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12/20/2004: "What a Bake-Off (Part II)"

Before I tell you how to assemble that gingerbread house that you baked
and decorated over the weekend, I need to pint you in the direction of
the nearest magazine store that carries Barracuda.

Sure, I know that many of you already read Barracuda for its insightful
advice on "Bachelor Living" and for its tasteful yet highly arousing
layouts of scantily clad debutants and mid-wives, but now you have one
more reason to pick up a copy: I have an article in the latest issue.

The piece is called "Bachelor's Guide to Starting Your Own Religion", and
I hope that you find it helpful. Regular patrons of RATYHTL might feel
awkward reading my work in a magazine, so I suggest that you hold the
article up in front of your monitor when you read it to lessen the
transition.

In other news, FOX News has signed Zell Miller as a commentator. I know
that we all look forward to hearing Zell's views on the issues of the
day as well as his recipe for moose cock. Zell loves that cock. Yep, Zell
just can't get enough of that cock.

Now let's put those gingerbread houses together.

The first thing that you'll wanna do is select the appropriate Xmas music.
I suggest either The Bells of Dublin by the Chieftains, The Big
Mess Orchestra's Have Yourself featuring Joe's haunting version of
O' Holy Night, or Next Time, Nail It Shut by Live Not On
Evil.

Next, you'll need a batch of that edible glue/icing that I showed you how
to in Part I. You'll also need your L-square from Part I, a string a weight
on the end to use as a plumb line, and a ruler. Using tools no more complex
than this (no, not the icing), medieval architects constructed cathedrals
large enough to hide a hunchback in, so they should be sufficient to
complete a gingerbread house with.

Break out that X-ACTO Foam Board (again, mentioned in Part I). You'll be
using this for the base. If you're making a large gingerbread house, be
sure to construct your house in the center of the base. This'll ensure
that you have space on you base (a Bootsy Collins CD) to add large candy
canes as "flying buttresses" (more medieval building techniques) to help
support the roof pieces.

Using a ruler and a pencil, draw a straight line across the base. Now
liberally apply glue/icing to the bottom of the front of your house
and use the line to place it on the base. The handles of coffee cups are
perfect for holding gingerbread pieces in place. Use your homemade plumb
line to make sure that the piece is correctly vertically aligned. The pics
that you'll be seeing are of gingerbread Temple of Bastet that I built for
Vienna. Hey, even Pagans deserve some gingerbread.



Pick up one of the side pieces and liberally apply glue/icing to the bottom
and to the side that will connect with the inside edge of the front.
Use the L-square to make check that the pieces are aligned correctly. By
the way, you can use Fruit Roll-Ups to create a "stained glass"
effect for any windows that you've added to your house.




Let these pieces dry for at least one hour before adding the other
side. Use the same techniques as you did for attaching the front and the
first side. Again, you'll want to let the three sides dry for at least an
hour before adding the back and finally both halves of the roof.

A word about the roof, if you please : The weight of the roof will
place an incredible amount of stress on your gingerbread house and, by
extension, on your relationship with those around you. If you didn't let
the rest of your house dry properly, there's a good chance that the weight
of the roof might cause your gingerbread house to collapse. If this
happens, my best advice is that you start drinking immediately.

Hey, here's how the inside of that gingerBastet Temple turned out. And
please bear in mind that this is supposed to look like a ruin, so cut me
a frickin' break, OK?



And here's the outside:



And here's a picture of Zell Miller:



Have fun building your gingerbread houses. If you actually do construct
one, please send me a pic. If you construct two, then I suggest that you
donate one to the Children's' Ward of a local hospital.

Replies: 8 Comments

on Tuesday, December 21st, Rory said

Is there any way you can post your article on here? That would be convenient and appreciated.

on Tuesday, December 21st, razlerja said

'convenient', obviously; 'appreciated', undoubtedly... But, unless I'm mistaken, the point is for the Magazine to experience RECORD sales because Mr. Anonymous' article appears there. This will GREATLY increase the chances that they return his phone calls and possibly even offer him a pitance to pen another piece. See, that's how capitalism works! :)

on Tuesday, December 21st, briannirvana said

Here's how you post one.

12 21 04
A Winter Awakening

They might fall apart, if it weren’t for the glue,
Which I continue to apply in ample layers.
I can smell the noise of the tin-plated sky—from here.
The winter dawn rises like an arrow over the hills.

Saying little or nothing, the hills reflect the breeze;
The trees stiffen into place like Roman pillars;
The earth recalls its lordship and all antiquity;
The long waving grass is bare as a chicken neck.

Waking this morning in winter, I knew the rules:
Storm windows on the doors and windows,
The removing of space heaters from closets,
The new second sheet and billowing comforter.

How the look of the word December hits my ears,
Draining me of that heat on my nose and ear lobes.
I have come too far to be held up by a winter freeze,
Hushing the running water and breaking pipes.

on Tuesday, December 21st, briannirvana said

I could make a house of gingerbread.
I guess the more GB Houses you make the better you get. All I know is that all virtues enter into this world-- and if cooking is a virtue then some of us are closer to god than we would like to believe.

on Tuesday, December 21st, Mike said

Anyone know what Joe played this weekend at Big Mess? My wife and I stayed until about 11:15 and then our early to bed, early to rise selves had to get home. What we saw was fantastic, as always. Christmas can never have enough drag queens, if you ask me.

on Tuesday, December 21st, briannirvana said

Hey, how about the guy who asked if he could be important?
Hey, how about the guy who wanted his own thoughtless?
Hey, no, hey how about the guy who asked if he could be important?
Hey, I drank too much again because people keep showing up—
With beer and with cigars and tapes of the NFL Sunday games.
We drink again as if it were Sunday.
Hey, Im listening to Bread and the song If. Shoot him now~Daffy Duck.
Ive said that before somewhere.
Hey, no, no, How about the line, “I hear the talking of the DJ/can’t understand what does he say…”
Yeah, worthless like walking into a party and starting your own conversation,
And puking all over the sink with out cleaning it up.
Guilty.

on Tuesday, December 21st, razlerja said

Mike - Joe did the most amazing, heart felt and sincere version of 'O Holy Night' I have ever heard. The man doesn't have an ounce of pertention in his body. Truely brilliant. Shame you missed it...but I think it is on the Xmas CD.

on Thursday, December 23rd, katinka-katinka said

I tried making a gingerbread house and it really didn't work out and I had to eat it. I'm going to try again tomorrow, and start drinking much earlier in the process, and I'm sure it will look great. Now I remember why I always worked in the front of the house.