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11/15/2004: "Show Us Your Tits! (You Know, for Democracy and Stuff)"
Yesterday I was watching Tucker Carlson's show on PBS when…
OK, before you start composing an email informing me of exactly what
degree of Assholery Tucker has achieved, let me just say that I agree with
you. The guy is a certified dick who reminds me of an unfunny Mo Rocca.
Happy now? Alright, he exposes himself at playgrounds - playgrounds for
deaf orphans, and he killed Lacy Peterson. Better? I thought so.
Surprisingly, Tucker's show featured a lineup of Left-leaning guests, none
of whom Tucker shouted down, or even - for that matter - seemed to have
any major disagreements with. The whole thing was kind of …
unsettling.
Our ol' buddy the increasingly curmudgeon-esque Chris Hitchens dropped by
to chat about Yasser Arafat (who took longer to die than Rasputin.). Have
you heard the rumors that Arafat died of AIDS? I mention this because of
something Hitchens said when he was answering a question, posed by Tucker,
about Arafat's attempt to soften his image. I'm paraphrasing, but this
should be pretty close:
Hitchens: He even had himself photographed donating blood to help
out the Red Cross in the wake of 9/11. I don't know who got that blood,
but I hope they threw it out.
Tucker quickly changed the subject.
Up next was Jeremy Rifkin, who came on the show to discuss his new book
The European Dream. The gist of which is that Europeans, on average,
lead better lives than Americans do. In related news: Strippers don't
really like you. They like your money.
But, for me at least (and that's what this web site is really all about
isn't it? So, if you came here looking for information about rainbows or
unicorns, stop reading this immediately. And stop crying.), the most
interesting guest was the hostess of Democracy Now, Amy Goodman.
Amy had stopped by to inform all of us that the Networks are controlled by
a few mega-corporations who used their news departments to skew coverage
of the War to present it as a defacto "Hardware show" for their armaments
divisions. In related news: Those letters in Penthouse are fake.
The reason that I was so psyched to see Amy is that I'm a huge fan of
Democracy Now. In fact, it's just about the only news program that I
can stomach anymore. Before the election, I used to tune into FOX News
every now-and-then for shits-and-giggles. But now that FOX feels that they
have a mandate from God, they've become a gorgon - just catching the
slightest glimpse of trained orangutan Bill O'Reilly's smug face is likely
to turn a thinking man to stone.
So, for intelligent news analysis, I turn to Democracy Now, which
airs on Drexel University's cable station (Channel 54, here in Philly).
Unfortunately, I'm about the only person in America watching Democracy
Now. And here's why:
A few years back I was having lunch with a friend of mine who's an
executive at one of those evil networks that Amy Goodman warned us about.
I asked him, mainly because I was drunk, why there was so much programming
on TV that's absolute shit. That's when he told me an interesting story
about one of the many focus group experiments that the network had
conducted.
A group of people were given the choice of three channels to view. On the
first was a half hour episode of Gilligan's Island that was repeated
over-and-over again. On the second was the Lawrence Oliver version of
Hamlet. The third channel was "neutral" - showing only a test
pattern accompanied by the sound of white noise.
80% of the "people" chose to watch the episode of Gilligan's Island
- again, and again, and again. Which didn't really surprise the network
folks, they had expected that. What did surprise them was that, of the
remaining 20%, 15% chose to watch the test pattern over
Hamlet.
The lesson? Most people are idiots who are easily amused by shiny objects.
Which leads us to the subject of charisma (the shiny object of TV
Journalism).
Amy Goodman is a very intelligent woman, but she's clearly not the most
charismatic person on the planet. As a Charismatic- American, I understand
the importance of charisma. Yu might have all of the facts in the world
on your side, but if you argue with me in front of a crowd, you are going
to lose, because the odds are pretty good that I have more charisma than
you. Hell, this weekend, people are going to pay to hear me sing off-key.
The lesson? Just about anybody can be in tune, but only a select few can
hold an audiences attention.
So, if Democracy Now wants to reach the people that they claim to
care most about, the working class, they're going to need a host who has
a little more charisma - or big tits.
Before you accuse me of being a Sexist Pig and send me a novel about
"Lookism" disguised as an email, I'd like you to hear me out on this.
First, we Liberals have been practicing reverse-Lookism for years. I'm
willing to bet that one of the reasons that Amy Goodman landed her gig
at Democracy Now is, as some womyn with dreads and hairy armpits
might say, because she "didn't fit the standard Western ideal of beauty."
If Pam Andersen had applied for that job, she would've been laughed out
of Pacifica News' offices on the basis of her looks.
We Liberals need to enact a sort of Affirmative Action program for busty
blondes and chiseled hunks. Say what you will about Sean Hannity, but he's
able to get his Right Wing views across mainly because women want to
sleep with him. Nobody wants to sleep with Phil Donahue. Not even Marlo
Thomas. If we do this, we'll be running the country in a couple of months.
Shit, Luther, if we replace Al Franken with those Coors Twins, we could
run Noam Chomsky in 2008 - and win!
- . -
To all who either attended or expressed an interest in Friday (11/12/04)
evening's Patriots Against Senator Santorum meeting, here is a brief
summary of what was discussed.
1. It was generally agreed upon that Rick Santorum is a very bad person
who should no position above that of "Village Idiot" and, therefore, great
effort should be taken to ensure that Santorum is not re-elected in 2006.
2. It was also agreed upon that the best strategy to Ensure that Santorum
is not re-elected would be to:
a) Convince the Republican leadership to run a candidate other than
Santorum (perhaps Sam Katz). Failing this…
b) Convince a Moderate or Liberal Republican (Once again, Katz springs
to mind) to challenge Santorum in the Republican primary, and support
that candidate. Failing this…
c) Support the Democratic candidate (providing that no third party runs
a more progressive candidate) in the general election. Failing this…
d) Learn the words to "O Canada"
3. To help further our goal of preventing Santorum's re-election we will
need people to take on the following positions:
a) Press Liaison(s). This should be an individual, or individuals, with
press credentials.
b) Contact Person(s). This position would involve "interfacing" between our
organization and other organizations such as the Republican, Democratic,
Green, and Libertarian Parties; Gay and Lesbian organizations; Women's
groups; and Religious organizations.
c) Technology Person(s): Individual or individuals who would handle web
site creation, database administration, building army of robots, etc.
d) Researcher(s). Person or persons responsible for combing through public
records, the internet, and other sources in order to gather information on
Rick Santorum's voting record, news stories, statements, etc.
e) Secretary. Position would involve wiring up meeting minutes, passing
out and collecting sign up sheets, and disseminating communications.
This position has nothing to do with the creepy James Spader film.
4). Our next meeting will take place at 7:00pm on Friday, December 3rd,
at Fergie's.
ekbainw - step out, go forth
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
