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12/08/2004: "Judy in Disguise"

Alrighty…Judging by the megs of email that came flooding into my inbox
over the last 24 hours, it seems that many of you would like me to
elaborate on my statement yesterday that no, I certainly do not hate
Christians.

Let me make this perfectly clear, I love practically everybody. I
love Muslims, Jews (Sorry to hear about Chanukah getting chopped down to
just seven days, my Kosher Crew), Taoists, Buddhists,
Scientologists (Go, L. Ron!), Pagans, Hindus, and up to 64% of all
Unitarians.

But, most of all and despite their propensity for burning things down
(like the Globe Theater and the Library of Alexandria) and blowing things
up (like the Oklahoma City Federal Building) , I especially love
Christians.

The American Abolitionist movement was spearheaded by Christians. As were
the Anti-Nuclear and Civil Rights movements. William Penn, who founded the
greatest city on Earth, was a devout Christian - as was Martin Luther
King. C.S Lewis? Christian. J.R.R. Tolkien? Christian. Catherine of Aragon,
Stephen Hawking, and Little Richard? Christian, Christian, and flamboyant
Christian.

Sadly, it only takes a few bad apples to fuck up an entire barrel. 19
cowardly - and no doubt mildly retarded - hijackers fucked up the Islamic
barrel for the next couple of centuries. The Jewish barrel (which I
could've gotten for you wholesale) was fucked up a combination of
walling off the Palestinians and failing to wall off Marvin Hamlisch.

There are so many individuals and groups we could point the
middle-finger-of-blame at for transforming the message of Jesus Christ
from "Love thy neighbor" to "Git offa my lawn, Faggot!" that singling one
or two of them out would be pointless. Then again, so is a 41-year-old man
spending hours, every day, blogging. OK, here are some major assholes:

The Parents Television Council

Who are the Parents Television Council (and why do they fear apostrophes)?
Well, just in case you didn't know - and FFC Chairman Michael Powell
apparently didn't - this group of concerned parents and bad grammarians
are responsible for 99.8 percent of all indecency complaints sent in to
the Federal Communications Commission.

Shit, Luther, are you trying to tell me that an entire organization had to
be formed and then engaged in petitioning the Federal Government just
because a bunch of morons couldn't find the off button on their
remotes?

As much as I consider the loathesome cretins at the Parents' Television
Council to be detestable idiots who have nothing better to do than pester
the FCC with ridicules complaints, I will be forever in their debt for this
broadside against Sex in the City that manages to do what I had
previously believed to be impossible - make the show sound interesting.
Rock on, PTC.


Concerned Women For America

Yeah, yeah, you knew I was gonna rip into this twisted collection of
post-menopausal Fundamentalist storm troopers, but what you may not have
known is that I'm merely using them as a steppingstone to get to my actual
target - Dr. Judith Reisman.

Gentle reader, I know that you and I have spoken before about how the
Harpies at CWFA have their pantaloons in a bunch over the new film
Kinsey, but we really need to have a chat about the woman who has
served as the source for all of the misinformation that CWFA is spreading
like so much pig shit in a pasture.

Dr Judy, who heads an organization called RSVPAmerica (Restoring
Social Virtue & Purity to America…Beee-ach!) and used to pen songs for
Captain Kangaroo (No, I didn't make that up), is the recent recipient of an
"Abstie" award for lifetime achievement in the field of abstinence-only
education (No, I didn't make that up, either). She is also given to gross
exaggerations and, on occasion, flat-out lies.

Unencumbered by lack of evidence, Reisman has claimed that Kinsey
sought out pedophiles and encouraged them to molest children, then
report back to him. She has even gone so far as to say "there is absolutely
no reason to believe that Kinsey himself was not involved in the sexual
abuse of these children."

Wow. Of course, this would all be easier to believe had not Dr. Reisman
also clamed that Kinsey's death was due to (brace yourselves) "brutal,
repetitive self-abuse" , likened the "recruitment techniques" of
homosexuals those used by the United States Marine Corps (Semper Fi, my,
my) and insisted that Homosexuals were not victims of the Holocaust.
Statements that couldn't have been crazier had she delivered them while
wearing a pinwheel hat atop her gorilla suit.

Well, now you know a little more about Dr. Judy, which means that you have
a little more information than a lot of other folks out there. Remember,
the Christian thing to do when you have more than others is to share.

_ . _

Here's a link that should cheer you all up.

_ . _

Replies: 11 Comments

on Wednesday, December 8th, SirAtededge said

You've made fun of only Prots here, but let's face it, and this must have been the motivation behind the "Catholic Handyman" bit, the source of true delusional gibberish is Rome. I recommend to all the slim volume "Early Christian Heresy" by Joan O'Grady, which should really have been called "The Formation of Roman Catholic Orthodoxy " but that wouldn't have sold as well.

When one looks back at all the intellectual energy spent by the finest minds of Africa , Asia Minor, and Europe contorting to blurt forth things like "consubstantiality",one can truly appreciate the "shove (the trifolded picture of Schneider from "One Day at a Time") up your ass, heretic" for the brilliant satire it is.

on Wednesday, December 8th, Rodney said

It was Catholic monks, however, who kept the flame of Western knowledge lit during the Dark Ages.

on Thursday, December 9th, Rory said

That PTC site seems like a great way to catch up on back episodes. I missed that South Park from last week. Thanks for the link, and thanks PTC.

on Thursday, December 9th, Luke said

Ah, but it was the Arab Caliphates who kept the most important works of Aristotle and Plato in circulation. Until they found their way back into Europe proper sometime before the fall of . . . Byzantium (whatever the fuck it was called then), Aristotle was just a really thorough Taxonomer and misogynist.

Which begs the question: What are those fucking suicide bombers still keeping from us?

Maybe nothing, but maybe NOT nothing.

This is a really fabulous blog, keep it up.

on Thursday, December 9th, razlerja said

"Social Virtue & Purity" WTPFMYV is that!? That is one of the creepiest phrases among many that I have heard from those types. It sounds like the Religious Police in some Islamic theocracy or some governmental department in the Orwelian future. Goddamn, and blast their eyes!

on Thursday, December 9th, Rodney said

It does sound a little like Saudi Arabia's Committee for the Promotion of Virtual and Suppression of Vice

on Thursday, December 9th, razlerja said

Are those the guys who run around with sticks and whack women on the legs if too much 'ankle' is showing? Assholes.

on Thursday, December 9th, Rodney said

The Saudis don't need a committee for that - it's their national passtime.

on Thursday, December 9th, Izzie B. said

why do you use "post-menopausal" as a dirty word?

on Thursday, December 9th, Rodney said

Becuse it takes longer to type "Dried-up ol' Bible-thumpers". Seriously, though, in the future, I'll try not to use it in the negative. Good point.

on Thursday, December 9th, Christine said

SHAMELESS PROMOTION

"Remember the Christian thing to do when you have more than others is to share"

That's why everyone should visit www.thevic.co.nz and send us lots of money to buy & rehab the building.