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01/07/2005: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
Ben Schumin's evil twin found.
As we all know Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones (with a little help from
California Sen. Barbara Boxer) challenged certification of Ohio's
Electoral College votes yesterday. I have to give her some credit for
doing what the Libertarians and the Greens have been doing for months:
questioning the numerous voting irregularities that plagued the Buckeye
state in 2004.
OK, let's say that David Cobb, whom I voted for, had one the election
(and while we're exploring implausible scenarios, let's also say that
Juliet Lewis moves into the house across the street and doesn't feel the
need to hang curtains). Now let's say that Mr. Cobb's victory hinged on
one state and that state was Ohio. With me on this?
Now, let's say that Mr. Cobb had managed to get 4,258 votes in Franklin
County, Ohio when the actual number of ballots cast there was 628 (a
Herculean task which Bush managed to accomplish). And while were at it,
let's add to this scenario questions about the accuracy of Diebold's
voting machines.
Given all of this (and remember, String Theory fans, that in this alternate
universe not only did my guy win but Mel Gibson's The Passion not
only bombed at the box office but was also nominated for Best Comedy) I
would want the results investigated. Wouldn't you?
Apparently not if you're a Congressman or Senator. Tubbs' challenge went
down in flames. Translation: "Irregularities? What irregularities? Nothing
to see here. Now move along you look-ee-loos."
God, Democrats are a bunch of pussies. Out of fear of being called sore
losers they lined up en masse to vote against the challenge. Thus
insuring that they will lose every election until they're absorbed into
the Republican Party: which will then change its name to Super Cool
Dudes for Jesus! If John Kerry had won by a slim margin, do you think
the Republicans wouldn't have challenged the vote?
I watched the whole debacle unfold live on CSPAN which just happened to
also be airing the comments of callers (I tried to call in but encountered
an endless busy signal). Most callers were in favor of the challenge, but
more than a few actually thought that it was none of our business and that
we should "just get over it."
"Gee," I said to no one in particular "I wonder what that all of those
logically challenged people on the Right think of all this?" When the words
"logically challenged" appear in my mind, my thoughts instantly turn to
Michelle Malkin. What would be her unintentionally hilarious take on the
challenge?
I quick check of Malkin's blog turned up this:
QUOTE OF THE DAY
By Michelle Malkin · January 06, 2005 01:44 PM
Rep. Deborah Pryce (R-Ohio) responding on the House floor to the Boxer
and friends [sic] rebellion:
Their objection is a front for their lack of ideas.
Yup, that about sums it up.
Update: More at A Little About Everything.
What? That's it? Well, you have to respect Malkin's incredible ability to
just dismiss anything that causes her even the slightest amount of
cognitive dissidence. But Malkin no longer needs to be bothered defending
her (missionary) positions because she now has a toady to handle that task.
Did you notice that link in her post to A Little About Everything?
If you didn't click on it then you might think that A Little About
Everything is a news site. It isn't. It's a blog. What champion
log-roller Malkin has done is backed up her opinion by citing someone
else's opinion.
Here's the good news. .A Little About Everything isn't just
another blog. It's the Schumin Web of the blogosphere, and I will
forever be in Ms. Malkin's debt for turning me onto it (just as you will
forever be in my debt for telling you about it - so buy some shirts).
It's hard for me to put my finger on exactly what I love the best about
A Little About Everything because, as is the case with the sites
founder Randy N. Townley, there's so much to love.
Open A Little About Everything in a separate window. Take a look at
Randy's "Favorite Bloggers/Sites" list. Now place your cursor over usual
suspect Michelle Malkin's name. Wow, while most bipeds consider Malkin to
be an idiot whose moronic opinions are poorly, if ever, backed up with
actual facts, Randy thinks that her blog is "Awesome!"
When you've finished your elitist snickering you can move your curser over
the "Fox News" link. Despite all of the evidence to the contrary, Mr.
Townley considers FOX News to be "One of the better news sites out there."
I'm sure that we all wish Randy the best of luck in the Special Olympics.
It would be easy to make fun of Randy Townley, so that's just what I'm
going to do. Well, at least for a few more paragraphs before I do a
complete 180 and explain why Randy isn't such a bad guy after all. Ah, but
first the beat-down…
Move your cursor down to the Randster's "Previous Posts" section and click
on the post titled "Church thanks God for Americans killed in tsunami".
You'll be glad you did.
