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12/01/2004: "KenJen vs. TV's Blair"
Sports fans, when not partaking in the sort of moronic mouth-breathing
rants that would shame a toddler, enjoy engaging in lively debates of the
"what if" nature. For example, "What if the '69 Jets fought the Nazis?"
or "What if Mohammed Ali wrestled an anaconda - in zero gravity?" So,
since sports fans suck, let's talk about Jeopardy.
Ken Jennings' loss last night will mean that Jeopardy fans will get to
see their "what if" dreams ("What if KenJen took on the cop from New York
or Baboo?") come to life during the next Tournament of Champions.
Personally, my dream KenJen game would be to have the Mormon Maelstrom
(How can a guy be so smart, yet believe that God lives on a planet called
"Kolob"? ) go up against Ralph Nader and Dalai Lama.
Technically, since his 74 game streak has tuned him into a celebrity,
KenJen should be forced to participate in the week-long shamefest that is
Celebrity Jeopardy. Hmmm…What if Jesse Owens had competed in the
Special Olympics? Wouldn't you love to see KenJen take on that guy
from Everybody Loves Raymond and Lisa Whelchel (AKA "Blair" from
TV's The Facts of Life) ?
Speaking of Lisa/Blair, today is the first day of December which means
that Lisa/Blair has sent out her November E-Letter. If you thought that it
was impossible for Lisa/Blair to top the poop-filled madness of last
month's E-Letter, then you better gird your loins, because you ain't seen
nuttin' yet! Let's get right to the craziness:
November E-Letter
I hope you had a very happy Thanksgiving with lots of food and
family - a winning holiday combination! Does your family go
around the table, taking turns, telling what they are thankful
for this year? Ours, too. This year, like every year, I have
so much for which I am grateful. Of course there are the
serious things like health, happiness, home, etc. And then
there are the frivolous pleasures like "Honey Baked Hams" and
discovering "The Dinner Station" in time for Thanksgiving
dinner.
Why yes, Blair, my family did go around the table, taking turns, telling
what they are thankful for this year. It seems that we were all
thankful that we are not washed-up Honey Baked Ham eating child stars who
have found Jesus. We were also thankful that none of us have even the
slightest idea what the fuck a "Dinner Station" is. You should stop by,
next year.
I have to confess that, quite possibly, the thing I am most
thankful for is getting to meet Beth Moore. Okay, maybe not the
thing I am mostest thankful for, but at least the most excited
about…
OK, first, "mostest" is not a word. If I used a made up word (like
"shamefest", for example) it's funny. When Blair does it, it's just plain
retarded. Second, here, gentle reader, is some must-read info on Beth
Moore. Sweet mother of Crap, she really loves Jesus…
…I wrote about this momentous occasion in one of my "Coffee Talk" journal
entries and I thought I would share it with you during this season of gratitude.
recycling your shit, eh Blair? Hey, I also do that every time I have
some space to fill. Only I preface it with "Sorry about recycling my shit"
not with "I wrote about this awkward sexual encounter in one of my letters
to Penthouse and I thought I would share it with you during this season of
ingratitude."
Here goes:
"I had dinner with Beth Moore last week! Can you believe it? [Oddly,
I can] I'm telling you, I was more excited about this meeting than
going to the Presidential Inauguration, shooting hoops with George Clooney,
singing on The Emmys, or having Tom Cruise show up in "The Facts of Life"
rehearsal hall.
Um…Blair, I happen to know George Clooney, and I also happen to know
that he hates your fuckin' guts. It's not like we're best buds or anything,
but, whenever we get together over beers, he never fails to thank me for
helping to expose you as the screaming nutjob that you know, deep-down
inside, that you are. He also says that you can't shoot hoops for shit and
that your singing sucks.
Oh, and thanks for giving me yet another reason to hate Bush. So
assbreath invited you to his Inauguration, did he? Well I hope that Laura
runs a red light and kills your family.
Blair, if all those rumors about Tom Cruise being Gay (Not that there's
anything wrong with that. Unless you're no good at it - like Tom Cruise)are
true than I'm sure that catching a glimpse of you as you "blossomed into
womanhood" is the reason he started pounding butts.
From the time I found out the meeting was really going to happen I would
randomly offer to anybody and everybody who would listen, "I'm having
dinner with Beth Moore on Thursday." I was downright obnoxious all day
Thursday. From about 9:30 in the morning I would end every conversation
with, "I'm sorry, but I have to run. I must get ready for my dinner with
Beth Moore tonight."
I was supposed to have dinner with her last year before the Houston MomTime
Get-A-Way but our family was offered the chance for an all-expense paid
trip to Walt Disney World and I was afraid my children would just not
understand if I tried to convince them that Beth Moore was mightier than
the Mouse.
