Why Things Suck and How to Fix Them Part 384: Monsters
Hello, and welcome to another installment the in the "Why Things Suck and How to Fix Them" series. This time we'll be looking at monsters – their history; how we, as a people, totally dropped the ball on our collective mythology; and what we can do to make monsters relevant once more.
Postmodern society has given us many wonderful things: The internet, Stem Cell treatments, and the inspirational movie Showgirls(it's inspired me to stay up until 3 am on at least four occasions), are all examples that immediately spring to mind. But one area in which the postmodern world has pulled a collective Ted Haggard is our declining ability to tell a decent monster story. Please allow me to begin to make my case, and then to veer wildly off track.
Antiquity overflowed with monster in much the same way that your local Whole Foods overflows with old hippies who are willing to pay $18 for a jar of organic peanut butter. There was the Minotaur (who roamed a vast labyrinth into which young people would disappear; never to be seen again - not unlike Neverland Ranch); the Cyclops; the Gorgon; Tiamat; Goliath, etc. [For the definitive explanation of why the ancient world overflowed with tales of monsters, be sure to read The First Fossil Hunters by Adrienne Mayor] But I'd just like to focus on what can arguably be called the first monster story: The Epic of Gilgamesh
There's a section in The Epic of Gilgamesh in which the hero encounters an immensely strong subhuman "wild man" named Enkidu. So, how does Gilgamesh deal with Enkidu? Does he dispatch him with his trusty sling and handy rock? No. Does he don his magical armor and impale Enkidu on his magically Freudian sword? Nope. What Gilgamesh does is to pacify Enkidu by hooking him up with one of the sacred prostitutes from the local temple. Genius. Every monster movie ever made would be greatly improved by this plot device.
Colonel Rogers: Mr. President, I'm afraid that bullets have no effect on the monster. We've tried attacking with jets, but it just swats them out of the sky.
President Rogers: It's already crushed millions of people to death, and it's headed toward a large concentration of orphanages. What can we do? We've tried everything.
Dr. Rogers: Ummm...not quite everything...
So, it's obvious that the first step towards making monsters relevant again will be digitally adding hookers to old horror movies. If you thought Jamie Lee Curtis" character in Halloween was clever for poking Michael Myers in the eye with a coat hanger, you are really gonna love the new version wherein she introduces the masked maniac to "Miss Cheri".
Books would also greatly benefit from having a few ladies of the evening dropped into their pages. Do you think high school students would be reluctant to read Beowulf if they knew three chapters were devoted to the protagonist showing Grendel a seriously good time in Vegas?
Conversely, if you popped Jason from the Friday the 13th films into the middle of Pretty Woman you'd have a chick flick that women could still cry over and that men might actually enjoy.
The second step towards making monsters relevant again is to instill an appreciation of the aforementioned monsters from antiquity in young children by convincing them to dress up as Cyclopes and Gorgons for Halloween. Look, I don't have any progeny, but even I know that it might be more than a little difficult to convince a nine-year-old who wants to spend October 31st in the guise of a Transformer to opt for a Centaur costume instead. And I seriously doubt that many little girls who had their hearts firmly set on dressing like princesses will be easily swayed to parade around the neighborhood as Echidna: "The Mother of Monsters". This is going to require some serious incentive. That's why, this Halloween, I'm putting a sign in my window that reads "We Only Give Candy to Kids Who Appreciate the Classics". If little Billy really wants that Snickers Bar, he had better start working on a pretty damn convincing Panotioi costume right now!