It seems that Mr. Townley is upset, and rightfully so, with the God Hates
Fags crowd (who, by the way, inspired the design of the Ronald Reagan in
Hell site) over their remarks thanking God for the deaths of 2,000 Swedes
(not Americans but, hey, you want accuracy from a guy who thinks Malkin is
"Awesome") killed by the tsunami.
Good for you, Randy! Stand up to those right wing theocrats and…Whoa!
What's this? A few paragraphs down, Randy write:
Now, let me begin by saying that I believe that marriage is most
definitely between a man and a woman, and that there should be a
constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage. I also
believe that people who are engaged in homosexual behavior are in the deep
mires of sin…
Translation: "God hates Fags."
Since the Bible clearly states that Gluttony is a sin (after all,
there are no ft people in the Bible), I think that we need a constitutional
amendment defining marriage as the union between a thin man and a
rather svelte woman.
And to any chunky Christian who would counter my proposal with "But I'm
genetically predisposed to swallow whole hams. Gays choose to be the way
they are" I say "Slow down, porky. You've got it backwards."
Do you think that Gay men choose to wax their poles to mental
visions of Kirk Cameron rather than Juliet Lewis? And do you think
Lesbians, given the choice, would rather fantasize about Nicole Kidman
instead of Randy Townley? OK, that second example is a little shaky.
I think that it's much more feasible that sexual orientation is
predominately due to genetics than it is that some fat Fundie's inability
to pass a cheesecake stand without inhaling its inventory is do to his DNA.
My point is that if Homosexuality is a sin (the Bible says nothing about
Lesbianism, so I will: Yaaaay ! Kiss, kiss!), therefore Homosexuals should
have their rights restricted by law, then so should fat people.
Eighty years ago, Mr. Townley would've been arguing against giving women
the vote because the Bible says that women are inferior to men.
Forty years ago, Mr. Townley would've been arguing against integration
quoting that creepy "children of Ham" passage.
Of course it's always possible that the failure to make a logical case is
a genetic trait and that Randy's ancestors argued heavily for Geocentrism.
Full disclosure: I'm genetically predisposed to cruel, ad hominem attacks.
_ . _
I bet you think that I hate Randy Townley, don't you? Of course you don't
because you read the part above where I said "Randy isn't such a bad guy
after all", so lets' jump to the touchy-feely Kumbia part of this rant.
You and I, gentle reader, don't know Randy Townley but I'm willing to bet
my autographed copy of Foucault's Pendulum that, if we did, we'd
like him. I'm pretty good at judging people's personalities from their
writing (Malkin, for example, has been driven insane by self-hatred) and
I'm damn sure that Randy is the kinda guy who'd loan you his snow blower
and not ride your ass about returning it. I really believe that he loves
his wife, his country, and his fellow man (but not in a Gay way).
In some ways I'm even envious of Randy. If I had his simplistic black-and-
white view of things (God is in Heaven. Jesus really walked the Earth.
Ronald Reagan was a great president and not senile traitor, and Michelle
Malkin is a gifted writer) I'd be much happier. I actually found Randy's
thoughts about Christmas very touching (completely inaccurate but touching
none-the-less). Just like Schumin, this guy talks a lot of crap, but you
can't help liking him. Ubi eram?
Ita vero, why I like Randy Townley.
It's hard to fault Randy for his opinions when you consider that he lives
in a country where more people believe in angels and UFOs than in
evolution. A country in which each night millions of people turn to Bill
"Pass the loofahl" O'Reilly to be reassured that the USA is number one.
It's like being angry at someone because they've heard of Ashley Simpson
but not the Dresden Dolls.
Twenty or thirty years from now, when the "end times" haven't occurred,
Gay marriage hasn't let to government-sponsored puppy sacrifices, or when
Randy goes to collect his privatized nest egg and finds it's not there,
Randy will be one of us…even if we've still haven't returned his snow
blower.
For every old Southerner who's proud that they fought to keep Blacks out
of their schools, there are 100 who are ashamed of their actions.
_ . _
"When I became a man I put away childish thing, which was a stupid thing
to do because those comic books I tossed out are now worth a fortune."
- Rodney Anonymous,
Founder
The Patriots Against Senator Santorum web site is up. Of course it still
needs a lot of work as will the whole stop-Santorum campaign which means
that this will be the last long Thoughtless for awhile. In fact, there's
a good change that the Thoughtlesses will be few and far between for some
time to come.
It's been a blast writing for all of you, but I've got to move on. There's
plenty of work that needs to be done elsewhere. Wish me luck.
_ . _
grafw - be write
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
scibere - to write
