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11/29/2004: "Chuck Schlumsky: Catholic Handyman"

oneday1 (26k image)Announcer: Good afternoon, Altoona. Well, it's three o'clock on Wednesday
afternoon here on WEEN, and I think we all know what that means. Yes, it's
time for another edition of Catholic Handyman with your host Chuck

Chuck Schlumsky: Well, hello, Altoona! I'm Chuck Schlumsky and this is
Catholic Handyman, the show that does it's darn best to provide you
with household tips and solutions from a strictly Roman Catholic
perspective. OK, I see that our phone lines are all lit up - looks like
we've got a slew of anxious homeowners out there. Let's get the ball
rolling with our first caller.

Maria Theresa: Hello, Chuck? My name is Maria Theresa and first I just
wanted to say how much I love your show and how important it is for all of
us to pray for the health of Our Holy Father.

CS: Thank you, Maria Theresa. Is there a particular problem that you've
been having around your home or convent that the Catholic Handyman
can help with.

MT: Yes. My husband recently purchased one of those satellite dishes, from
Radio Shack, so that my mother, who's also named Maria Theresa, would be
able to watch Sunday Mass on EWTN, and no so we could watch filth like
The Sopranos which - along with the you-know-who's - is ruining our
society. Anyway, long story short, my husband hooks the thing up, but we
don't get no reception - just a bunch of snow.

CS: Have you called "Tech Support" yet?

MT: No, Chuck I haven't.

CS: Good, because they're just going to give you a bunch of mumbo-jumbo
about wires, and connections, and paying for service. There's also a good
chance that the person on the other end of the line might be a Hindu and,
therefore, unclean in the eyes of our Lord. No, all you really need is the
divine intervention of Saint Clare of Assisi.

MT: Oh, I can't believe I didn't think of St. Clare. I feel so foolish.

CS: Don't be so tough on yourself. Most people tend to think of Saint
Clare of Assisi as just the patron Saint of laundry workers, but
she's also the Patron Saint of television and telephones. So give it a
try and, remember, if it doesn't work - you're not praying hard enough.
And our next caller is…

Maria Theresa: Hello, Chuck? My name is also Maria Theresa and I'm dealing
with a pretty intense plumbing issue.

CS: Well, looks like someone should be invoking Saint Vincent
, Patron of plumbers and construction workers.

MT. Now that exactly what I thought, but I wanted to check with you first,
because the problem is that I dropped my wedding ring down the sink and
just can't seem to retrieve it.

CS: Whoa, Maria Theresa, that's a whole 'nother ball o' wax, entirely.
You'll need to call upon Saint Catherine of Siena.

MT: But isn't she the Patron Saint of the sick…and of Allentown,

CS: Yes, she is indeed. She's also the Patron Saint of firefighters and
those afflicted with sexual temptation. Now the reason I'm recommending
that you pray to Saint Catherine for help in recovering that ring is
because she once had a vision in which our Lord, Jesus Christ, presented
her with his foreskin as a wedding ring.

Hello? Maria Theresa are you still on the line? Well, I guess we'll move
right along to our next caller…

John: Hello, Chuck? This is …um…John. Yeah, that's it - John. Long time
listener - first time caller. I just wanted to know if you were, like,
making…oh…say…a bomb - you know, to like blow up an abortion clinic, or
something, would you use a timer or a mercury switch? And I'll take my
answer off the air, if you don't mind. I've got a lot of work to do.

CS: Oooh, that's a good question. Definitely a timer. The big disadvantage
of a mercury switch is those nasty unexpected detonations. Either way, I'd
want to make sure to put in a prayer to either Saint Barbara or Saint
before I got started on the project. I hope that answered your
question. Next caller, please…

Robert: Hello, Chuck? My name is Robert and I was kinda wondering if your
show is just for Catholics. I'm a Protestant who's planning to do some
major remodeling over the next month and was hoping that you could offer
me some advice.

CS: I'm glad you called, Robert. Even though the show is called Catholic
, we like to reach out to Christians of all denominations.
I personally believe that our commonalities outnumber our differences, and
that's why I suggest that you get yourself a picture of Pat Harrington...

R: Excuse me, but I'm not quite familiar with… Pat Harrington is it?

CS: Yes, Harrington, with two 'r''s. He's best remembered for his excellent
portrayal of Dwayne Schneider, the building super, on TV's One Day at a
. You can probably get a picture of him off the internet. Do you
have a pencil handy?

R: Sure do.

CS: Good, because you'll want to jot this down. Now, take that picture of
Pat Harrington and fold it in half three times. Got that?

R: Got it. Then what?

CS: Then shove it up your ass, heretic. Next caller…

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
xairw - rejoice.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Replies: 8 Comments

on Monday, November 29th, razlerja said

Woa. I read that jesus-foreskin thing. Freaky, man.

on Monday, November 29th, Nigel Tailwind said

You rub it and it turns into a spare tire!

on Monday, November 29th, SirAtededge said

Given the guy who thought it became the rings of Saturn, perhaps if you rub it hard enough it may go nova.

on Monday, November 29th, eric said


Today only folks for the measly sum of only 19.95 you can get your own replica Jesus Foreskin. Made out of the finest french foreskin that belief can buy. Hours of biblical foreskin fun for only 19.95 how can you beat it. And if you order today not only do you get the fabulous Jesus Foreskin but you get a set of Baby Jesus foreskin's for the kids. Kid's just love that baby foreskin from our lord and savior, the man with the ultimate plan and linebacker for the 49'ers Jesus Christ!

on Monday, November 29th, ebbv said

i'm praying to Saint Wesley Willis, patron saint of the sprained larynx due to intense comedy.

on Monday, November 29th, crapmonkey said

i have a mini, glow in the dark St. Claire of Assisi on my tv. i got it at spencer gifts like 5 years ago...its cute.

on Tuesday, November 30th, Nigel Tailwind said

Another mystic marvel is the whereabouts of the afterbirth of the Christ. Most money is on the goat but some naaaaaysayers think the chickens got to it first.

on Wednesday, December 1st, SirAtededge said

Then there's this guy, whose cave-shrine features a rock he wore down by sitting on it for years.

This is pretty lame next to the Shao Lin temples where the rock floor has been worn away from monks stomping on it.

Church militant, my ass!

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