08/25/2004: "Michelle Malkin's Melancholy Mexican Migration Mania."
Honestly, I'm being to wonder why I bother to waste ones and zeroes, the
modern equivalent of ink, on Michelle Malkin. And, apparently, so
are many of you. Since I started my obsession with the fractious Filipino,
the number of hits per day on this website has dropped from 11,000 to 6.
Yet I struggle onward.
this week is entitled Bipartisan betrayal at the border (or
Insiped Alliteration Incites Imbeciles depending on just how much
acid you dropped before reading it.) and begins with M&M asking " Can we
talk about a war other than Vietnam for a minute?"
She then spends almost an entire paragraph doing so:
Political debate is now focused on whether Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry and his mates were under fire at Cam Ranh Bay and how
close he was to the Cambodian border (not very) three decades ago. But
there are American foot soldiers under siege right now on our own
Damn, Michelle's only been over at FOX News for a little while, but she's
already learned how to play the game. Go back and re-read the paragraph
above. Don't worry, I won't go on without you.
There, did you see what she did? The column is about the US Border
Patrol, but Michelle used the first paragraph to remind us all that
John Kerry didn't get very close to the Cambodian border (Kerry has claimed that
he spent Christmas in Cambodia [Worst Christmas album EVER!]) during
his stint in Vietnam. I was about to compliment Ms. Malkin on a move so
fiendishly brilliant that it instantly qualifies her to be a Bond villain,
when I suddenly realized what a gigantic tactical error she'd made.
I'm not a huge fan of John Kerry. In fact, I don't see much
difference between him and George W. Bush, and I've made up my mind to
vote for David Cobb in November.
That said, when I see words " how close he was to the Cambodian border"
I can't help but think "Sure, but I'll bet that he was a Hell of a lot
closer to the Cambodian border than George Bush was" and then my mind
instantly jumps to "Jesus, Bush is such a pussy." From there it's
straight to "I bet he fucks sheep."
For the benefit of Ms. Malkin's readers who may've accidentally strayed
over to this page, I've created a helpful visual aid that shows locations
of both Mr. Kerry and Mr. Bush relative to Cambodia during the period in
Since I have no idea where Mr. Cobb was at that time (He hasn't really made
it an issue, preferring to focus on "fringe issues" like wages, energy
independence, and health care), so I'm just going to assume that he was at
the Playboy Mansion - which would still put him closer to Cambodia
than Mr. Bush.
Gentle reader, you have my word that I would never stoop so low as to
employ the "Bait and Switch" tactic of writing that seems so popular with
my reactionary brethren. Let's continue.
The rest of Ms. Malkin's article concerns itself with some statements made
by George P. Bush.
George P. Bush is the son of the son of Florida Governor Jeb Bush and his
Mexican-born wife Columba (Columba????) He's the nephew of the
President and Neil and Marvin Bush.
Neil Bush, as I'm sure you'll all remember, was a director of the Silverado
Banking, Savings & Loan Association the collapse of which, in 1988, cost
taxpayers at least $1.6 billion.
But what you may not know is that on March 31, 1981, the day after John
Hinckley attempted to assassinate President Reagan, Neil had been scheduled
to have dinner with Hinkley's brother, Scott.
But enough about bankruptcy and assassination, can we talk about Asian
hookers for a minute?
The subject of Asian hookers came up during Neil Bush's divorce (along
with, and I shit you not, allegations of Voodoo) back in March of 2003,
when his wife's attorney, Marshall Davis Brown asked Bush whether he'd had
any extramarital affairs. Apparently, at least three or four times during
his business trips to Asia; Bush opened his hotel room door to discover an
accommodating young lady.
Brown: Mr. Bush, you have to admit that it's a pretty remarkable thing for
a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing
there and have sex with her.
Bush: It was very unusual.
Brown: Were they prostitutes?
Bush: I don't -- I don't know.
Brown: Did you pay them?
Marvin Bush's company, Securacom, installed the security system in the
World Trade Center and was responsible for security at Dulles International
Airport and United Airlines.
George Bush Sr., by the way, once referred to George P. and his siblings to
President Reagan and his wife Nancy as "the little brown ones."
As for Gorge P., himself, on December 31, 1994, at 4 AM he broke into the
Miami home of a former girlfriend through the woman's bedroom window. The
woman's father, who was understandably upset about this, got into an
argument with Bush, then a Rice University student, who quickly fled the
scene. Bush returned 20 minutes later in his totally bitchin' Ford
Explorer, which he proceeded to drive across the woman's front lawn. Both
the woman and her father declined to press charges.
But Michelle's not mad at George P. for exhibiting the sort of behavior
normally only seen in movies on the Lifetime Network, no she's pissed
because, while campaigning for his uncle in Mexico (I didn't even know it
was state), the browner Bush made a speech condemning the federal policy of
arming U.S. Border Patrol agents with plastic pellet guns and rubber
OK, here we go...
Please, for the love of God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Dionysus, and L. Ron
Hubbard, let this be the last time I feel the need to make the following
The best way to prevent millions of Mexicans from sneaking across our
southern border and dancing the cha-cha on our well manicured American
lawns (teh best lawns EVER!) is not by arming our border guards with
AK-47s, but by giving the Mexicans some good reasons to stay home. Like a
stable government and a sound economy. A policy that the US really should
NAFTA, for example, put an estimated 1,000,000 Mexican Farmers (or, as they
prefer to be called "Burrito Buddies") out of work. Now, if you were one of
these guys with a family to feed, and you know that there was work on the
other side of the Rio Grande (even if it was shitty work for little pay),
you'd cross the border into America. Hell, you'd probably cross the border
into Cambodia, if there was work there.
Girl Fight Click here to see Michelle get a beat down from Cathy Young at Reason.
ACHTUNG!!! The interview with James "The Amazing" Randi has been moved to Friday. Which means that I'll get to ask him some questions. OK, as you were.