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12/16/2004: "We Whelchel You a Merry Christmas"

December 2004 E-Letter

I've wanted to send this particular E-letter for over a month but today is
the first day I could do it. I planned to tell you all about my new book,
The ADVENTure of Christmas, in plenty of time for you to pick it up at
your local bookstore and enjoy it all through the holiday season.

It's a Christmas miracle! Just when you thought that you couldn't
possibly despise Lisa/Blair anymore than you already do - POW, she goes
and writes a book called "The ADVENTure of Christmas". Sweet
mother of crap, I nearly dropped a Yule log when I saw that clever play
on words.

Personally, I think that Lisa/Blair should've called her book "The
ADventure of Christmas", since she spends the entire E-Letter
hawking it. Hurry, hurry, run out and buy it so that you can "enjoy it all
through the holiday season" - which ends, roughly, one week from today.

Holy shit (Now there's a title for a Christmas book)! Check out the
following description of the book, taken directly from Blair/Lisa's web
site:

"For each of the twenty-four days preceding Christmas, The ADVENTure of
Christmas serves as a fun and handy guide that describes the true meaning
hidden in your most cherished traditions. Hanging lights on the house,
wrapping gifts, and decorating the tree will become opportunities to share
how these traditions relate to Jesus' birth."

Hanging lights, wrapping gifts, and decorating the tree are Pagan
traditions. They have about as much bearing on the life of Jesus Christ as
a trip to the Harley Davidson factory. Shit, Luther, haven't we been
talking about this sorta thing all week? It's bad enough that I'm the only
one who writes for this site, but do I have to be the only one who reads
it?

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it,) the book
has been an unexpectedly, phenomenal hit. Which means, I couldn't write to
you about it because I couldn't keep the books in stock long enough to
risk you wanting to buy one.

Gee, thanks, Blair. Since you did me such a big favor, please allow me
to do one for you by telling my readers that it's very, very wrong to
write a fake review of Blair's book on Amazon.com. Got that people? It's
wrong, so don't do it.

As it is, between visitors finding the book in my online shopping section
and at the last few months of speaking events, I've sold over 4,000 books
myself. Wal-Mart surprised the publisher and ordered 17,000 copies and
the remaining outlets haven't been able to keep them in the store. The
publisher has had to order three additional print runs which brings the
total to over 40,000 books. (Way more than any of us expected for a
Christmas gift book!)

Hey, Blair, here's something you should know about Wal-Mart. That's
right, every time Wal-Mart sells a copy of your shitty little book, a
Wal-Mart employee gets screwed and the baby Jesus weeps. Sweet, holy
Hubbard, Blair has sold over 40,000 copies of her crappy collection of
Christmas crud. I know it's wrong to burn books, but if we're ever
going to make an exception to that rule…

This created quite a back up from the printer. We finally received our
latest batch from the last shipment on Friday. Steve, Haven and I worked
all day yesterday packing, stamping and labeling almost 400 books to get
in the mail by the end of the day.(So sorry again to all of you who have
been waiting for your books. They are in the mail!)

Haven't you learned anything from your fellow Christian, Cathy Lee
Gifford? There are plenty of children in Indonesia who'd be happy to pack
those book for you for 25 cents a month.

I do want to tell you about the book and offer you the chance to buy one
if you are interested. But you may want to check your nearest Wal-Mart,
or call your local bookstore first. That way, if they still have them in
stock then you can enjoy the book right away.

Hello? Is this the Wooden Shoe? Great, do you have "The ADVENTure
of Christmas" by Lisa Whelchel in stock? Hello? Hello? It's hard to hear
you over all of that laughter in the background…"

If they are sold out then simply go to the shopping section on my website.
http://www.lisawhelchel.com/shop1.html There are a couple of advantages to
this method. First of all, I will autograph each one and, if you indicate,
then I will personalize it, as well. Just let me know if you want the book
made out to you, your family, your children, your grandchildren, or
neighbor family, etc.

I predict that she'll be autographing a book for my neighbors (Ben Dover
and C. Howitt Pheals) before the end of the week.

Also, we are selling the book half price. It retails for $20 but you can
buy it from my website, this year only, for $10 plus shipping and handling.
We are offering this special deal for our website friends as special
thanks for your encouragement and friendship throughout the writing of
this book.

Now that we have the books we promise to process them everyday and get
them in the mail within 24 hours. With that in mind, you should be able
to enjoy them during the remainder of the holiday, or if you are ordering
as gifts they should arrive in time to give by Christmas.

"No food for you, Haven, until you package those orders."

I've been talking about this book in my journal entries for over a year.
Just in case you haven't visited my "Coffee Talk" section lately, or you
just recently signed up for my E-letter, let me fill you in on what The
ADVENTure of Christmas is all about.

I'm sorry, Blair, but I've had little trouble navigating the web ever
since learning that you've sold over 40,000 copies of your book caused my
to repeatedly bang my head against a wall.

