. That's way I dashed off the following email
to Concerned Women for America.

Dear Ladies;

Last night during a futile search for family-friendly programming I chanced
upon a commercial for an "adjustable bed" featuring internationally famous
actress Lindsay Wagner which I found completely unacceptable.

Now I'm not going to go into the sinful aspects of sleeping on a mattress
as I'm sure that you are well aware of them (Like me, I'm certain that you
also sleep on a wooden pallet and wear scratchy undergarments). No, what
I'd like to draw your attention to are two words that Lindsay Wagner used
to describe the person with whom one might be sharing a bed - she said
"Sleep Partner."

Sleep Partner? What ever happened to "spouse"? Miss Wagner might as well
have said "Same-Sex Partner with whom you attend anti-Life rallies after
smoking marijuana."

I will continue to pray for Miss Wagner's soul, but I suggest that CWFA
contact the company for whom these shameful advertisements have been
created and inform them that their product will be boycotted unless they
substitute the words "Lawfully wedded in the eyes of God and not just in
San Francisco spouse" for "Sleep Partner".

Yours in Christ,

Rodney Anonymous


_ . _

* Catch Phrase Alert: "Lindsay Wagner is the greatest actress in
the world...Forever..."


_ . _

Replies: 21 Comments

on Tuesday, January 25th, Nigel Tailwind said

In the add there is a subliminal message asking viewers to pfm8mdv.

Rod I think Ares will grant your wish.

on Tuesday, January 25th, briannirvana said

I saw that commercial.
my sleep partner is my dog and she's happy to just be able to lick her ass.

on Tuesday, January 25th, Jackalope said

Okay, Rodney,

Normally, I am the good little puppy and agree with whatever you say. Well, maybe not, but I like you anyway. That having been said, I need to correct you on a few pertinent items. First, I already prayed to Ares for an Iggles victory (I AM a Bears fan living in New England), so your prayer was in vain. Second,the Culture Wars are not over until I see Rush Limbaugh out on the street with a sign saying, "Will Eat for Food." Third, your theory on the whole "sleep partner" term is totally incorrect. You see, poor Lindsay hasn't worked in almost 20 years. That means she has the sex appeal of a vibrator with dead batteries. That whole "sleep partner" term was written into her contract because it was a desperate cry for someone, nay, ANYONE to be her "sleep partner." She'll fuck anything that can utter her name. Unless the goat gets her drunk.

on Tuesday, January 25th, Yuppie Slacker said

To supplement Jackalope's comment, a quote from the linked Lindsay fansite:

"...anything from a nun to a prostitute. I don't care."

on Tuesday, January 25th, Doc said

Well,at least she didn't say,,bodily fluid partner.Coulda been worse yknow...As for the Igglez, does this mean you won't be attending a certain bash on Feb 6th?

on Tuesday, January 25th, sully said

Rodney, the liberals won the culture wars by a larger margin than you might imagine, as I have heard not only Bill O'Reilly, but also Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do radio commercials for this same company (the reason I have not bought one of their beds), and each of them also uses the word "sleep partner." Each of these homophobes must cringe in horror as the words escape their lips each day, but probably quickly forget as they count their check.

on Tuesday, January 25th, keyblur said

I actually used to work for the sleep number bastards, after I graduated high school. Nobody ever came into the store. They actually sent me to Baltimore for 3 days of training how to sell beds at the mall. there basic selling method was to lay on the bed at the front of the store. It was always creeping after waking up to see soccer moms and nascar dads walking by. onnly good thing I 60% off a bed, then promptly quite.

on Tuesday, January 25th, IVOTEDFORZUES said

So is it a good bed?

on Tuesday, January 25th, keyblur said

Yeah its a really nice bed.

on Tuesday, January 25th, John said

Rodney, I agree with just about everything you say, but I hope the Eagles win the SuperBowl as much as I want Rick Santorum to lose his next election, and thats an awful lot!

on Tuesday, January 25th, Christine said

Baltimore - the sleep capitol of the world.

My sleep partner and I are big football fans; I've been an Eagles fan since the day I was born and firmly believe that they never would have made the Superbowl if we hadn't left the country. Hell, they'll probably win.

on Tuesday, January 25th, billzebub said

Rodney I agree with most everything you say except boycotting the Red States, but I hope Ares makes the Astro-dome explode and I never have to wait for "King Of The Hill" on Sunday again.

on Tuesday, January 25th, Scott Hanstein said

Rodney, you really didn't have to waste your time praying to Ares. Philadelphia sports teams always choke. Plus, from what my dad and brothers tell me, the Patriots are a really good football team.

on Tuesday, January 25th, crapmonkey said

i dont even know when the superbowl is. i never watch football. ever.

on Tuesday, January 25th, Jackalope said

Not to sound like a corporate shill, but my Tempurpedic is incredible.

on Wednesday, January 26th, Nigel Tailwind said

Jack you ain't shillin' if the bed is thrillin'.
OK Johnny Cochran off.

on Wednesday, January 26th, Rodney said

I wonder if O'Reilly ever asked his "sleep Partner" to pass the loofah... or the falafel

on Wednesday, January 26th, briannirvana pussycat said

hey, pass the dutchie, sleep partner.

on Wednesday, January 26th, briannirvana said

Philly is getting almost 8 points. and in the 2 superbowls that the patriots have been in lately they have won by no more than a field goal. go philly.

on Wednesday, January 26th, sully said

Actually, I'd imagine that O'Reilly's Sleep Partner is Hannity, hence why they both do the commercials.

on Friday, January 28th, Ernie said

Rodney, since you were just talking about the highbrow caliber of news Fox puts out, thought you'd like this link to a button you can buy:
http://www.damnedgames.com/ProductDetails.aspx?productID=398