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10/11/2004: "My TVC15"

Most of your musician/writer types would rather 'fess up to committing
heinous acts of genocide than to watching TV. Not me. I love television.

I guess that one of the reasons that I love television so much is its
innate ability to piss people off. Right Wingers hate TV because they see
it as a liberal medium created solely for the purpose of airing Will and
Grace. Ask any inbred hick (or his brother, Neal) how he feels about
Sesame Street and he'll tell you that "If them thar faggots, Bert and
Ernie, moved into my trailer park, you can bet me an' the boys would light
their asses up real good."

Lefties tend to see television as a tool of a reactionary government, Hell
bent on stealing little Darwin Dakota's attention away from his finger
painting and implanting, deep within his tiny skull, the burning desire to
acquire every product ever produced by Mattel.

Both sides are, of course, more-or-less correct. Television is a wonderful
Nazi wasteland of Gay consumerism and should only be viewed by people who
have inhaled large quantities of Nitrous Oxide while on lunch break at the
abortion clinic. Now put the coffee down. Coffee is for closers.

It's clear that what our society needs is more television. To that
end, my friend, Matt, and I have spent the last several months developing
several television shows which we hope to pitch to some network executives
as soon as we learn to dress ourselves. Here are poop-filled brownies of
our labor:


Will you help me find my puppy?

Synopsis: Pedophiles compete to see who can lure the most children into
a van.

Nanook of North Carolina

Synopsis: When a small, southern, town's advertisement for a new sheriff
is answered by an Eskimo, hilarity and harpooning ensue.

From the producers of Law and Order: Occult Related Crimes Unit
(Another show Matt and I pitched back in December)comes the first game
show based on a crime drama:

Satanists or Just Some Kids

Synopsis: Contestants look at crime scene photos and try to determine if
the perpetrators were members of an organized Satanic cult or "just some
kids. Probably high on dope or something."

Stinky Pinky

Synopsis: Join host Whoopie Goldberg to see if contestants can win cash
and prizes by properly identifying the odors on the hands of hilarious
celebrity panelists like Stephen Hawking, Carrot Top, and Motorhead's
Lemmy.

The Pitch: You don't know where that's finger has been - or do you?

Who Wants To Murder My Stepfather?

Synopsis: Angry Goth kids (a redundancy?) fellate Hobos and disheveled
shopkeepers in an attempt to "finally get rid of that fat fuckin' Nazi
who knocked up my mom."

Replies: 5 Comments

on Monday, October 11th, billzebub said

What? No "My Roommate the Primate"?

Hilarity ensues when Josh ("Saved By the Bell"'s Mark-Paul Gosselaar) is paired with an Orangutan in a college dorm-room.

on Tuesday, October 12th, mr_spray_starch said

What about...

"Richard Head, Private Dick"

- Follow the adventures of one moden day gumshoe who won't be mistaken for an asshole.

"Eat This!"

- A new reality show where contestants are blinfolded and force-fed random intestinal meats until they correctly identify the animal of origin.

"My Gay Landscaper"

- Because you haven't had your lawn mowed, until it's been HO-Mowed"

"Four in The Trunk"

- Follow the weekly adventures of organized crime boss "Wacky" Wally Gambini and his over-indulged family as they try to fit in at their new court ordered housing project aparment complex in the ghetto.
..'All these Moolanyans, Oh, Whats a Don to do?'

"Can I Borrow a Dollar?"

- Join your host John Laroquette, (formerly of Night Court fame), as he wanders the streets of New York asking tough questions of tough people. Watch for special guest appearances from Tom Wopat of THE DUKES OF HAZARD and eventually Jimmy Fallon.

.. and one of my favorite would be reality shows presented on The Simpsons, "Tied To a Bear". No further explanation is needed im sure.

on Tuesday, October 12th, razlerja said

"Television is a major public health problem. It is a factor in many diseases, syndromes and unhealthy habits, including obesity, Type 2 Diabetes, violence, aggression, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, poor fitness and smoking. Television is an incubator of disrespect for parents. TV ads are crafted to set children against their parents and stir dissension in the home. In addition, some political theorists, such as Robert Putnam, believe that television is in part responsible for civic decline in the United States." ~Fortune Magazine (but it could just as easily be the Taliban)

on Tuesday, October 12th, briannirvana said

that's true, and that's true, and that's true.

on Tuesday, October 12th, eric prew said

my favorite reality show parody was in the movie run ronnie run. which is a great movie and everyone should see it but anyways. they did a mock of survivor but when a cast membor would get voted off instead of leaving the island the rest of the contestents would kill and eat the voted off member. R. Lee Ermy played one of the cannibals .