Please, please, kill me
That's okay; this past year has only made our eventual meeting last week
that much sweeter and deeper. I can't believe that I am finishing up the
last of the Bible studies she has written. What am I going to do now?
[I have a suggestion. Of course, it depends on rather you can fit your
Bible up your ass or not] I know there are many other wonderful Bible
teachers but this will be like having the friend you met for coffee or a
jog every morning move out of town. Sure, you'll find a new exercise
partner or donut cohort but it just won't be the same.
Huh? Look people, I just post this shit. I don't pretend to understand
it.
Let me back up for just a minute. There may be a few of you who don't know
who or what I'm talking about. This may sound mind-boggling to anyone
living in the South [Kinda like Evolution…or indoor plumbing] but
coming from California I can attest to the unthinkable fact that not every
church-going woman on this planet has heard of Beth Moore or her remarkable
Bible studies. [Translation: there is still some, slim, hope for
mankind]
I was one of these unfortunate unenlightened until our family took the
motorhome trip around America. Over and over again I heard the name "Beth
Moore" when speaking in various churches. While on the trip I also
discovered "LifeWay Christian Bookstores" which is where I purchased my
first Bible Study of Beth's. It was the one on the life of David, "A Man
After God's Heart."
Way back then I wrote a journal entry about "meeting" Beth through her
Bible Studies and for the first time really understanding what women meant
when they would write to me and say, "I feel like you're my best friend
and we've never even met." [The rest of us use the term "stalkers"]
I felt that way through reading Beth's books and opening the Bible with her
every morning through her studies. That is why I was so excited about
really getting to meet her in person.
Let me tell you all about the big night. Well, we were in Houston at a
MomTime Get-A-Way again. The weekend retreat was held at the Westin
Galleria- a beautiful hotel and an extraordinary mall. Beth's assistant
sent me an email and suggested that I meet Beth at "The Cheesecake Factory"
in the mall at 6:00 on Thursday night.
Hey, Blair, maybe Beth's assistant took one look at your photo and just
figured that you'd be hanging out at the Cheesecake Factory anyway. Just
a thought.
Before I walked out of the hotel room I took the things I thought I might
need out of my purse and put them in my camera bag. (I thought it would
look too fan-atical [No more made-up words, OK, Blair?] to carry my
purse AND my camera.) I put my room key, some lip gloss and the business
credit card in with my camera. (I meant to bring her one of my books but
I forgot.)
Oh, for the Love of Hubbard, admit it, Blair - you didn't bring the book
because you can't read. Either that or you mistook it for a
cheesecake and ate it.
I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early and waited near the hostess
stand. Beth showed up just a few minutes late and walked into the
restaurant apologizing profusely, gesticulating wildly, hugging liberally,
while passionately drawling, "I'm just HORRIFIED that I'm late. I so
wanted to be here early to welcome you. There was an accident on the
freeway. If I hadn't left early I still wouldn't be here. I'm horrified!"
"An accident on the freeway"? If there's an older Bullshit excuse for
being late, then I'm completely unaware of it. She should've said that
she was delayed by a blinding vision of Christ, or something.
So much for the awkward reserve of a first meeting. She made me feel
relaxed and special from the very first hug. I was so grateful that she
had agreed to meet with me that it had not crossed my mind that she might
also be looking forward to our dinner. She quickly informed me that her
husband, Keith, was out of town setting up his deer land and she was
hungry for some good cheesecake and female companionship.
Wow!
Isn't this the set-up nearly every Lesbian scene ever filmed?
Let me just talk "girlfriend" with you for a minute. She wore a hot pink
sweater that was adorable. Her hair was pulled back and it showed off her
big, bright eyes and beautiful laughing smile. She looks younger,
prettier, and even tinier than she looks in her videos. (If I didn't love
her so much I would hate her.)
Oh, just shove your tongue down her throat, for Christ's sake! Michele
Jackson has love letters form Cub Scouts that aren't nearly as Gay as that
last paragraph.
We enjoyed a delightful conversation, a delicious meal, and split a piece
of sugar-free cheesecake [That's obviously Lesbian code for oral
sex]. We mostly talked about our families, a little about ministry,
and wee bit of business. Many times throughout the dinner I would have an
"out of body" experience and continue carrying on a dialogue while
thinking in my head, "I'm sitting across the table from Beth Moore."
[While Beth was thinking "Sweet Lord, this cow can really put away the
cheesecake. I wonder if she's picking up on my Lesbian innuendo."]
You are not going to believe how the dinner ended [Food fight!].
