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12/06/2004: "But Enough About Me…"

I swear to Hubbard that I've got a million dollar imagination and a ten
cent head for business. Case in point: I'm listening to NPR yesterday and
they're talking to their "Tech Reporter" who, it just so happens, has just
published a book consisting of his replies to Spam.

OK, now I'm pissed off for a couple of reasons. First, of course, is that
I (or, to be more precise, Fongo) was doing this sort of thing years ago.
Second, no matter how funny this guy's book is (and, judging by the
interview, the answer has got to be "not very"), I'm positive it can't be
as funny as You've Got Fongo. Finally, and most importantly, is all
the cash that I kissed away by not having the foresight to realize that I
could turn You've Got Fongo into a book ala The Lazlo
Letters.

At least twice a day I come up with a million dollar idea (For example,
"Poe-Jamas" - Pajamas with pictures of Edgar Allen Poe on them. And let's
not forget my Punch and Judy video game), but fail to follow through.
While this is, naturally, bad news for me, it's also bad news for
you, gentle reader. For, you see, I'm a "share-the-wealth" kinda
guy. If I strike it rich, then it's private island paradises for everybody
(except, of course for the "indigenous peoples" of said islands, whose
lives will, no doubt, be transformed into a sort of living nightmare as
they are forced to ferry us from bar to bar on their sun burnt backs while
calling us "bwana" )!

I mention this not to illicit your pity (or send you stampeding towards
the RATYHTL web store), but because I feel that you should a little
something about me - as little as possible, in fact.

A few days ago, I hit upon the idea (not a million dollar one) of
replacing that dead "contact" link on the masthead with a link to an
"About Me" section. This idea came to me because, following the
memorial/benefit concerts, I was bombarded with emails asking questions
about my life. The most common one being "How could you just let yourself
go like that?"

This is a great question because it focuses on the physical rather than
the intellectual or spiritual (which are far less important). Never forget
that a person's appearance is the real window to their soul. Very thin
people, for example, don't give a rat's ass about your thoughts or
feelings. They're too busy glancing about hoping to catch sight of Sally
Struthers and wondering if you have anything in your 'frig. Very fat people
tend to have been born in Tupelo Mississippi and live out the rest of
their lives in Memphis, Tennessee, biting the heads off of chickens for
the amusement of gawking teenagers.

So, how did I become so fat and bald? Well, it was an act of devotion. You
see (enim), I've been married for ten years. The minute that two people
say "I do", one of them immediately embarks on a sort of "physical
landslide". Now, I could've been a selfish bastard and let my wife be the
one who gained 100 lbs and lost 90% of her hair, but that's just not me,
so I "took one for the team" - so to speak. This is why my wife is able to
subsist on a diet of chocolate and pasta while still looking 15 years
younger than me, while I - a staunch vegetarian who shuns sweets - am
rapidly approaching "The Marlon Brando Zone."

Well, now you know a little more about me (I am a fat, unselfish man).
Tomorrow, I'll address the second most common question addressed to me -
"Why do you hate Christians?"

By the way, does anyone out there know anything about this guy?

_ . _

To all who either attended or expressed an interest in Friday (12/03/04)
evening's Patriots Against Senator Santorum meeting, here is a brief
summary of what was discussed.

1) The Libertarian Party of Philadelphia has extended an invitation to
members of our upstanding group to drop by their meetings which take place
every third Wednesday of the month (that would make the next meeting on
December 15th) from 8 to 10 PM at Cosi 36th and Walnut. Nothing brings
people of different political persuasions together like a deep-seated
hatred of a not-too-bright Senator.

2) It was agreed upon that we should secure a website and domain as
quickly as possible. The cost of this website will be paid for by PASS
members John R. and yours truly (we've already begun selling pints of our
blood to raise the money, and John has a line on a guy in the Philippines
who wants to buy one of my kidneys).

This brings to light the question of what our domain name should be.
Personally, I feel that patriotsagainstsenatorsantorum.org is far too
cumbersome of a URL. Since pass.org is already taken, I'd like your input
on possible domain names. I'm leaning toward stopsantorum.org, myself, but
I'm certain that you folks might have some better (if not unprintable)
ideas.

3). Our next meeting is scheduled to take place at 7:00pm on Friday,
January 7th (Elvis' Birthday!), at Fergie's.


_ . _

Hey, hey, hey! Mike A. of ookworld fame has sent word that the
soundtrack of Lord Love A Duck is available for free downloading.

_ . _

Replies: 9 Comments

on Monday, December 6th, briannirvana said

i really should read thoughtless more often.
I t is very well done.
And I relly dug the pictures of the MiLkmen in yestwerdays thoughtless.

on Monday, December 6th, crapmonkey said

that's not the King's b-day! it's the 8th...i only know this cause it's also my mommy's b-day. her parents were Elvis fans.

on Monday, December 6th, SlowMotionRiot said

You could always go for the Pig Latin route (paying homage to your fondness for dead languages) and go for www.asspay.com, .org, or .net. They're not taken by anyone yet (from what I could tell). And it doesn't sound _too_ much like a porno site, only a little...Although you can bet your sweet sweets-avoiding ass that the other two will be nabbed up once the PASS website catches on. So go for dot com first.

on Monday, December 6th, ebbv said

you do know about www.spreadsantorum.com right?

i figure the answer is yes but i thought i should make sure just in case.

on Monday, December 6th, ebbv said

i'm an idiot.

should be:

www.spreadINGsantorum.com.

and in case you were wondering, this page was set up by Dan Savage (the sex advice columnist.)

on Tuesday, December 7th, Jackalope said

That infowars guy is a card-carrying nut. He's been on Coast to Coast AM a lot (www.coasttocoastam.com). If he ain't crazy, then we need to be scared. Very scared.

on Tuesday, December 7th, Pistaugh said

There is the suffix ".us"

You could try www.pass.us

I just searched for it and I don't think it's taken.

on Tuesday, December 7th, billzebub said

Yeah Elvis Christmas is the 8th. Also my birthday.

on Wednesday, December 8th, Irving Pac-Man(aka Irrelevant) said

"...but because I feel that you should a little something about me - as little as possible, in fact."

what?

...I rather always respected the Anonymous thing. In fact, when I saw the City Paper or whatever article and it gave your real last name, I forgot it. (Linslet? Lansdale?)

Anyway.. I never cared to see your face, I just listened to your music, and when I made it to the 11/22 show I was like 'I've ran into this guy before!'

Never put two and two together though.

I'd look up 'www.santorum.cc' or 'www.santorum.com' and see if they're taken. if not, take them!!!!

it worked for the assbaggers at www.martinlutherking.com (it leads to a porn site -.-)

as for you.. who cares what you look like! why do you think mr. bungle wore masks and costumes the first five or six years they performed, why the residents perform in eyeball heads, and why most people with something to say, stay on radio rather than go to television?

You really don't look that bad, and the way you run around and 'notice' the audience is more impressive than most bands.

...albeit, i was eating popcorn next to a bouncer who was looking at the 'pit', but still, the band's entry was amazing and spine tingling/skin chilling~ (in a good way)

...just don't stage dive.