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11/16/2004: "UNSPEAKABLE, UNSPEAKABLE, MONSTERS!"

That great journalistic pioneer, Ed Anger, coined a phrase to describe a
rage so pure, so white-hot, that it reduced its victim to little more than
a rabid animal. Ed's term for this ferocity, which was so intense that it
dwarfed the mania which seized the Norse warriors known as Berserkers,
was "Pig-biting mad.".

Now, there are quite a few things which make me angry (people who say
"Geneva Convention" - singular - when they mean "Geneva Conventions" -
plural), and there are plenty of people who have enraged me (Professional
idiot, Bill O'Reilly), but I have never been pig-biting mad. Until
today, that is.

A few hours ago I stepped into a book store and saw this:



OK, maybe not exactly that, but that's as close as I can get
without punching my computer's screen the fuck in. Apparently some
scum-jockey has made the loathsome decision to replace the old covers of
the Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events books with new
covers featuring - bucket, please - Jim Carrey.

That's right, the poster boy for moronic entertainment, Jim Carrey, is
being used to promote what just might be the intelligent series of
children's books ever written. Hello, boys and girls. Can you say "Auto
World"? Sure, I know you could.

Somewhere in the back of my brain I knew that this was going to happen.
A few month's ago I found out that a movie based on the Snicket books was
in the works and that fulltime gutter-licker Carrey had been signed to
play Count Olaf. "What a great idea, "I thought "and while we're at it,
let's film a version of Wuthering Heights with Rob Schneider as
Heathcliff... YOU BASTARDS!"

Look, I'm well aware of the fact that if you pick up a copy of The
Fellowship of the Ring it's probably going to have a picture of Elijah
Wood acting like a nine-year-old girl on the cover. I can deal with that
because LOTR had 30 years to gather readers before Ralph Bakshi took a
Technicolor dump all over it. And I don't care about Harry Potter
because …well because I never cared about Harry Potter.

The Lemony Snicket books are different. Whereas almost every children's
book written over the last forty years has been a sugar-coated happy-fest
aimed building youngsters' self-esteem by destroying their imaginations,
the Snicket books actually treated their readers like tiny human beings.
And the books are jammed packed with literary in-jokes. The lead characters
last name is Baudelaire. There's a character named "Mr. Poe" fer Hubbard's
sake. Those names will stick in the minds of young readers to be retrieved
at a later date. These are books that intelligent, literate parents read to
their kids, Xenudamn it! But that's all about to change, thanks to the
camera-mugging antics of Jim Carrey.

This may be somewhat of an old fashion notion, but I think that a kid
should be able to reach puberty before they come to the realization that
Hollywood is a soulless crap factory that turns quality literature into
multiplex poop. I'll never forgot how I cried when I learned that a 16th
Century Frankish poem, which I had always loved, was turned into the movie
Speed.

Hey, if half the country is going to call me an elitist (as in Liberal
elitist) then I'm going to act like an elitist and say what we've all been
thinking: The Lemony Snicket books are NOT for the masses . And
trying to make a film version of them is a Lose/Lose situation. In order
for the film to succeed on a large scale, it's going to have to be
dumbed-down to appeal to the greatest possible audience (something the
books refused to do). If the studios don't make it 'tard-friendly it's
gonna bomb.

If the film follows the tried-and-true path of pandering to idiots then
it'll be a huge success and the books will suffer. That's because the same
sort of negligent parents who would take their kids to see a Jim Carrey
film will run out, buy the books, get two pages into them, loudly announce
that "this thing sucks", before plopping their larva in front of the TV.

Look, I'm in such a foul mood that I'm just going to let Aileen Wuornos
have the last word about the people involved in turning a series of great
books into this year's Waterworld.

Replies: 12 Comments

on Tuesday, November 16th, ebbv said

first let me say i agree with everything you've said here completley.

but did you see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'? carrey was actually quite good in it. (unlike 'the majestic' which was fucking awful.)

on Tuesday, November 16th, crapmonkey said

i HATE when they do that to books. i wont even buy them. im not afraid to admit that i am a nearing 30 yr old harry potter book fan. (i like the books much more than the movies and i talk to whoever will listen about how the movies are not like the books at all.) im surprised they havent done that with those books. i suppose they make enough money with HP being on everything else...ive even seen adult diapers on ebay while looking for a HP toothbrush for my son.

on Tuesday, November 16th, debris said

Aaaah, i know. I hate that they are making a movie out of the series of unfortunate events. It's going to completely ruin the genious behind them.

on Tuesday, November 16th, Doc said

Ehhh,could be worse:what if Woody Allen bought the rights to Lolita...

on Tuesday, November 16th, jackalope said

I should've known that if anyone else in the universe knew who Ed Anger was, it was Rodney. During the '80s, I'd jam the DMs and read the Weekly World News every week. The worst thing to happen to the WWN was the fall of the Iron Curtain. Before, the most unbelievable stories conveniently occurred behind it where other news organizations couldn't cover.

And that Ed Anger got pig-biting mad every week. The scary thing about Ed was that he was ahead of his time. He was scary back then with his hell-billy opinions. Now he'd hardly cause a stir in a world full of Rushs, O'Reillys, Carlsons and Coulters.

And crapmonkey, you are not the only older HP fan. Me too. Just finished Goblet of Fire. I was going to read the Lemony Snicket books to my boys after Christmas. Hope they don't hear about the movie.

Oh, and the Incredibles kicked ass. Go see it... NOW!!!!!

on Wednesday, November 17th, SlowMotionRiot said

Weekly World News: the most newsworthy weekly paper in existence throughout the entirety of the Western Hemisphere.

on Wednesday, November 17th, RJ Hampden said

It's larvae.
Nice border.

on Wednesday, November 17th, Rodney said

At least I didn't say "Geneva Convention"

on Wednesday, November 17th, crapmonkey said

jackalope- i just feel a bit tooooo obsessed. ive read all 5 books around 10 times or so each and i read mugglenet every day to check on the new book. :P

on Wednesday, November 17th, SirAtededge said

Two points:

1) This Carrey/Snicket thing has a much better chance of not being entirely putrid than did Martin Lawrence as Dortmunder in "What's the Worst That Could Happen?"

2) Ed Anger is Briannirvana with conviction.

on Wednesday, November 17th, Mochi The Jackass said

To me, it seems like all associations with low-brow humor aside, Jim Carrey is just totally wrong for the part. I mean, the books are somewhat comedic at parts (or, the first one. I haven't read any others yet, mostly because they're insanely expensive considering their size) but the character he's supposed to be playing is an evil bastard. And not the quirky and spastic kind, either. Whoever decided this Carrey would do that part well needs to be bludgeoned into a coma with a bag of dogshit.

on Wednesday, November 17th, billzebub said

You've inspired me to actually read the book. I picked it up (actually, the first 3) a few years ago when the bookstore pulled a bait & switch for us folks who got jilted by a belated release (by a whole year) on a Harry Potter book. Anyway, I've been meaning to read it and now I will.

I just finished reading "Holes" btw, and I probably won't see the movie of that either, but it was a good book.