Pray Away the Short
Hello. My name is Rev. (thanks to a $20 "love offering" to the Church of Universality) Rodney P. Anonymous and I am an ex-short person. I'm here today...
"Wait a durn minute!" you're probably saying at this point. "How can you be an ex-short person? Doesn't your driver's license say you're only five-foot-five? Weren't you born short?"
First of all, no one is born short. Shortness is a lifestyle choice that short people make because they weren't exposed to enough positive tall role models during their childhood. Short people are barbarians who need discipline and...
"Aw for the Love of Crap!" you're more-than-likely screaming at your computer monitor right about now, "A freakin' lifestyle choice? Who, considering how our society treats short people, would actually want to be short? I mean, for one thing, don't short children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) tend to get picked on a lot?"
To that I can only answer: Hey, I'm just trying to make a buck here. OK? Don't ruin this for me by asking a bunch of sensible questions. Once I found out that Marcus Bachmann (shown below walking in the most manly manner possible and not looking at all as if he were auditioning for Ru Paul's "Drag Race") was running a "Pray Away the Gay" clinic that has raked in $137,000 in tax-payer buckaroos, I realized that if it was possible to pray away homosexuality, then it was equally as possible to pray away shortness. Just think; Truman Capote could've been cured from two afflictions at once if only Pray Away the Short (or P.A.T.S. for short, or ex-short as the case may be) had existed years ago!
Allllrighty, I can almost hear some of you asking, "But wouldn't it be better just to teach short people to accept who they are and to be happy? And wouldn't it be better if society just learn to treat short people with tolerance and equality. Shouldn't the parents of short children just be happy that their children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) are healthy and not give a rat's hindquarters whether or not they marry another short person? Wouldn't that be better?"
Better? Certainly. More profitable for yours truly? Certainly not!
Now, those of you with little faith might also ask, "Isn't this a scam?" Well, if my clinic is a scam, then Bachmann's clinic is a scam. And if Bachmann's clinic is a scam, then why is his wife running for President? Huh? Got ya' there!
In conclusion, please continue to pray (and send money - don't forget the money!) for both my ministry as well as myself to grow bigger every day. With God's help - and $137,000 in Medicaid reimbursements - I could be playing center for the 76ers by this time next year.
Oh-man.
"Wait a durn minute!" you're probably saying at this point. "How can you be an ex-short person? Doesn't your driver's license say you're only five-foot-five? Weren't you born short?"
First of all, no one is born short. Shortness is a lifestyle choice that short people make because they weren't exposed to enough positive tall role models during their childhood. Short people are barbarians who need discipline and...
"Aw for the Love of Crap!" you're more-than-likely screaming at your computer monitor right about now, "A freakin' lifestyle choice? Who, considering how our society treats short people, would actually want to be short? I mean, for one thing, don't short children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) tend to get picked on a lot?"
To that I can only answer: Hey, I'm just trying to make a buck here. OK? Don't ruin this for me by asking a bunch of sensible questions. Once I found out that Marcus Bachmann (shown below walking in the most manly manner possible and not looking at all as if he were auditioning for Ru Paul's "Drag Race") was running a "Pray Away the Gay" clinic that has raked in $137,000 in tax-payer buckaroos, I realized that if it was possible to pray away homosexuality, then it was equally as possible to pray away shortness. Just think; Truman Capote could've been cured from two afflictions at once if only Pray Away the Short (or P.A.T.S. for short, or ex-short as the case may be) had existed years ago!
Allllrighty, I can almost hear some of you asking, "But wouldn't it be better just to teach short people to accept who they are and to be happy? And wouldn't it be better if society just learn to treat short people with tolerance and equality. Shouldn't the parents of short children just be happy that their children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) are healthy and not give a rat's hindquarters whether or not they marry another short person? Wouldn't that be better?"
Better? Certainly. More profitable for yours truly? Certainly not!
Now, those of you with little faith might also ask, "Isn't this a scam?" Well, if my clinic is a scam, then Bachmann's clinic is a scam. And if Bachmann's clinic is a scam, then why is his wife running for President? Huh? Got ya' there!
In conclusion, please continue to pray (and send money - don't forget the money!) for both my ministry as well as myself to grow bigger every day. With God's help - and $137,000 in Medicaid reimbursements - I could be playing center for the 76ers by this time next year.Oh-man.
