10/08/2004: "Big-Assed Weekend Edition (Blair's Time of the Month)"
Some days these pieces just write themselves.
Regular readers might remember that last month I wrote a Thoughtless about
"Hot Saucer" Lisa Whelchel, better know as "Blair" from TV's The Fact's of
Life. While writing the story I checked out Blair's website and, as soon
as I regained my vision, signed up for her monthly e-letter. That and the
fact that my comments will appear in italics are pretty much all
you need to know to experience the following in its fullest:
Haven [Yes, she named her daughter "Haven". This means that I now know
of two people named "Haven" - Blair's daughter and a 56 year old stripper
who works at that titty bar by the airport] turned thirteen last week!
We spent a delightful mother/daughter weekend at a hotel complete with
room service, movie in bed, and spa fun. [Dear Penthouse…] As is
our tradition at this transition into the teenage years, I wrote a letter
for Haven to explain the symbolism of each of her gifts. I thought you
might enjoy it, too. (Sorry the gifts don't come with it.)[You cheap
whore, I want my gifts!]
My dearest daughter,
Spa Day - "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as
a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away
childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11
[" When I was a child, I spoke as a child, but when I became a man I
learned to use the 'F word'." 1 Anonymous 23:666]
Sweetie, you are no longer a little girl, but a young woman. Thirteen
isn't just another birthday, it is a transition to another season of life
. Let me take this pivotal day to tell you that you successfully
completed your little girl years! So far you have been "in school" and
I have been your teacher. Hopefully the most important thing I taught
you was how to follow the Lord and obey His word. You are an awesome
student. You have learned and obeyed and I have full confidence that as
you leave these little girl years you will live what you have learned.
[From now on, my favorite insult will be "Congratulations, dude, you've
successfully completed your little girl years!"]
Massage - "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your
hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6
["Me 'finish you off' now?" Filipino Masseuse 12:30 pm]
Don't worry about anything! When you find yourself stressed then let that
be a reminder to you that you are trying to figure out how to make life
work on your own.
God is in control and He will either "fix it" or allow you to walk through
a challenge to make you stronger as He tests Your faith in Him. [So,
lemme get this straight - God will either fix my problems or leave my ass
hanging in the wind? What kind of slacker God is that?
Facial - "For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking
at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance.
You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you
keep looking steadily into God's perfect law-the law that sets you free-and
if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will
bless you for doing it." James 1:23-25
The word "hypocrite" was the word used to describe actors who wore masks.
It is the time in your life to choose whether you are going to
authentically walk the talk or simply play the part you have been taught
since childhood. You have listened to me a lot. From this day forward,
as you enter adulthood, you have the choice to either walk away from all
you've learned or dig deeper into the Word of God, obey Him and find His
blessings for your life.
[The word "hypocrite" has also been used to describe former child-stars
who try to turn something as simple as a facial into a lesson about
morality. Blair, you were on a pre-teen jiggle show! The only place that
you should be allowed to dispense advice from is a cage in a carnival.]
Manicure - "Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who may
stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart."
Whenever I think of your name, I think of this verse. "Haven Hill Cauble"
means a sanctuary built on the Rock set up on a hill. Cool, huh? [Let's
but it to a vote. Hands up for "cool". 0. Hands up for "not cool". 143.
Hands up for "pretty fuckin' stupid". I think we have a winner…] Baby,
make sure that your hands and heart remain clean and pure so you may stand
before God with them lifted before him, unashamed. Of course, the only
way you can lift them guilt-free is if they are covered by the blood of
Jesus. [Iiiiaaaeee!!!] Remember, your strength for purity will come
Pedicure - "If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet,
you also ought to wash one another's feet." John 13:14 [Blood and feet?
What the fuck is wrong with these people? What kinda sicko religion is
this? HELP! POLICE!]
Sweetie, look for ways to serve others. Many people will look up to you
because of your strong personality and confidence. You will reflect Jesus
when you choose to reach down and out to do things for other people.
Sometimes this takes more work than seemingly harder jobs. It is so easy
to think that when we "do things for the Lord" we are really serving Him.
Apparently, His opinion is that we are serving Him best when we are
Necklace - "My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not
forsake the law of your mother; for they will be a graceful ornament on
your head, and chains about your neck." Proverbs 1:8,9
I am aware that there are many ways teenagers can sneak around, disobey
their parents and get away with it. [Sadly, for the benefit of my
younger reads, Blair neglects to mention exactly what those ways are]
I will not try to control you; it would be impossible. Instead, I am
going to trust you. As you wear this necklace think of the "laws" your
father and I have taught you and remember they are meant to preserve your
beauty and protect you from the ravishing effects of following the world.
Christian Music CDs - "For it seemed good to the Holy Spirit, and
to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things: that
you abstain from things offered to idols…" Acts 15:28, 29
You're probably thinking, 'What [the fuck] are you talking about,
Mom?' Well, just this morning, as I was reading in my Beth Moore Bible
study, this was one of the verses and I thought of it while writing this
letter. It also reminds me of that story I've told you about the delicious
Brownies with just a tiny bit of "poop" mixed in.
