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11/05/2004: "A Time For Healing"

Like many other Liberal writers, here in the "Blue" states during the
days following the Election, I've been unfairly critical of those
Americans who hold "Conservative" values. I apologize. And, in the new
spirit of cooperation that is sweeping our great land, I'd just like to
take a few minutes on the things that we all have in common. For I feel
that our commonalities greatly outweigh our differences. I strongly
encourage all conservatives to read the following piece and share
it with their brethren - be it at church, a NASCAR race, or even at a gun

Both Conservatives and Liberals Love Their Children

True, Liberals don't physically punish our helpless offspring or feed them
delicious poop-filled brownies, but we love them just as much as
Conservatives love the misshapen and mentally backward fruit of their
sinful, sinful loins.

Yes, we show our love in different ways. Liberals, for example, often spend
thousands of hours reading to their children during their youngsters'
developmental years. Conservatives, on the other hand, often spend
thousands of dollars enrolling their children in private religious schools
where the adorable tykes are protected from ever being exposed to the
Theory of Evolution or the accomplishments of "That damn Nigger", Martin
Luther King.

Both Conservatives and Liberals Love Their Spouses

Is their anymore heartwarming sight than a young Liberal couple walking,
hand-in-hand, towards the abortion clinic?

And while I admit to being no expert on Conservatives, I have recently
learned that their relationships are not as inequitable as many Liberals
have been lead to believe. For example, many Conservative men not only
allow their wives to vote, but have cut down on the beatings, considerably.

Both Conservatives and Liberals Love To Be Helpful

Conservatives are never so busy that they can't take the time to help out
a Liberal by explaining the many factual and logical inaccuracies in
Michele Moore's Fahrenheit 911, before rushing out to see The
- a film in which a semi-divine being gets tortured for two
hours before dying and returning to life.

Liberals often take time off from their busy schedules of drinking lattes,
buying Volvos, and getting tattooed to extinguish young Homosexuals who
have been set ablaze by persons who, for the sake of the new spirit of
cooperation, shall remain unnamed.

Both Conservatives and Liberals Love America

Hey, I'm the first to admit that Liberals can be a little ol' fashion and
nostalgic. We often find ourselves pining for the Old America. You
know, the America in which a man could check out a library book without
the fear of being of being arrested, given a secret trial, and being
shipped of to "Camp Gitmo" only to be repeatedly ass-raped by an Arabic

We need to learn to embrace the America that the Conservatives love - the
America of the future. A bold, free, and Homoless land where the
Constitution (Now conveniently "whittled down" to include only the Second
Amendment and a few new paragraphs about burning witches) is proudly
displayed…behind a 90 ton granite reproduction of the Ten Commandments.

Both Conservatives and Liberals Love To Laugh At Dennis Miller

True, only the Conservatives are laughing with him…

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
algunw - grieve

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Replies: 7 Comments

on Friday, November 5th, razlerja said

Hi-larious! I laughed out loud at work which, believe me, doesn't otherwise happen.

on Friday, November 5th, ebbv said

you forgot to mention "conservatives walk like this" whereas "liberals walk like this"...

no i'm just kidding, it was quite funny. thanks for keeping up the comedy this week i need it so i don't drive 45 minutes south and raze every square mile of toledo to the ground.

on Friday, November 5th, Rodney said

Didn't anybody move their mouse over Bush's pic?

on Friday, November 5th, Pistaugh said

I did. And yes I do believe this is true.

on Friday, November 5th, Rodney said

Shame on you! This is a time for healing, for Hubbard's sake!

on Friday, November 5th, Pistaugh said

Soory. I've just had the song "Life is Shit" stuck in my head for the past three days.

on Friday, November 5th, ebbv said

it's a well-known fact, that's why his "farm" is restricted to cattle and horses by law.

if it weren't for the lucrative bush twin videos, the horses wouldn't be there either.

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Ronald Reagan in Hell
The Paul Kircher Show
The Dead Milkmen

November 2004

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