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01/09/2005: "A Low Down Dirty Shame"

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Before we do anything else, Randy Townley has responded to Friday's post!

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Roll call of SHAME. When you hear your name maggot name called you
will sound off like you've got a pair even though you obviously
don't, otherwise your name wouldn't be on this list. Do I make myself
clear, maggot?

SHAME on the maggot makers of American Girl dolls calling
their dolls American Girl. These maggots have their creepy dolls
made in China. Got a few minutes to kill? Why not send the folks
at American Girl an email and let them know how you feel about them
exporting the jobs of non-doll Americans to China where the average worker
makes 30 cents an hour. Or you could just sit there on your ass, maggot!

SHAME on the boot-licking maggots at L.L. Beam. Of all the shitty
clothes in the latest slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit L.L. Bean
catalog, 92% were made outside of the USA. I know that the maggots
at L.L. Bean would love to hear from you. Why not email them? Do it! Move.
Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of
the world.

By the way, of all the textiles currently in the USA, 96% are made
outside this great land of ours. Do you maggots understand that?

SHAME on Wal-Mart: the kinda corporation that would fuck a person in
the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a
reach-around. The maggots at Wal-Mart have told their suppliers that if
they can't compete with low prices offered by foreign factories then
they'll just have to shut their plants down,

Whatever you do, do not click here and tell the folks at Wal-Mart
that you would like them to open a new story in Compton, Harlem, The
Bermuda Triangle, or Michelle Malkin's nether regions!

Damn, trying to write the way R. Lee Ermey talks is exhausting. Still, I
will motivate you people if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.
You people…er, maggots, whatever have congressmen and senators (I even have
a "special" senator), don't you? Instead of reading this crap you should be
emailing them to insist that they introduce legislation that cuts off
government contracts and tax breaks to companies who send jobs overseas
(AKA unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Sorry, just wanted
to sneak one more in).

There's still plenty of SHAME to go around…

SHAME on the Bush "administration" for paying commentator and Uncle
Tom-ing Muthafugga Armstrong Williams $240,000 of taxpayers' money to pitch
the No Child Left Behind Act to minority groups (which unfortunately didn't
include the Crips or Bloods).

The nearly quarter million dollar contract gave Education Secretary and
flaming asshole Rod Paige and other department officials the right to
appear from "time to time" (yes, the contract actually says "time to time"
instead of "periodically" or, as suggested by President Bush, "CPT") as
guests on Williams' programs.

I can't believe that no one noticed that Williams' interview with Paige
was a fake. After all, the first question any real journalist would
as Rod Paige would be "How many hits of acid did it take to male you call
the NEA 'terrorist organization'?"

And last but only least in the hearts and minds of thinking people…

SHAME On George "I try not to let Laura drive" Bush for announcing
yesterday that he is calling for an increase in government grants to
"faith-based" service agencies (AKA Christian groups. Thus far, no
Jewish or Muslim group that has applied for a "faith-based" grant has
gotten approval. )

Here's some of your "faith-based" money at work in the battleground state
of Ohio:

The Pregnancy Decision Health Center (providers of fine-quality Web links
to anti-abortion groups) received $1.5 million over three years to teach
abstinence to 10,000 students in middle and high schools.

Elizabeth's New Life Center got $667,004 to help it expand a program to
teach teens the benefits of abstaining from sex. I'm sensing a pattern
here.

Bellefaire, which was originally founded to find shelter for Jewish Civil
Wars orphans (Stay tuned for Johnny Rebouski: Confederate Rabbi - tonight
on FOX) picked up $702,362 to search the hills and hollows of rural Ohio
for adoptive parents for the states 3,000 foster children. Please note
that most parents and children are non-Jewish.

The only way for this bullshit to come to a screeching halt is for some
group that conservatives don't like to get a "faith-based" grant. As usual,
the job of kicking ass and taking names falls to me…and the Church of
Satan.

To: HPNadramia@churchofsatan.com

From: Rodney Anonymous

Subject: "Faith-based" grants

Dear Church of Satan,

As I'm sure you already know, George W. Bush recently called an increase in
government grants to "faith-based" service agencies. So far, all of the
groups which have received money have been Christian organizations, and
many of these organizations haven't had very nice things to say about your
Church in the past.

That's why I'd like to suggest that the Church of Satan apply for a
"faith-based" grant. I don't know what services you offer (Although a good
friend of mine claims to have gotten married to two other people at once
in your Church) but I sure they have to be better than teaching abstinence
to 10,000 horny students in Ohio (a group called The Pregnancy Decision
Health Center got 1.5 Million for that scam).

