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01/22/2005: "Super Sabado Gigante Edition"
Well, I certainly picked the shittiest week possible in which to get a
sinus infection.
Not only did I miss out on playing at the Alan Mann memorial show, but
there was actual news happening on which I could've commented on daily -
perhaps in some sort of "blog" format. OK, let's recap some recent big
events:
Professional turd Charles Grainer was convicted of torturing prisons at
Abu Ghraib. Fortunately the Army judges where able to see through Chuck's
cleaver plan of studying Arab culture, purchasing 200 black hoods, conning
Army Intelligence officers into appearing alongside him in photographs of
the abuse, and forging Donald Rumsfeld's name on documents which approved
the use of torture.
Barbara Billingsley photo-negative Condoleezza Rice was unable, during her
Senate confirmation hearing, to provide an accurate number of Iraqi forces
who have been trained and are ready to replace US servicemen. That
number could be 120,000 (according to Rice), 4,000 (according to Sen. Joe
Bidden), or 3 guys just outside of Tikrit armed with baseball bats
(according to people who have actually attempted to train Iraqi forces).
Indecently, the above marks the only know paragraph concerning Dr. Rice
which does not include the word "cunt". Looks like I'll be getting that
Pulitzer after all.
In the middle of the week, residents of the greater Boston area (Another
first! Using "greater" and "Boston" in the same sentence) were told to be
on the look out for either four Chinese Nationals or Ten Chinese Nationals
or Seven Chinese Brothers who may, or may not, be terrorists and who may,
or may not, have entered the US by way of the Mexican border (the most
porous substance know to man).
The issue of border security has always been of great interest to me,
mainly because it's one of those areas in which most of the "experts" have
their heads planted completely up their asses.
Right Wingers may, on occasion, get all fired up about locking down our
Southern border (although you would think that they'd be more concerned
about the Canadians whom they view as an entire nation of pot-smoking
Socialists who are too busy protecting their natural resources to get
around to passing some decent anti-homo legislation), but they'll never
another foot of barbed-wire stretched across the Rio Grande as long as
George Bush is President.
Too many contributors to Bush "re"election want nannies and gardeners
who'll work for 25 cents a day and, until W. succeeds in his goal of
reducing our economy to rubble, those workers will have to come from
Mexico.
Leftists (who have the annoying habit of pronouncing Mexico as
"Meh-ee-koe") are so hung up on multiculturalism that they'll let any group
come streaming into the country unchecked as long as they wear brightly
colored, beaded, clothing and have at least one traditional dish that
causes explosive diarrhea.
What my fellow Leftists fail to understand is that Mexicans are, as a
group, more conservative than a Baptist tent meeting. I know; I've watched
hours and hours of Super Sabado Gigante. Hey, I haven't spent half my life
trying to get "In God We Trust" taken off of our money just to wake up one
day and find it replaced with the Virgin Mother of Guadalupe.
Is there a solution that will satisfy both the Left and the Right? No, but
there is a solution that'll make the American working class, the Mexican
poor, and me happy. That solution is to make US trade with Mexico
contingent on Mexico's agreement to pursue economic policies that shift
a greater share of that countries wealth into the hands of its poor. Face
it, you could build a 200 foot tall electrified wall along the US/Mexico
border and have it patrolled by laser cannon wielding werewolves and poor
Mexicans would still sneak into the USA if it were the only way that they
could be assured of feeding their families.
Mexico is home to more millionaires than any other country in Central or
South America, so some part of their economy must be productive. If that
cash were spread around a little more evenly, thus removing the incentive
for Mexicans to come to America to earn a living, we wouldn't have 3
million people with the surname of Rodriguez slipping into our country
every year. It might also make it a little easier to spot ten Chinese guys
trying to sneak into Texas while lugging a refrigerator sized box that
reads "Plutonium: This end up."
On Thursday the mildly-retarded son of the adulterous former head of the
Secret Police was sworn in as the leader of the Free World. Mr. Bush's
inaugural address was filled with references to defeating tyranny and
bringing democracy to the furthest corners of the world.
In other word; "We're going to invade Iran."
The inauguration was also memorial for the entire Bush family taking a few
minutes to salute their dark, Norwegian, master. I almost don't have the heart
to tell W. that those horns also stand for "cuckold".
Bush later swung by a few galas, but was still able to be back at the White
House, and awaiting detailed instructions from Israel, by 10:00 PM.
But last week's big story, as far as the local ABC affiliate was concerned,
was the IGGLES!
Yes, I know that, in the past, I've gone on ad nauseum about Channel Six
Action News' (the station, which I recently learned, inspired the film
Anchorman) pitiful track record of covering important events, but
last Monday they managed to top themselves.
During the half hour noon news cast, over seven minutes were devoted
to the IGGLES and I have the pictures to prove it. Three-and-a-half minutes
were devoted to a piece about Martin Luther King Day, and a little over one
minute's coverage was given to six deaths in Iraq. This means that the
IGGLES are twice as important as the greatest American of all time and
seven times as important as the war in Iraq. Thank you WPVI for helping me
get my priorities straight.
By the way, the fourth story on Channel Six's parade of the inane was an
obviously government-prepared segment about teenage drinking. Look, if
you're just going to parrot the government, at least have the decency to
change your name to Al Jazeera…or FOX News.
polemoj - war
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
bellum - war