[STOP THE PRESSES! "It also reminds me of that story I've told you
about the delicious Brownies with just a tiny bit of 'poop' mixed in."
Great brownies, mom. What's your secret?]
Most of today's music is, if not blatantly idolatrous, then certainly the
lifestyles of the band members are. Don't compromise. Stay as far away
from the world as possible, don't see how close you can get and not be
affected. Feed your spirit "kosher" food, not the junk the world offers.
[I'm no expert on Jewish dietary laws, but if you're feeding your kids
poop-filled brownies, keeping kosher should be at the bottom of your pile
of concerns. Tip to anyone who plans on attending Haven's birthday party
- STAY AWAY FROM THE DESSERT CART]
Skirt & Shirt - "And I want women to be modest in their appearance.
They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to
themselves…For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves
attractive by the good things they do." 1 Timothy 2:9,10 [Hear that,
ladies? You need to yourselves attractive by the good things you do.
Like blowjobs, I guess.]
This one is going to be tough. You could wear a potato sack and still draw
attention to yourself. Dressing modestly can't be about skirt lengths and
shoulder strap widths. You simply need to ask yourself, "Could what I'm
wearing cause a young man's eyes to linger on my body and make him
stumble?" [Who else's brain just melted?] Aim to please God and
attract His attention by the good things you do. Then you will truly be
Jesus - Fact or Fiction DVD - "Then He asked them, 'Who do you say
I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Messiah, the Son of the living
God.' Jesus replied, 'You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father
in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human
being.'" Matthew 16:15-17
I remember when you were about five years old and you asked me, "Mommy, how
do we know that our God is the only God when all the other religions think
their God is the only one?" Wow! You have always been quite the thinker.
[Translation: You doubting, blasphemous little whore of Babylon]
Yes, believing Jesus is the only way to the Father takes faith, but God
isn't afraid of a little investigation either. Keep asking questions,
baby! Jesus will always prove to be the Answer.
"Leader" Plaque - "The greatest among you should be like the
youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves." Luke 22:26
Haven, it is obvious that God has created you to be a leader. Listen to
Jesus, "He who is greatest among you shall be your servant." This
principle doesn't make sense [Heard that] and it will probably go
against every instinct you have but that is where faith comes in. Serve
others, humble yourself and let God exalt you.
"Excellence" Plaque - "Do you see a man skilled in his work? He
will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men." Proverbs
Because of your natural talents you can put forth less effort and still
achieve amazing results. Don't settle! Require more of yourself than even
others would expect. Don't tolerate mediocrity. You can be the best at
everything you set your mind to - so work longer, push harder, try more,
and become ALL that God created you to be. [These pills will help]
He didn't give you so much potential so that you could take it easy and
still reap the rewards. To much is given, much is required.
Mother/Daughter Frame - "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has
granted me my petition which I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27
I have wanted a daughter for as long as I can remember because I wanted to
have the same kind of relationship I have with my mother. [As seen in
the movie "Sybil"] And as Grandmother has said to me, "You are so
blessed; God gave you a daughter and a spare." [A "spare"??? Haven, stay
far, far away from grandma…] Haven, we are so much alike. So far that
is a good thing. I appreciate your strengths and understand your
weaknesses. I'm so glad we are best friends. I don't take that for
I love you, my beautiful teenage daughter.
Upcoming Speaking Dates [If you go, ask about the brownies]
October 8 - 9 - Lansing, Michigan (Hearts at Home)
October 15-16 - Houston, Texas (MomTime Get-A-Way)
October 18 - Minot, ND
October 22 - Bristol, CT
October 26 - Bradenton, FL
October 30 - Canton, Michigan
November 6 - Norwalk, CT
November 20 - Whittier, CA
December 4 - Palm Springs, CA
January 27 - 30 - Women's Retreat Cruise (Have you signed up yet?)
For further details go to www.LisaWhelchel.com and click on "Calendar"
"Hot Sauce" update
The show "20/20" postponed the filming twice and now it is postponed again
until after the first of the year. I feel great about this. God is
waiting for His perfect timing, or better yet, He's snuffing this fire out!
[I'd rather see Child Protective Services deal with this]
I have received so many fabulous responses to my homeschool E-letter but
I need some more to make the revision of So, You're Thinking About
Homeschooling really worth updating. I've already written the new chapter
and I'm putting together the additional appendix tentatively titled,
"Favorites from the Field." I am convinced that moms would rather hear
recommendations and reviews from other homeschooling moms rather than
"experts" (present company included.) [Damn those "experts" with their
"degrees" and "facts"]
If you could pass on my request to other homeschool moms, websites,
bulleting boards, chat groups, etc I would really appreciate it. I simply
need homeschoolers to think of their favorite curriculum, product or
resource that they would like to recommend to a "newbie" homeschooler and
briefly answer the following questions.
One of my favorite homeschool resources has been…[How to homeschool
your children while they're locked in a closet]
I like it because…[It don't lead to book learin' or race mixin']
To find out more about it go to www…[rodneyanonymous.com]
They can send their responses to Lisa@LisaWhelchel.com
I have some more exciting news I want to share with you but I'm afraid
this E-letter has gotten long enough. [Finally, we agree on
something] I'll write again soon.