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09/13/2004: "Monday with Nathan"
Hello, gentle reader. I'll be filling in, today, for Mr. Anonymous, who
after spending 10 hours editing a radio piece and another 14 straight hours
churning out a piece about religion for a magazine, has lapsed into a sort
of coma.
For the benefit of our newer readers, my name is Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton.
For the last sixty-three years I have resided in Burley, Connecticut where
I am the theater critic for the Burley Protestant Observer.
Unfortunately, with the recent closing of the town's last theater, the
Orphium, there have been practically no professional theatrical productions
for me to critique. Subsequently, I have been forced, by necessity, to
review the plays performed by our local Elementary and High School
students:
Spirit of America
Performed by Mrs. Caldwiedler's Fourth Grade Class
Burley Elementary School Auditorium, Burley, Conn.
Reviewed by Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton, Esq.
Oh, for a muse of fire. Preferably one with a history of pyromania who
might set the Burley Elementary School Auditorium ablaze and thereby
release me from the living death that is having witness our local junior
plebeians forget their lines, trip over props, or simply wet their pants
before exiting the stage, screaming.
Spirit of America was conceived by fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Eunice
Caldwiedler, as a "Way of helping the children deal with the after-effects
of terrorist attacks of 9/11." This would be a noble endeavor, indeed, if
any of the children in Mrs. Caldwiedler's charge had a concept of what
actually happened on 9/11, but - if the random sampling I conducted
is any indication - they, sadly, do not.
Jimmy Laulk informed me that "9/11 is like Easter, but without eggs." while
Tammy Higgins felt compelled to explain that "9/11 is when Jesus picks a
new President." Both of these historical insights were eclipsed by Kenny
Hall who, when asked what special significance the date September 11th,
2001 held for him replied "Mommy says not to touch my pee-pee."
Even when onc considers the children's ponderous ignorance, one can still
hardly be prepared for the atrocity that is Spirit of America. The
play begins, I kid you not, with none other than George Washington joining
a group of Indians for "The First Thanksgiving", and ends with the children
gathering onstage to sing Lee Greenwood's nauseating God Bless The USA
with the sort of enthusiasm normally associated with Joe Jackson's Is
She Really Going Out With Him.
Between these bookends of horror, we, the audience, are treated to historic
re-enactments of the Boston Tea Party (Portrayed as an actual formal tea
party), the assassination of President Lincoln (By a swarthy child
wearing a turban who stabs Lincoln to death), and Ronald Reagan "winning
the 1980 Winter Olympics" (???).
After witnessing last spring's abysmal Focus On Nutrition (During
which, a child dressed as a pineapple regaled the audience with his screams
of "You're not my real daddy."), I thought that Burley Elementary's
productions couldn't possible get any worse, but as the curtain fell on
Spirit of America (As well as on several of its cast members) I
realized that I had been woefully mistaken.
Warmest regards,
Nathan
