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08/26/2004: "Say it ain't so, Jo. Say it ain't so."
A few years back, I was riding the bus when I happened to overhear the
following sentences from a conversation between two women who were seated
behind me:
"I dunno. I don't think you supposed to get you baby high."
Even though I managed to turn that one line into an entire song that
appears on some Milkmen CD or another (Hey, when life hands you lemons,
make lemonade. Then lace that lemonade with LSD and sell it to life. Don't
forget to take pictures of life tripping, so that you can blackmail life
later), I was crestfallen that people could actually have a debate over
something like that.
Fast forward a few years. I'm surfing the web and I come across an article
entitled Stinging Debate:
Parents Divided Over Practice of 'Hot Saucing' as a Form of Discipline. The
gist of the piece is that some parents, apparently on leave from their posts at Abu
Ghurayb prison, are under the delusion that a good form of child discipline is to
apply hot sauce to a kid's tongue. And no, the people who do this are not all the
members of some small sect living on a ranch in Montana and awaiting the apocalypse.
Although, I'm pretty sure that more than a few are. Once again, I find myself amazed
that there is a "pro" side in this debate.
As if to add insanity to injury, enter that "pro" side's spokesperson - none other
than "Blair" from TV's The Fact's of Life"
(Oh, great. Now that theme song is gonna be stuck in my head all day), Lisa Whelchel.
"It does sting and the memory stays with them so that the next time they may
actually have some self-control and stop before they lie or bite or something like
that," Whelchel said on ABC News' Good Morning America. Of course, on one actually
heard what she said because they were all busy pointing at the TV and shouting,
"Holy shit, Blair from The Facts of Life."
The "con" side has been summed up nicely by family therapist Carleton Kendrick who
said," There's no room for pain and humiliation and fear in disciplining healthy
children. I think it's a rather barbaric practice to say the least."
(Translation:" Hot sauce on your kid's tongue? What are you, fuckin' retarded?")
So there's really no need to explore this topic anymore.
What we, as a society, need to be concerned about is the fact of life that
Blair has gone insane!
Sure, some dark hints as to Blair's present state of mind were given in the
article, which described Blair as the author of Creative Correction:
Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline and an "actress-turned-home-
schooling mom". Also, I was a little freaked out when Blair put forth the
following hypothesis:
"It's a logical consequence. If you cause somebody pain, either by the words
you say by lying and not being a trustworthy person or by biting, this is a
logical consequence. It's your mouth that's the offender."
I really hope, for Blair's kids' sake, that she never realizes that it's the
brain that's responsible for behavior. I just hope that the little tikes
have enough common sense to cover their skulls and run like Hell if they ever
see Blair coming towards them with a power drill and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.
Still, I had no idea just how bad things had gotten in her D-list celebrity mind
until I paid a visit to Blair's official
website.. Sweet four-alarm-chili-eating Jesus in a contest at a biker bar,
this woman has completely lost it. I spent a good chunk of today looking over
Blair's site and the only words that I'm left with are "Be afraid. Be very afraid."
So that you don't have to waste an entire day tooling around Blair's site
(Time that could be better spent making purchases at the RATYHTL store),
and because Blair's site is about as navigable as the Cape of Good Hope
during Hurricane season, I'll give you a brief synopsis of the horror
that I encountered. By the way, this is the only website that I'm aware
of that enables you to invite Jesus into your heat, step-by-step, through the miracle of Macromedia's Flash.
Blair filmed the last episode of "The Facts of Life" in March of 1988 and
was married on July of that same year. Ten months later she was pregnant
with her first child and proceeded to have three children, three years in
a row. Although Blair doesn't mention any problems with substance abuse
(She's been a devout Christian since the age of 10), I'm not sure what else
could explain the motivation behind her naming her kids Tucker, Haven, and
Clancy (who's a girl, by the way).
Blair met her husband, Steve, in a prayer group fifteen years ago. Blair
hints that "There is much more to the story and not enough room to tell it
. If you are really interested, I write all about it in my new book 'The
Facts of Life and Other Lessons My Father Taught Me.'" Since my local
library doesn't carry this book, and since amazon.com wants $10.49 for a
copy, the rest of the story will remain a mystery to me (unless I make a
lucky find at a yard sale). If Blair's husband ever writes a book, he should
call it Dude, I'm banging Blair from Facts of Life! How cool is that?
Speaking of books, as mentioned elsewhere in this piece of crap that I'm
desperately trying to pass off as biting social commentary, Blair is also the
author of Creative Correction which wouldn't normally be worth mentioning
a second time, except that the book's page
on her site includes a link that allows you to share a Creative Correction idea.
While I may not have any ideas for Creative Correction, I have plenty of alter-egos who do.
Dear Blair;
Like you, I have turned to the Bible for instructions on disciplining willful
children - particularly Deuteronomy 21:18 - 21:21 *. Unfortunately, the
fuzzy-headed, liberal thinking that is so prevalent in today's society
(When a parent tells me that they discipline their child by giving them a
"Time Out" I remind them that, someday, their sinful offspring will have
plenty of "time out" - in Hell!) makes it impossible to carry out the
prescribed punishment.
I call upon you and other Christian celebrities to speak out in favor not
only of "Hot Saucing", but also in favor of the punishment described in the
Holy verses mentioned above.
God Bless you, the President, and Darryl Worley,
Ezekiel Mather
Pastor of the Church of the Trembling Flesh
Dallas, TX
pastorctf@yahoo.com
And, yes, I signed up for the monthly e-letter.
* For the benefit of my heathen readers:
"If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not listen to the
voice of his father or his mother, even when they punish him his father and
mother must take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his
town. They shall say to the elders, 'This son of ours is stubborn and
rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.' All the
men of the town must then stone him to death. You must banish this evil from
among you."
Don't miss tomorrow's Paul Kircher Show when The Amazing Randi meets the Confusing Rodney.
