08/20/2004: "Big-Assed Weekend Edition"
Brown Eye for that Israeli Guy
Dear Governor McGreevey;
Now that your out of the closet, you should play this "Gay thing" to the
(pardon the pun) hilt.
Americans may not be comfortable with burley, "outdoorsy" Homosexuals, but
- as witnessed by the popularity of Will and Grace, Queer Eye For
The Straight Guy, and The Catholic Church, we (excluding inbred
rednecks) are more than dandy with limp-wristed, lisping sissy-boys (As
long as, you know, they don't wanna get married or ask for the same rights
as everybody else). Work that angle for all it's worth.
When you give the State of the State address, wear the usual suit and tie,
but accessorize with a feathered boa. The speech itself should simply be
"The state of the State is [Three second pause] - fabulas".
When attacked by your critics, respond with "Oh, be nice." If Rick "I've
been researching the Gay lifestyle...a lot" Santurum gets on your case (and
he will, that tacky bitch. Jeez, now I'm doing it) about hiring your
ex-lover* (an Israeli citizen who couldn't get the proper security
clearances) as your head of Homeland Security, just look him square in the
eye and hiss through your teeth "Jealous?" SNAP!
* Golan Cipel has insists that he is straight and never had a sexual
relationship with McGreevey (whom Cipel claims repeatedly made advances
However, on Wednesday, a 47 or 51-year-old (depending on whom you ask)
doctor named Michael Miller tossed his ever-so-divine-that-I have-to
find-out-where-he-bought-it hat into the ring, claiming to be Cipel's
ex-lover and also claiming that Cipel is, indeed, gay and has had sex with
other men in the past.
Oddly, Miller's credibility rating nose-dived when reporters waiting
outside his house were treated to an appearance by a disheveled Miller,
wearing only socks and underwear. "At times cursing and erratic, he
alternatively told scribes he would talk to them [only] in Hungarian,
Spanish or Hebrew," wrote the Post.
Miller then claimed Cipel was only in it for the bling-bling. "Out on a
date, he would ask me how much money I have, how many properties I own. We
were out for a pleasant evening and to have sex. It took away from the
moment. Don't you think it's a weird question to ask? Conversations with
him always ended up with money," explained Miller (who was not wearing a
tinfoil hat at the time).
The Daily News described Miller as "manic, disjointed." The
newspaper also reported that Miller "also claimed to reporters that he is a
CIA operative who takes pills doled out by the intelligence agency to make
his skin darker so he can infiltrate unnamed groups" and "insisted on
speaking Spanish because, he said, he hates the United States."
Oh Hell, here's one more tidbit about the doctor just for good measure - he
told reporters that he spent "$100,000 on therapy" the year before he got
divorced, and that he was worth "several million dollars."
Paul, if you're reading this, we
have got to interview this guy!
Cipel responded that Miller's account was "ridiculous and laughable." But
forgot to add, "Go, Eagles!"
Everybody Kill The Dinosaur
If you caught Ancient Monster Hunters on the Discovery Channel this week, were
intrigued by Adrienne Mayor's theories, and would like to hear
her interviewed by a middle-aged punk then circle today on your
calendar, because Christmas has just come early.
I interviewed Ms. Mayor for Paul's show a few months back. Due to faulty
equipment (damn you, Radio Shack! First that pacemaker I bought from you
guys for my grandfather crapped out, now my call taping equipment) the
sound quality was too poor even for AM Radio. Pity, it's the best interview
that I've done so far.
What you won't get to hear is me chatting with Ms. Mayor about Native
American (or, as they prefer to be called, Bloodthirsty Injunz) mounds.
While excavating (tearing down to make room for barns and chicken coops)
these mounds in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, many white
settlers (land-stealing Honkies) discovered (stole) the skeletons of "Red Haired Giants."
Ms. Mayor and I came to the conclusion that these skeletons were either
those of giant tree sloths (my theory) or mastodons (Ms. Mayor's). Any
RATYHTL reader who knows the whereabouts of any of these skeletal remains
(many were shipped off to local museums) is encouraged to contact either
Ms. Mayor or me.
Can You Hear Me Now?
Michelle Malkin has a long-assed
blog (even by RATYHTL's long-assed standards) about appearing on
Hardball with Chris Matthews. Apparently, someone forgot to inform
M&M that. Philly boy, Matthews is, in fact, an escapee from a mental
institution, and, therefor, cannot be held to the journalistic standards of
Here's a small sample of what happens when someone from FOX News gets a
taste of their network's own medicine. The rest may be found in The
Oxford Book of Twenty-First Century Irony:
1) Matthews introduces me, says we'll get to the subject of my book "in
a minute," and launches into a spiel about how Bush should order the Swift
Boat Vets to stop running their ads. Matthews intentionally
mischaracterizes me as "speaking on behalf of the Bush campaign," when he
knew full well I was there (with special permission from FOX News) to talk
about my book, which he had sitting right next to him on the table and
which he had chatted with me briefly about before the start of the segment.
I correct him. He does not acknowledge his error.
Face it, Michelle, there are nine-year-olds living in the jungles of Ecuador who
know that "under contract to FOX News" is synonymous with "speaking on
behalf of the Bush campaign." Deal with it.
The hilarious transcript can be found here. The saucers are up there. The graveyard
is out there. But I'll
be locked up safely in there.
And from our "It was funnier when I did it" files comes this.
Shameless Plug...doink doink... Shameless Plug
My good friend, and former Milkmen roadie, Jeff
Fox edits a fine magazine called Barracuda. A fact that I've
been aware of for some years now, but only recently have I gotten around to
actually reading the magazine. Which just goes to show what a lousy
friend I am.
My loss, folks, because I was missing out on some great writing. Standouts
have included pieces on the '73-'74 Philadelphia Flyers, The Lincoln
Highway, Ben Franklin, Evel Kneivel, and the "Otto Patrz" manuals found in
your local library. The mag's also peppered with plenty of pics of scantily
clad young ladies, just so people don't confuse it with Field and
So, when you're in the "B" section of your local magazine store, picking up
a copy of The Baffler, be
sure to snag (and pay for) a copy of Barracuda as well.
Separated At Birth?
|Burning Man and...||...the sombrero tower at PedroLand?|
I'll be working late this weekend editing together the Return To Fort Mifflin piece. So, should you see me strolling around town, tell me to get back to work.
And now, back by popular demand...
Edgar Allan Poe Brings You This Weekend's Weather
Temperatures in the upper 90's may make you want to flee, FLEE I TELL YOU,
flee to the dampness of the catacombs!!!