[Previous entry: "All The New That Causes Fits."] [Next entry: "All Over But the Shouting"]
11/19/2004: "Scarlet Love Letters"
Trip on this: Thanks to the growing prudishness of Americans (and Janet
Jackson's wayward tit); the FCC now wields more power than the FDA. In
other words, there are more people in Washington protecting you from
catching a glimpse of a woman's breasts than there are protecting you from
eating a can of tuna fish that gets bigger as the temperature goes up.
Puritanism (Which H.L. Menken described as "The fear that someone,
somewhere, might be happy") is back and it's bigger than ever. If you
think I'm wrong then read this. It seems that ABC (many of whose
affiliates refused to air an obscene tit-fest called Saving Private
Ryan for fear of heavy FCC fines) has issued an apology for a promo
for its show Desperate Housewives which kicked off the beginning
of Monday Night Football.
The bit featured "implied nudity" and … "implied nudity" ???
WTPFMYV? Nobody got nekkid and people still complained? People, if you're
that uptight, sell your TVs and use the money to purchase Bibles and
scratchy undergarments.
Now, here's my favorite part, the NFL issued a statement of condemnation
calling the promo "inappropriate and unsuitable for our 'Monday Night
Football' audience." So the same people who put the Coors Twins on the
map have their limits. Who knew? This clearly illustrates the difference
between football and hockey. While hockey fans complain about implied
nudity all the time, the nature of their complaints is, of course, that
the nudity is implied.
OK, let's review. Men in tight pants forming a sweaty, grunting pile and
patting each other on the ass are fine. Nekkid ladies are bad. This theory
can be represented in this simple formula:
Fundamentalist = Fag
If this rampant stupidity were limited to the small screen I might be able
to ignore it. Unfortunaley, the Booboisie aren't content with just penning
awkwardly worded letters of complaint to the FCC about things they "seen
on the picture-box." Lately the spiritual descendents of the
mouth-breathers who torched the Globe Theater have taken to whining about
movies.
A few days ago I wrote about the brouhaha over the film Kinsey. Now
it turns out that people are upset with the film Alexander the Great
because, in an unusual act of historical accuracy, Alexander is depicted
as a bisexual.
This, of course, begs the question "Who the Hell didn't know that
Alexander of Macedonia drove his chariot on both sides of the Hippodrome,
so to speak?" Pencils down. Here's the answer: "stupidfuckinghillbillies,-
that'sfuckingwho."
Puritanism failed once and it's bound to fail again. We know this, not from
some Senior-level history class taught at an Ivy League college, but from
watching TV - PBS's Colonial House to be exact. So, while we wait
for Fundamentalist Christianity to collapse, we should at least try to have
some fun by taking a lesson from those dual victims of Puritanical
oppression, Hester Prynne and Mrs. Voorhees. Both of these women proudly
wore their scarlet letters as badges of honor (Hester decorated her 'A'
and the oddly hot Mrs. Voorhees collected the entire alphabet - 'B' for
Blasphemer, etc.)
We need to beat the Puritans to the punch by wearing scarlet letters before
they pass a law making it mandatory. 
E is for "Evolutionist"
Speaking of Fundies, (P)Rick Santorum's kids are about to be officially
home schooled. I'm sure we all wish them the best of luck. They're going
to need it.
Sweet Jeebuz, no wonder we're number thirteen.
ekswzw - preserve from danger, save
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
