01/17/2005: "Who's your omnipotent daddy?"
Bernard… Bernard… Bernard…
Bernard, I want you to know... that I try. When Jean and the kids at the
school tell me that I'm supposed to control my violent temper, and be
passive and nonviolent like they are, I try. I really try. When they remind
me that Lisa Whelchel (AKA TV's Blair) is just a washed-up former child
actress with some harmless (unless you happen to be a child with an
aversion to Hot Sauce and poop-filled brownies or one of the dozen or so
"Godless native jigaboos" who are currently locked in Blair's basement
until they "accept the love of Christ"), though admittedly bizarre,
religious beliefs, I try my best to remember that.
Bernard, I want you to know... that I try.
Though when I see this e-letters... like the one below... and I think of
the number of years that my readers are going to have to carry it in their
memories... the savagery of this idiotic babble ... I just go BERSERK!
January 2005 E-Letter
Happy New Year!
Having completed all of Beth Moore's Bible Studies [And accompanying
coloring book] I was forced [at gunpoint into the trunk of my
car] to find a new Bible study last month. I discovered T.W. ["Tighty
Whitey"?] Hunt's study on "Disciple's Prayer Life" and have thoroughly
enjoyed it! One of the exercises he suggested was to personalize Psalm 23rd
from your own personal perspective [As opposed to personalizing it from
SOMEONE ELSE'S PERSPCTIVE?] using the relationship you identified as
your unique relationship with God. As a shepherd, David could readily
relate to God as one of His sheep. [WTPFMP-FB? Who, in Hubbard's name,
is David and how did he line up that sweet gig as a shepherd? If there is
a God, do you think he'd rather have us think of ourselves as sheep or as
human beings?] We were asked to think of the relationship we most
readily relate to God in our own lives. In my case, I find myself most
often coming as an "empty vessel" to God as my "Source," [Paging Dr.
Freud. Dr. Sigmund Freud to the white courtesy phone]so this is how
my personal Psalm came out.
[Remember that part in The Magic Christian where Guy Grand
comes with the idea "The Bible, can you make it better?" Ladies and Germs,
Life is about to imitate Art]
Personal Psalm 23 - Empty Vessel to Source
The Lord is my Source;
I shall not rely on myself. [Normally, I'd make some snide remark about
self-reliance but I've seen Blair's acting, so I'm forces to agree with her
on this one]
He leads me to empty myself out before Him; [Heaven adopted a
drug-testing policy roughly four years ago. A urine sample is now required
to get in]
He makes me clean because of His blood. [That's just wrong]
He restores the gifts within me;
He leads me to be filled with His Spirit. [Too easy]
Yes, though I walk through impossible situations,
I will not be afraid; I will choose to believe.
I will put my trust in Your power and mercy.
You prepare eternal work for me to do;
You anoint me for the task;
Your glory flows in and through me!
Surely, Your name will be praised forever,
And I will humbly cast my crown [?] at Your feet in worship!
When I posted this paraphrase in one of my journal entries I encouraged my
cyber friends to come up with their own personal Psalms. [And I
encourage all of you, my cyber friends, to do the same] Many were sent
to me but I was struck with how often we as women relate most readily to
God as Father. [Warning: YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE THAT "CREEPY
JANITOR" FEELING] This inspired me to write another personal Psalm 23
with this particularly special relationship in mind.
Personal Psalm 23 - Little Girl to Daddy
The Lord is my Daddy,[You have to give God credit. In less than 3,000
years he's morphed from an angry, vengeful deity who smote babies for
having colic, slayed first-born males, drowned almost the entire human
race, and had non-consensual sex with a virgin to being Blair's daddy. God
has reinvented himself more times than David Bowie]
I will be loved and adored.
I crawl up into His lap [*shudder*]
and am safely wrapped in His arms.
I lay my head against His heart
and find rest for my mind, body & soul.
I learn to trust.
I take His hand; He holds mine
and we walk together through my life.
Surely, I will face fear, hurt,
disappointment and loss, [Translation: My agent doesn't return my
but You are bigger than any
ugly monster hiding under my bed. [INSERT GRATUITUS PENIS JOKE HERE]
I will not be afraid of the Dark,
because You are the Light.
I don't even think about tomorrow,
what I will eat, wear, or where I will live
because You are my Abba [Abigail, Anya, Bjorn, and…Benny?]
I don't need to worry;
You will take good care of me -
I am your little girl!
You are the Father of my future
and You have blessings and hope planned for me
You enjoy giving me good gifts.
I make You smile when I dance [Ah, yeah. Dance for daddy]
with giddy thanksgiving in Your presence.
Whether you had a wonderful relationship with your Father growing up or
not, it is never too late to have that special bond with your Father in
Heaven, Daddy God. He adores His little girls (and little boys!) [Like
a cosmic Michael Jackson]
My prayers for you to enjoy this and so much more in 2005,
radioj - easy.
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
abbas - abbot