[Previous entry: "We Whelchel You a Merry Christmas"] [Next entry: "What a Bake-Off (Part II)"]
12/18/2004: "Big-Assed Weekend Edition (What a bake-off)"
As promised, I'm going to teach the lot of you how to make "teh best
gingerbread house EVAR!" But, before we get started, I'd like answer the
question that is on all of your minds - wouldn't this little "cooking
segment" be more interesting (or, at least, somewhat interesting) if one
of my celebrity friends dropped by and helped out? You know, kinda like
on the old Mike Douglas Show, when Robert Goulet would swing by, sing
"Men In My Little Girl's Life", drink a fifth of bourbon, shove some yams
up Mason Reese's ass, vomit on a cookie sheet and then stick his puke in
the oven at 450 degrees for nine hours before force feeding it to a
horrified audience whom he'd been holding at gunpoint while screaming
"Mommy, little Bobby's coming home to dannnnnce"?
While I do know one or two famous people (including one who has her own
cooking show), the only person I'm even remotely familiar with who can pull
off a "screaming Goulet" is Vincent Gallo, and I'll be double-Dutch-damned
if I'm gonna eat anything he touches.
Beside, when I'm in the kitchen, I'm like Dirty Harry - I work alone! The
last thing I need is to get saddled with some rookie with a pretty young
wife and a child on-the-way who's gonna get gunned-down while I'm preheating
the oven. It takes a long time to properly make a gingerbread house,
so once I get started, I can't just quit to go seek revenge on the South
American Drug Lord who shot Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy, why? Why? He was so young…
and had such a pretty wife…and a baby on-the-way!
Have you got that? Well, have you, punk? Good, let's get started.
Now, before you even turn on that oven (to 350 degrees), you'll need to
make the patterns for your gingerbread house. I'm sure that some well
meaning, yet completely ignorant, bastard has told you that you can cut
your pattern out of cardboard. While that may be technically
correct, let me assure you that the cardboard will become soggy, so you
won't be able to re-use it. The upshot being that you'll end up dying
alone and insane.
Instead, slink on down to your local art supply store (yeah, the place
where all the spazi that are so wimpy even you can kick their asses hang
out and cry about how nobody understands them) and purchase a sturdy one
foot by one foot piece of X-ACTO Foam Board (for the base) and three (3)
12 x 18 sheets of Darice ULTRA STIFF (huh, huh) plastic canvas. This
should set you back about $4.75 total. 
Lemme tell you, this shit is the Hula-Hubbard! I discovered it last year
when I was picking up some rainbow stickers for my great-aunt's iron lung,
and I dunno how I ever got along without it. The little grids make pattern
cutting ubber-easy, which leaves me plenty of time for threatening my
neighbors with a broken bottle of chardonnay.
If this is your first time making a gingerbread house, than I suggest that
you design an abode somewhat smaller than the one used in the following
example. If your friends ask you why your gingerbread house is so tiny,
just shake your head and mutter "Fuckin Bush." Trust me, they'll
understand.
Draw and then cut out the following patterns on your "Plastic Canvases"
(Which is also the name of my Byrds cover band.)
And while you're at it, be sure to cut out a small L-square. This'll come
in handy during the construction phase.
Once you have your patterns cut, make sure that they fit (with at least an
inch of space on each side) inside your cookie sheet. Here's a helpful tip:
you can't go wrong with an 11" x 17" cookie sheet. Unless, of course,
you're making a 96" x 4.7" gingerbread house. Here's another tip: there are
plenty of other web sites out there. Some of 'em even have news and shit.
Quit wasting your time here. Gallo, you totally wore LaRouche's poe-jamas
in Brown Bunny. Respect!
Next, you'll need to have the following list of ingredients tattooed on you
left inner thigh:
baking soda
baking powder
cinnamon
ground ginger
ground cloves
nutmeg
vegetable shortening
sugar
molasses (Get two [2] jars of Grandma's molasses,
just in case you need to
make a second batch of dough)
6 large eggs
vanilla
2 boxes of 10-X confectioners' sugar (it's in the baking isle -
the one built over the old Indian burial ground, next to the
home for the criminally insane. Hey, you kids don't wanna go
messin' around there, do ya'?)
Before you get to mixing crap together, you'll want to lay out all of your
ingredients and double-check the list. The only thing worse than having to
run out to buy sugar in the middle of making a gingerbread house is
Michelle Malkin's latest book-on-tape read by Darryl Worley and recorded at
a Star Trek convention.