It is a beautiful book (with artwork by Jeannie Mooney) that I wrote
because I was looking for a way to make Christmas more about Jesus for my
children and less about the toys and gifts and trappings. After much
research I discovered that Jesus was in the middle of all of the traditions
and symbols and activities we were already experiencing as a family. There
is no need to throw out the fun of Christmas in order to keep the focus on
Jesus. He invites us to His birthday party and encourages us to have fun
with our kids - guilt free!

That's right! Buy! Buy! Buy! Jesus commands you to consume! Jesus maxed
out his credit cards and so should you. Don't believe any of that Liberal
Jew Media crap about the Son of Hubbard tossing money changers outta the
temple.

This books helps moms (and dads, teachers, grandparents, etc.) point to
Jesus in the middle of all the wonderful things we enjoy doing this time
of year so that we can keep Him the focus of our celebration.

I hope you have a very, merry Christmas and I pray you will have eyes to
find Jesus everywhere this season.

And I pray that all of you who read this still have eyes in your head,
despite the overwhelming temptation to tear them out.

Cheer up, people. Tomorrow I'll teach you how to make a gingerbread houe.

Replies: 15 Comments

on Thursday, December 16th, crapmonkey said

i know it was talked about before but i finally read some of the reviews for her other book "Creative Correction" wow. i still cant get over her "Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline" what idiot would do that to their children? oh yeah. that idiot.

on Thursday, December 16th, sully said

Wow, who wrote the review of her book under the name "Burley Conn?" That's the funniest thing I've read in ages...

on Thursday, December 16th, IVOTEDFORZUES said

Yeah I just followed your lead and went and looked at the reviews for her Creative Coercion book, and I had the same reaction. I didn't really comprehend that she had published an entire book advocating weird forms of child abuse. One review which talks about the hot saucing mentions the possibility of a child getting his hot sauced saliva in his eye. Possibility? Its more like an inevitability. Anybody whose seen a small child on a crying jag knows that they turn into little saliva factories. She advocates giving a child a choice of being held by the hand in a parking lot or being held by the hair. Why not collar? Spraying a misbehaving toddler in the face with water? Thats how razlerja's girlfriend keeps his misbehaving cat away from her. There is just so much wrong with that book. Her book seems not to be about disciplining children. It seems to be about breaking their spirits so they readily except whatever crazy scary jesus crapola the parents want to shove down their throats.

on Thursday, December 16th, Mochi The Jackass said

Did that zany bitch just use the word "E-Letter"?

Oh yes, Mrs. Whelchel! Let us all send E-letters to all our E-buddies on the World Wide Interweb!

on Thursday, December 16th, Nigel Tailwind said

Did she mention on her site that you can use just a little bit of poop for a bookmark?

Funny funny stuff Rod!

on Thursday, December 16th, Jackalope said

Sorry, Sully, but I have to disagree. Your review was better than "Nathan's." I nearly hot-sauced myself for laughing out loud.

on Thursday, December 16th, Rodney said

Now, I told you people NOT to post fake reviews. Do you listen? No.

Whatever you do, don't go the the RATYHTL store and buy hundreds of bucks worth of merch.

on Thursday, December 16th, crapmonkey said

you need some more shirt choices over there. :)

on Thursday, December 16th, Christine said

40,000 fucking copies?

Okay, now I'm pissed. Hell, all I've been able to get published is a brief history book, and I can guarantee 40,000 people aren't going to buy that.

JJoaPS, I hate that cunt.
Must go post fake review now. No, Rodney, we don't listen.

on Friday, December 17th, sully said

Thanks for the compliment Jackalope, but Nathan's was hilarious.

Rod - I second the emotion on the shirt choices. Give us variety! You should take that stuff down to Little Rock and see if you can't convince Wal-Mart to carry it... I hate Wal-Mart, but damn, it'd be awesome to see RATYHTL stuff next to the Darryl Worley clothing line. (Literally, there's a clothes line hanging from pole to pole - that's the Worley display).

on Friday, December 17th, Orrin said

Rodney, the season is almost here, and I have one Christmas wish. As soon as Jeff xeroxes his annual "melonhead on Santa's lap" cartoon, I want your "streets to ring" caption. Please? I've been very, very good this year and the voices in my head haven't taken over. Yet.

on Friday, December 17th, Rodney said

Damn, I just poured a bunch of oinnngg down the sink.

on Saturday, December 18th, briannirvana said

I cant wait until she writes a book called Sex. For what other way could she think up a way to talk to her child when the little one is now 21 and asking mom how to properly perform fellaito on her husband.

on Saturday, December 18th, briannirvana said

i noticed that she calls herself an actor/author/wife.
in other words: she has done nothing with her life.

on Saturday, December 18th, briannirvana said

Hey, how 'bout a sock hat with the RATYHTL signet. I only wear sock hats in the winter months. hats are for baseball players. i play hockey.
i would buy a RATYHTL sock hat.
make sure it is large cause I like the top to hang, like a gangster.