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The FOX News Defense

Earnest_T_Attorney.jpgNow, I'm no big-city lawyer like Mr. Atticus Finch over yonder. Whom, I may remind the the court, still refuses to play football for the Methodists. In fact, back in college, I once last so badly in Moot Court that my "client" had to spend a night in real jail (True story). That said, if I was  George Zimmerman's defense attorney I'd beat him over the head with my Doc Martens, the following would be my opening statement:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by conceding that my client is a wee bit of a homicidal douchebag. That said, I would like you to look upon the defendant, Mr. George Zimmerman as also being a victim.

George Zimmerman is a victim of thirty years of the "Southern Strategy". For most of his life, George Zimmerman was told - in subtle and not-so-subtle ways - by one of this country's two major parties that Blacks would take his job and ogle his women if he didn't vote for a tax break for his boss' boss.

George Zimmerman is a victim of every clown who ran for the office District Attorney, promising to be "Tough on Crime." Violent crime has been on a steady decline in this country for decades, but you can't expect idiots like my client to know that. He gets all of his "information" from FOX News and hillbilly emails, for Christ's sake. I shit you not; he actually believes that Gay Muslims are planning to outlaw Christmas and that the UN is going to ship him off to a "Reeducation Camp". No wonder he carried a gun in the shower. He was sold fear on a 24 Hour cycle. For the love of crap, he actually called Sean Hannity. I ask you, is calling Sean Hannity the act of a man with an average or above-average IQ?

And he's not alone. In nearly every neighborhood in this country there's "That crazy old man with the 'Rebel flag' and the shotgun." And when they're not busy posting their inane comments in the Charlie Daniels Soapbox, they're being egged on with mindless slogans like "Don't retreat; reload" and "Take your country back." It's a goddamn miracle we don't have ten Trayvon Martin shootings a day.


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