If the government approves your request then you get to do what thou wilt
with the cash and everybody's happy - except Christian groups who will
suddenly find themselves opposed to "faith-based" funding. If the
government denies your request then you just sue the crap out of 'em.
Either way, "faith-based" grants will be over, you'll walk away with a wad
of cash, and all of those Christians who bad-mouthed you will be forced to
return to going door-to-door to fund "Premarital Sex Causes Blindness '05".

I'm hoping that you'll seriously consider this proposal and I wish your
Church the best of luck,

Rodney Anonymous



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Replies: 20 Comments

on Sunday, January 9th, briannirvana said

I buy online. Most of my buys are from US providers.
However I shop at a grocers. everytime i go there I recite Ginsbergs Supermarket in California. Fuck i love that homosexual, really. he is like Kurt to me. and Kurt was gay too. hmm, O me O my.
I need a girl to give me head, sooner than later. without the condem so it dont look like she's sucking a pale white and hard dick. like when you find a worm which has lived under a rock in water. the worms are always pale and green and sickly looking. Im a fisher. Stalking the bank.
Anyway, I shop at Shop n Save. They are cheap. and Im sure that the lettuce and broccli I buy is from America, but if it wasn't: That's some good broccoli.

on Sunday, January 9th, briannirvana said

Hey Randy Townley,
You're not as cool as the keyboardist from the Dead MiLkmen.
The keyboardist for the DM is cooler than a cucumber in a freezer. keyboards are like cucumbers. they are hard and musical, ever heard Jethro Tull play a cucumber? Cucumbers make a sound. And Cucumbers and Keyboards are alike becuae they are tasty. I ate a cucumber just now and it was great with some sour cream and Philidelphia cream cheese. I ate the LED button from a keyboard on a dare. it did not block my intestine. Keyboards (Pinao-fortes) are often made of wood, a tonal, hardwood, like maple or mahogany. A cucumber is grown like the wood that we find comprising the piano.
The keys on a keyboard is made of wood.
a difference between keyboards and cucumbers:
A keyboard has a sense of humor, and a cucumber has none

on Sunday, January 9th, katinka-katinka said

I read Randy's post this morning, and later this afternoon while running errands had a discussion with my husband about it, mostly covering the bit aobut Rodney have a god sized hole in his heart. I wonder how big that would be? At first we thought it would be pretty big, but then started wondering if the god was travelling fast, like falling, or shot from a cannon, it might be bigger. Then my husband was wondering which god, because they prolly all have different space requirements. Is it a hole that god made to use for something or is it a hole shaped like god?

So this went on for about an half an hour or so, and when I just went to check to see if there were any answears in Randy's post itself, I saw it is not a hole at at all, it is a god shaped WHOLE. I don't even know what that would be.

on Sunday, January 9th, Jackalope said

www.justiceclothing.com

on Sunday, January 9th, Doc said

WAY TO GO!!! I f-in'loathe Wal-Mart: two bike factories I worked with-one in Bethlehem Pa and one in Montreal-both dealt with those bastards and are now defunct.While we are at at, most of those 'support our troops'car magnets are made guess where?Yeah made in China.USA!!! USA!!

on Sunday, January 9th, IVOTEDFORZUES said

I fixated on the sentence in which he says "god sized whole" too. He accuses Rodney of having bad grammar in a sentence that uses two dashes where a comma should have been. That is a very novel construction indeed. He also describes Rodney's personality with the conjunction "where." Because Rodney's personality is not a place, using "where" to describe it is very poorand awkward grammar. That whole shtick of crossing things out is immensely stupid too. Maybe it's a Dionysus sized whole? I seem to talk about grammar a lot on this site. I was listening to some guy on A Prairie Home Companion read some boring story today, and he said "Passerbys" instead of "Passersby." It really annoyed me but it reminded me of the Onion article about ordering two "Whoppers Junior."

on Monday, January 10th, hedgroz said

I just received, in the mail, an official "RATYHTL" baseball hat. Though I am happy with my purchase, I couldn't help but notice where the hat was made.

HINT: It ain't the USA

on Monday, January 10th, Andrew said

I almost pissed my pants when Townley said you had a 'god sized hole in your heart'! You better have a Christian Scientist check that out.