We fought over the bill but I won [Girl fight!]. We stopped
talking mid-sentence long enough for me to hand the waiter my credit card
and then continued squeezing in as much conversation over one meal as
possible. Guess what happened next [Plague of locusts?]. Are you
sitting down? My credit card was declined! Is that just the worst thing,
or what!? God certainly knows how to humble the proud, doesn't He?
OK, Blair, God punishing you for your flabby pride is not the reason
why your credit card was declined. Your card was declined because you have
a $5,000-a-day cheesecake and poop-filled brownie habit. Face it, you're
an addict! Now drop and give me 20!
The waiter was very sweet [Gay]. He said, "Ma'am, it appears your
credit card is expired. Do you want to try another one?" Everything
suddenly got very fuzzy [this is too easy]. I remember looking at
the card and seeing the expiration date as "06" [06/06/06] just as
plain as day. But I couldn't reconcile that with the fact that the waiter
said it was expired. I thought, "Oh no, Steve didn't give me the renewed
card." I later realized that the waiter was simply being a thoughtful
gentleman and giving me a gracious out.
Later that evening I finally found out what was the real problem. I though
t I was being Miss Smarty-pants business woman by paying with the MomTime
credit card. Steve gave it to me a long time ago but I had only used it,
maybe one other time, at the office supply store. What I didn't know was
that Steve closed that account [after all of those unexplained massage
pallor charges appeared] a while ago and forgot to tell me.
Once Beth realized what was happening she cleverly jumped in, "I think
this is God saying that I'm supposed to treat you to dinner." I fought
back, "No, I think this is God saying you are supposed to meet my husband,
Steve." [Threeway!] I was already dialing his number on my cell
phone so I asked him to grab a credit card and my friend, Melanie,
[orgy!] and come downstairs to the restaurant.
Now, Melanie is even crazier about Beth than I am. She is a Bible teacher
herself and whereas, I enjoy Beth's Bible studies, Melanie really knows
how to appreciate all the hours she pours into their preparation. The two
of them immediately started talking about Bible software, translations,
and original languages. It was all Greek to me. (And, a little bit of
Hebrew.)
I was just wondering if any of you are still reading this. I know I stop
twenty minutes ago.
All in all, it was a fabulous evening (notwithstanding the brief
humiliation.) I must confess that I did struggle for the next couple of
days wishing I was more like Beth Moore [You know, "out of the
closet"]. As I was walking around the ballroom the next day praying
for the conference, I told God, "I want to be that deep into Bible study.
Better yet, I want to be that deep, period." Next to the obvious intensity
of her relationship with God I felt downright shallow.
Over the next couple of days, God gently chastised me by reminding me that
we are all individually called, unique parts of one body [Guess what
part of the body I think Rick Santorum is! Come on, guess - damn you!
Guess!]. God showed up at the MomTime Get-A-Way and refreshed the moms
through laughter, chocolate, gifts, massages, cozy sheets and a full
night's sleep[WTPFMYV?]. He wrapped His Abba arms around His little
girls and told them that He saw how hard they were working, the sacrifices
they were making, the sleep they were losing, and the little lives they
were changing.
I understood that that these moms would leave the Get-A-Way having been
touched by God [Bad touch] in a different way than if they had
attended a Beth Moore Living Proof conference. I also realized that
sometimes we need a "separating bone from marrow" touch and sometimes we
need a "soft stroke with the back of the Hand on a teary, weary cheek"
kind of touch.
Friend, I hope you never wish you were me [Wish granted], because
then we would lose you, and the world doesn't need another me, or even
another Beth Moore [We've found common ground]. This exact moment
in this specific generation God created you for a job that nobody else
can fill. I can't love on your neighbor, or forgive your husband, or
adore your children. There are people that God has chosen to touch
through you alone. It may be a touch that ultimately reaches millions or
it may be a single touch that no one else can reach but you.
You know something? I can't wait to meet you. It thrills me to think
that someday I'm going to get to sit across a piece of cheesecake with you
in heaven (and it surely won't be sugar-free!) and make a new friend just
as special as Beth Moore. It will be my treat. (Unless my credit card
"expires" when I do.)"
It's really hard for me to comment on this section, since I gauged my
eyes out fourteen paragraphs ago.
Crazy, huh? Now listen, if you have not "met" Beth Moore then you must
immediately surf over to www.LivingProof.org or www.LifeWay.com [I'm
sure that my readers will] and purchase one of her Bible studies.
Come next Thanksgiving, when it is your turn around the table, it will be
one of the things for which you are most thankful!
By the way, I'm so thankful for you!
Lisa
PS. Don't forget that there'll be another Patriots Against Senator Santorum
meeting this Friday night at 7:00p at Fergie's.
Superdooper puppy Love,
Lisa
qauma - wonder, marvel.
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
semper - always