In a large pot or crucible of terror, slowly liquefy (use a low
heat) 1 cup of vegetable shortening. Add 1 cup of sugar to this clear goo.
Mix thoroughly, and then slowly stir in 1 ¼ cups (one jar of Grandma's,
trust me, I do this every year) molasses. Now add a raw egg and 1 tsp of
vanilla. Mix like a dusted hobo. For the sake of clarity, well refer to
this mixture as "The Condor". Set "The Condor" aside.
In a large bowl, or large pot, or ancient sarcophagus, dump 5 1/2 cups of
flour. Now add 1 tsp. of baking soda, 1/4 tsp. of baking powder, 2 tsp.
of cinnamon, 3 tsp. of ground ginger, 2 tsp. of ground cloves and 1 tsp.
of nutmeg. Stir, goddamn you, stir. We'll call this powdery mixture
"Bolivian Flake"
Slowly and carefully, add the "Bolivian Flake" to "The Condor" while
stirring continuously. Pretty soon this new mixture (known amongst
gingerbread aficionados as "Bolivian Condor") will be too thick to be
stirred with a spoon, so you'll have to stick your hands in there and kneed
like Beverly D'Angelo in The Sentinel.
Once you have the "Bolivian Condor" thoroughly "smushed", start forming
fist-sized balls (huh, huh). Wrap these balls in cling wrap and place
them in the 'frige for at least an hour before proceeding to the next
stage.
Hmmm…now you've got an hour to kill. Fortunately, this is the time of year
when the 700 Club tends to run their telethon. I can't think of a single
reason why you shouldn't call their toll-free number and tell them all
about the fantastic gingerbread house that you're making. If you speak
just enough Spanish to confuse both Mexicans and Gringos, all-the-better!
If they try to hit you up for a donation just say "Vincent Gallo was
the thing in Brown Bunny. Did you see that movie…no, wait, that
film? It was the thing! Hey, bet you can't guess what I've got in
my hand right now…" Repeat as necessary.
One hour later…
Right now you should have some pretty cold balls (of dough) on your hands.
Place a dough ball on baking sheet (Some people like to line the sheet with
foil. Some people also think it's OK to leave their kids alone with
Michael Jackson.) and CCH Pounder it until it's nice and spread out and
only about a quarter of an inch thick. This is best accomplished by using
the most sophisticated tools available - the palms of your hands.
Place the pattern over the flattened dough and trim. Gather the excess in
to a ball that can be firmly held between your knees.
If you're laying out the front or the sides, then you have some pieces that
you'll need to "cut out" with a butter knife. This is important: cut
along the outline of the pieces, but DO NOT remove them. This'll help your
design hold its shape, and you can use those left over bits for
strengthening the inside corners.
Since I'm planning on adding a Rosette window (this will consist of one of
those old fashion all-day suckers mounted from behind) on the front, I'll
make the "hole" now using a drinking glass.
It's time to bake. Place the cookie sheet in an oven that's been pre-heated
to 350 degrees. Leave the dough in until it starts to get brown around the
edges - this should take between 10 and 15 minutes. Remove and let cool…and
when I say "let cool", I mean "let cool". The best way to insure the
structural integrity of your gingerbread house is to make sure those pieces
are nice and cool before you do squat to them.
Here's what might be the most important tip that I'll give you: Decorate your
house before you put it together. Just imaging trying to do this to
a vertical piece of gingerbread…
In order to add the decorations, you're going to need to make a sort of
edible glue that I call "The Stuff" . To make "The Stuff", just
break an egg into a small pot or bowl and stir in 10-X confectioners'
sugar until you have a substance that's has a creamy color and the
consistency of Elmer's Glue. Make sure that you wash "The Stuff"
off of your hands. DO NOT lick it off. Ingesting too much of "The Stuff"
will result in a headache the equivalent of asking a friends over for an
evening of listening to Toby Keith CD's while they attack your skull with
croquet mallets. Oh, and here's another tip: Cookies, cut in half, make
excellent shingles for the roof.
That was way too much work for one night. If you check back in on Monday
night (by the way, The Amazing James Randi will be making a return
appearance on Monday's Paul Kircher Show), I'll show you how to put the
whole thing together.
iera - rites, sacrifices
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
mox - soon