I also didn't know you're band was the Dead Milk Men. I always thought it was Milkmen...
God I'm dumb

on Monday, January 10th, TS said

More bad grammar from tubsy-ubsy's site:

I am unapologetically a strong Christian Conservative, who rights about world events that deal with Faith, Culture, and Politics. I think the name of my site should lend some credibility

Is this a neo-con freudian slip?

on Monday, January 10th, katinka-katinka said

I'm also a little creeped out that he seemed to meet his wife through a mailorder bride thing.

on Monday, January 10th, Rodney said

Ah, take it easy on Randy. I still stand by my conviction that, deep-down inside, he's a decent guy. I even emailed him back saying so. I feel bad that he misunderstood my comment about old Southerners (he seems to think I consider him a racist - I don't. I was making a comparison between how conservatives used to feel about interrogation vs. how they feel today).

I'm also a little confused about the "I'm just against special treatment" line. Since when is asking for the same rights as everybody else special treatment?

Also I feel that it was a little unfair of him to drag my personal info into all of this but, hey, I opened the door when I wrote about him.

Finally, I guess I'm just happy that the god-sized "whole" is in my heart - not my head.

on Monday, January 10th, Andrew said

I never understood that 'special' rights thing either. Equality = we all have the same rights.

I never understood 'save the sanctity of marriage' either. Last I read divorce rates we're over %50. If they were so concerned with saving marriage they're picking the wrong fight.

on Monday, January 10th, katinka-katinka said

I think special rights usually mean "things I don't want to do"

on Monday, January 10th, sully said

As a Christian, I must say, I was shocked that this ham-swallower would bring up Dave as a way of stabbing back, as if to say that Rodney is attacking him out of misguided remorse? Is that the wittiest he's got? Wow, this guy's gonna get his ass kicked at the Special Olympics.

on Monday, January 10th, Rob S. said

Rodney:
Loved your Wal-Mart rant. Here's a great article that will make your head explode: http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/77/walmart.html

on Monday, January 10th, kelsey said

i really love this site, and the only thing that would make me love it more is if i could find some sort of rss feed for it. is there one that i'm missing?

on Tuesday, January 11th, Country Paul said

Howdy Rodney, I recon u need some country healin

Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue

on Tuesday, January 11th, Nigel Tailwind said

I wonder if that flag was made in China.

on Tuesday, January 11th, briannirvana said

Toby Kieth, Garth Brooks called and he wants his songs back.

on Thursday, January 13th, hedgroz said

this is what American Girl sent me...a nice form letter...

Dear American Girl® Customer,

Thank you for writing to American Girl to share your concerns regarding
the sourcing of our products. We always welcome your comments and
inquiries and we appreciate the opportunity to respond to your concerns.

When Pleasant Rowland first had the idea for The American Girls
Collection, she had hoped to be able to manufacture the product line
completely in the United States. That seemed particularly appropriate
since we are celebrating America in so many ways in this project.
However, the realities of the cost of labor and especially the lack of
interest in producing this kind of product in America forced our buyers
to look overseas.

We would like to assure you that American Girl is as concerned with the
safety and fair treatment of men and women who manufacture our products
as we are with the safety and quality of the products themselves. We at
American Girl face a unique challenge in establishing international
workplace and business practice standards. These standards must not
only reflect our need to conduct all manufacturing in a reasonable
manner but they must also respect the cultural, ethical, and
philosophical differences of the many countries in which we operate.

The Global Manufacturing Principles that we abide by set standards for
wages and hours, child labor, forced labor, discrimination, working
conditions, legal and ethical business practices, product safety and
quality, and the environment. The Guidelines also set standards for the
evaluation and monitoring of all facilities manufacturing our products.
We are committed to ensuring that all facilities manufacturing our
products will meet or exceed our Global Manufacturing Principles, and we
conduct audits of all facilities to ensure compliance. Acceptance of
and compliance to our Global Manufacturing Principles is part of every
agreement signed with all of our manufacturing business partners.

It is our sincere belief that operating within these principles not only
benefits the men and women who manufacture our products, but also
ensures that our customers can continue to purchase our products with
the confidence that they have been manufactured in an environment that
emphasizes both safety and respect for individual rights.

Again, thank you for sharing your concerns with American Girl. As
always, your comments and opinions are very important to us.

Sincerely,

American Girl® Customer Service
Phone: 1-800-845-0005 or 608-831-5210
Fax: 608-828-4790
Available Monday - Sunday 7 a.m. - 10 p.m. Central Time

Original Message Follows:
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Message: I couldn't help but notice that your product, the American Girl
doll, is manufactured in communist China. What's American about that?