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09/02/2004: "Where the Hell is Gerald Ford?"

The Republic National Convention is almost over and we have yet to hear
from Gerald Ford. What gives?

I shot an email to the good folks at the Gerald Ford Library asking them if
Gerry would be speaking and got the following reply:

Thank you for your recent inquiry. While the Gerald R. Ford Library is
not privy to President Ford's daily schedule, one staff member recalls
President Ford saying on "Larry King Live" that he would not be attending
the Republican National Convention this year. I hope you find this
information helpful. If you need any further assistance, please do not
hesitate to contact me.

Sure he's 91 years old, but he's coherent - or, at least he's as coherent
as he ever was. I'm sure he's healthy enough to stand at the podium for ten
minutes without having a heart attack. I mean, if Dick Cheney can do it,
why not Gerald Ford?

Gerald ford would be the perfect person to introduce George W. Bush. Think
about it. Like George W., Gerry was considered by most people to be a
little slow. Who else knows the pain of hearing an entire room snicker
whenever someone says "re-elect the President." And Both Gerald Ford
and George W. have been threatened with "Some time in Betty Ford."

Most of all, Gerald Ford makes the case for George W. as a uniter, not a
divider. I think that everyone, regardless of political affiliation, can
agree that, next to Dubya, Gerry ford looks pretty good.

Republicans need to step up and recognize Gerry Ford, instead of locking
him away in the attic like some crazy uncle. Wake up, GOP, Reagan's dead.
That leaves you with Bush the elder and Gerry Ford. Since most young people
don't even know that Ford was once President, he's the logical choice to
fill Reagan's shoes.


If the Party of Lincoln wants to remake Ford's image, they need to get
started now. Here are a few tips:

Bring back those WIN (Whip Inflation Now) buttons only, this time, refer to
them as "products of 'Fordonomics'." If some pinko news show airs an old
clip of Ford falling down, respond with "He was a man of the common folk. A
man of the soil. American soil. Teh best soil EVER. And he liked to drop
down upon that soil - a lot." Or just tell 'em to go fuck themselves.

When looking back on the Ford years (both of 'em), be sure to stress what
he didn't do:

Gerald Ford never OKed illegal wiretapping

Gerald Ford never had to kill a rabbit with an oar

Gerald Ford never traded arms for hostages

Gerald Ford never aid "Read my lips, no new taxes"

Gerald Ford never got a blowjob from a chunky intern

Gerald Ford never got a blowjob - period

Gerald Ford never managed to run up the greatest national debt in our
history


Follow these simple steps and Gerald Ford won't be remembered as "That guy
who pardoned Nixon", but as "Our last President from the rustbelt ...ever."

When Gerald Ford finally does cast off his mortal coil, there had gawddamn
better be a whole week's worth of live coverage, like there was for Reagan.
And I wanna see some fat Mid Westerners burst into tears too. In fact,
anybody caught not crying at Ford's funeral should be shipped off to Gitmo
without the benefit of a trial.

Unlike Reagan, there seem to be no Gerald Ford fan sites. On the plus side,
that means that there's no racy Gerald Ford fiction floating around the
web.

If you wanna drop Gerry Ford a line and tell him how much he's missed, you
can write to him here:

Office of Gerald R. Ford
P.O. Box 927
Rancho Mirage, CA 92270


Gerry, had it been our party, you would've been invited.