Thomas Dewey, Thou Art Avenged
Twenty-four hours from now I'll be sitting in the Plough and the Stars, getting drunk and screaming "Fuck Libby Dole" at the top of my lungs. Oh yeah, and I'll also be hanging out with other people who voted for Barack Obama.
That's right; you're not about to read a piece about how I'm voting for Ralph Nader and how you should be voting for Him as well (Honestly, I don't care if you vote for Obama, Nader, or Bob Barr; just as long as you're not voting for McCain or McKinney). In fact, you're not about to read a piece about why I'm voting for Obama. What you are about to read is a love to the Republican Party – the old Republican Party.
You see, there was a time in this great country of ours when if a man had an education, wore a suit and tie to work and knew which wine to chose for dinner, he was a Republican. If a woman had a career (and not just a job), spoke her mind, and valued the freedom to do as she damn well pleased, she was a Republican. Republicans were people who, even if you disagreed with them, you respected them: like William F. Buckley, Lincoln Chaffee, Millicent Fenwick, Andrew Sulivan, George Will and Chase Talbott III. Republicans once spoke in entire, coherent sentences and even used multisyllabic words...correctly. I know many republicans who still fall into this category. They're good people who believe (to quote Thomas Jefferson) that a government powerful enough to give you everything you want is also powerful enough to take away everything you have. They're people who were sickened when that had to look at Mike Huckabee's name on the primary ballot.
So, what happened? How did the average Republican go from being an egghead to a pinhead in less than thirty years? I blame Jimmy Carter.
Jimmy Carter was our first ‘Born Again" president. He was also our first president who was really comfortable talking about his faith. Really comfortable. In fact, carter was so comfortable about talking about his faith that other Born Agains – people not nearly as bright as Carter – began talking about their faith and what they decided was that a Born Again from a small town in Georgia (and a former member of the Trilateral Commission) wasn't as much of a Christian as a divorced actor from Hollywood. And thus did the Republican Party, once a bastion of wit, intellect, and damn good martinis, open its doors to the Great Unwashed, begin its steady, rapid intellectual decline (after all, covering in a bunker, waiting for the Rapture, doesn't leave a person much time for pursuits of the mind) and seal its doom in the election of 2008.
Sjhit Luther, I knew it was all over for the Republicans when, during their primary debates, three of 'em proudly admitted to not believing evolution. That's stupidity on a Taliban level.
The coming "A-whoopin' of ‘08" as future historians will no doubt refer to it, might just be the best thing ever to happen to the Republican Party, which hopefully will use this opportunity to take stock of itself, purge its rolls of intellectually-challenged deadweight, and returns to its roots as the thinking-man's party. Yeah, and Joe the Plumber might earn $250,000 someday.