09/30/2004: "Vox Mongoli"
Greetings, gentle readers.
Mr. Anonymous is busy with "an important writing assignment "(his first
since MAD magazine finally agreed to run his "The Lighter Side of
Orphanage Fires" piece), so I'm filling in for him today.
Since my responsibilities include answering the voluminous email which
floods the RATYHTL inbox and penning the Thoughtless for today, I
thought that I'd kill two birds with one rather large brick for the
as-yet-to-be-repaired southernmost wall of my garden by combing both tasks.
Rising to the challenge like a swarthy foreigner to a knife sale, I
quickly skimmed the e-mail and found the following message under the
charming subject line of "from one stupid shit to another":
it's a shame it took me 6 months to get to your idiot comment but i
actually have a life! a life which is dedicated to helping people in
philadelphia- people who you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole! i make
a laughable salary for little or no gratitude but at least i know i'm
doing something for our city. so you go ahead and keep changing the world
by going to the library to see "famous authors" and
i feel bad for you that you can lose total control because some stupid shit
wrote an opinion about a tv show to the paper (50% of which, you ass, is
eliminated or changed from what i actually wrote). no wait, i think i have
even more pity for you because you're exactly like the people you profess
to hate. now who's the stupid shit?
what's your deal anyway? no friends growing up? get beat up a lot? mommy
hate you? gay? all alone? well, anyway, from one stupid shit to another-
at least you make me laugh. j_ d_ re: 3/22/04
After much investigation, with the aid of a copyboy (who I was beating
with my cane as a reminder not to rest on his laurels), I eventually
discovered the source of J_'s anger and set about, as is our policy here
at RATYHTL, making amends:
Thank you for you passionate and awkwardly worded email which you
apparently spent six months composing. Unfortunately, Mr. Anonymous is not
in the office today. If he were here, I'd like to think that he would
offer his most sincere apologies for any distress that he may've caused
you and wish you the best of look with your GED.
Of course, that's what I'd like to think. In reality thhe odds are more
likely that Mr. Anonymous would respond to your email with "If you insist
on holding jejune opinions, then don't become angry when people point out
that your opinions are, in fact, jejune." Then he would no doubt disperse
your email throughout the literary community under the heading of "And you
thought Mencken had it rough?"
Since I'm running things here at RATYHTL today, I hope you won't mind if I
"step up to the plate" (To use the vernacular of people who aren't fit to
carry my bags up to my suite at the Plaza) and address your concerns.
First, I am pleased as Punch to learn that you have a life - particularly
one which is dedicated to helping people in Philadelphia. Since you failed
to explain exactly what it is that you do (for a laughable salary for little
or no gratitude) and how your profession benefits those around you, I must
resort to conjecture and assume that make balloon animals for
Neurosurgeons. Good for you!
Next, thank you for suggesting that Mr. Anonymous continue to go to the library
to see "famous authors" and "traveling exhibits" - I assure you that he will.
In fact, just the other day - over cognac - Mr. Anonymous was going on, at
great length, about how much he enjoys the library. Mostly because it is,
in his words, "relatively free of dolts, clods, and utter fucktards."
I too feel bad for Mr. Anonymous regarding his tendency to lose control
over what may seem the most trivial of matters. Last Sunday, for example,
I accepted an invitation to Mr. Anonymous' home to watch The McLaughlin Group.
Well, to my horror, less than ten minutes into the program, Mr. Anonymous
began shouting (at the very tip-top of his lungs, no less) that Tony
Blankley was, again in his words, a "fat cocksucker". He then passed along
an anecdote, which I am loathe to repeat, about Mr. Blankley devouring a
As to the question of who is now the stupid shit, well, I'm afraid the jury
is still out on that one; however, if it's not impertinent of me, I'd like
to offer you some advice:
Today is an important day, perhaps the most important day, in your life -
because it is the day that you get to make a choice. You can either
remember today as the day on which you were "dressed-down", in print, by
the theater critic for the Burley Protestant Observer, or you can
remember today as the day on which your life changed for the better.
Whoever led you to believe that it is your lot in life to defend puerile
entertain which has an adverse effect on both the culture and economic
life of your city did you a great injustice. You were born for far greater
things than that.
Step away from the pre-fabricated saga of seven strangers picked by a large
corporation to live house that magically sucks the soul from its
surrounding community, and seek out those "famous authors" and "traveling
exhibits", because you did manage to hit one nail on the head -
Mr. Anonymous is, indeed, quite lonely. He needs all the company he can
Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton